Friday

Topic: What Breaks a Person

What Breaks A Person?? I'm really not sure about other people. Maybe a lost love, or the death of a favorite pet... death of a family member? Neglect / abuse / a lost of trust.

Any number of these things could break a person. Anything and everything could break a person. Even the closing of your favorite deli or restaurant. Your coffee shop running out of cream, or finding out that you no longer have Acai Berry tea or popcorn to console you.

What breaks me? 

I guess I kind of summed it up there. C is ignoring me, and has been all day. I tripled my dosage of anti-depressants and it did nothing to help the feelings coursing through me. I started cutting again. I kind of want to right now but the only knife I have near me is a virgin blade (it's never drawn blood) and because I use it for wiccan rituals, I hope to keep it that way.

Scott is here, so that's probably why, but it doesn't matter, because I've been meaning to ignore her over the next little while anyway. It's not like there's any real tension between us, but I want us to just be friends. I want a real relationship where the person I'm dating is about to go fuck her best friend. Is that so much to ask? Heh, whatever, she ignores me around Ca anyway. 

I'm done being depressed about this shit. It's just not worth it to pine over something that will never happen. This is what breaks me; how easy it is too break me, to hurt me, to make me cry and make me feel like I'm worthless. I do, ya know... 

Everyone... everyone can make me feel this way without even trying. One thing, one sentence, one word can set me off and it's not safe. These feeling aren't safe. I need a stress leave from work before I kill myself. I'm not far off right now. It's scary... It's so scary how depressed I am right now.

Life hurts, getting up in the morning hurts, looking at my friends and pretending I'm fine hurts... It all hurt. Everything hurts. I just want to curl up in a little ball and bleed out and just wait. Just wait out the pain and try to forget. 

In the end, I am ultimately my own downfall. I break me. My thoughts and feelings are slowly destroying me. how do I stop this? Is there a way to stop any of it??

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