Friday

Topic: What Breaks a Person

What Breaks A Person?? I'm really not sure about other people. Maybe a lost love, or the death of a favorite pet... death of a family member? Neglect / abuse / a lost of trust.

Any number of these things could break a person. Anything and everything could break a person. Even the closing of your favorite deli or restaurant. Your coffee shop running out of cream, or finding out that you no longer have Acai Berry tea or popcorn to console you.

What breaks me? 

I guess I kind of summed it up there. C is ignoring me, and has been all day. I tripled my dosage of anti-depressants and it did nothing to help the feelings coursing through me. I started cutting again. I kind of want to right now but the only knife I have near me is a virgin blade (it's never drawn blood) and because I use it for wiccan rituals, I hope to keep it that way.

Scott is here, so that's probably why, but it doesn't matter, because I've been meaning to ignore her over the next little while anyway. It's not like there's any real tension between us, but I want us to just be friends. I want a real relationship where the person I'm dating is about to go fuck her best friend. Is that so much to ask? Heh, whatever, she ignores me around Ca anyway. 

I'm done being depressed about this shit. It's just not worth it to pine over something that will never happen. This is what breaks me; how easy it is too break me, to hurt me, to make me cry and make me feel like I'm worthless. I do, ya know... 

Everyone... everyone can make me feel this way without even trying. One thing, one sentence, one word can set me off and it's not safe. These feeling aren't safe. I need a stress leave from work before I kill myself. I'm not far off right now. It's scary... It's so scary how depressed I am right now.

Life hurts, getting up in the morning hurts, looking at my friends and pretending I'm fine hurts... It all hurt. Everything hurts. I just want to curl up in a little ball and bleed out and just wait. Just wait out the pain and try to forget. 

In the end, I am ultimately my own downfall. I break me. My thoughts and feelings are slowly destroying me. how do I stop this? Is there a way to stop any of it??

Wednesday

Topic: S. eX// LAIN

"Humans are alone, they're connected to no one, no one at all"
                     - Serial Experiments Lain // Layer 04: Religion

Todays Topic? I guess you could say religion... or human behavior. I don't see much in the way of a difference really. Religion is what I believe has corrupted us as human beings. I believe that is what makes us who we are, and I do not believe it is a good thing. 

Religion, is used for selfish purposes I think... I do not believe it is right to put the blame of your so called sins or your temptations on a deity so as to dismiss yourself from any sort of blame. It seems to be something a lot of people do --- "God did not help me overcome 'this', It is Satan's fault for tempting me, It was Gods will..." You know what? NO - no it wasn't.

It is not Gods will to cast out family members, or shun others because they do not fit into your version of what the bible means. Satan does not tempt you, you are just to weak to admit to yourself that it is a want of your mind and your body - you tempt yourself, and you are the only one who can 'save' yourself from these temptations. 

I do not want to insult anyone's beliefs in what I'm writing here. I do not want you to think that I hate you for something that I believe is wrong and often times selfish. I do realize that not everyone lets their religion corrupt their thought, feelings, beliefs, lives...

Unfortunately, there are so many who do. So many who twist the bibles sayings and their Gods words into whatever they think it should mean at whatever moment to serve themselves. I do not think it is right to let a religion control your thoughts. It is important to let yourself think for yourselves.... Does that make sense? Do you understand what I am trying to say?

I need to post this blog unfinished for the simple fact that I will probably insult way to many people. 

I hate religion.

I do not think it is good for us.

Learn to think for yourself.

Learn to believe in yourself.

Learn that your faults are your own, and that what you don't like about yourself, is something only you alone can change. 

It is YOUR will power that will get you through your life.

Your thoughts, feelings and beliefs should be your own, not something that is told to you through a book.

Remember that you are no better than those you look down on.

Learn to realize that one day - GOD will not be there for you and you will have to protect and save yourself.

...

              --- I am not a Satanist, but I believe they are the ones who have the right idea. And if I had to choose a religion; that one would be it.