1. Get a really old, B&W horror movie - one of the ones with like... really loud screams and TONS of overacting - turn the volume down low enough so that all you really hear are the screams.
2. Get some candles, put them everywhere (that won't start a fire)
3. Find some AWESOME classical/instrumental music and turn it on so you can still hear the movie screams faintly.
4. If you don't have to pay or water in your place - Turn on a shower or sink .. some sort of water for more weird background noise
5. Make a blanket nest.
6. get buzzed or half cut or something
7. Just chill out! and listen to the music and watch the creepy movie ^_^
It feeels sooo good.
best way to de-stress.
That's fine. I can understand.
8:00 comes around, I haven't heard from him, so I give him a call... no answer.
I can't really be mad. And I'm not... I'm just frustrated.
I'm used to fairly attentive guys. Brodie, Brandon, hell even James... they were just always THERE for me. if I wanted a hug, or someone to talk to... or if It was 3:00 in the morning and I needed a cheesecake and coffee fix, anything. It was just... there...
And now it seems I've been... I dunno. Am I just, really unattractive? Do I have a really aweful personality? Not funny? Not smiling enough? Not smart enough? Not MetaL enough?? What is it?
(Seriously, if your reading this - please tell me what I'm doing wrong... cuz I dunno anymore)
It just SUCKS! I'm finally at a point in my life where I know what I want. I want a relationship. something fun but serious. A long term sorta thing... Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong... I don't know anymore.
This just, It sucks so bad. I want a relationship so bad, just, a companion, someone to be there with. someone to hug and hold and talk to, someone to laugh at really bad movies with.
Why is that so sooo hard to find?
I'm really depressed now. I don't know why guys don't like me.
What kind of vibes do I send out?
Whats wrong with me?
Why cant I be the pretty, smart, funny girl that all those people I want seem to want? I can't count how many times I guy I like has gone for my friends, or roommates after they meet them. or like I'm the thing they take because they couldn't have that person.
It feels like I'm always in second place. maybe I'm the last place bronze medal or something... hell not even that. I'm like the consolation prize because they didn't win any of the ones the wanted.
*sigh* I hate myself right now.
In a small, cramped, smoky, loud basement filled with MY PEOPLE.
It's come to my attention, slowly, over a vast number of days that I am no longer the little goth girl I used to be. I am a metal head. I like the people. The atmosphere. THE MUSIC! The people... god how I love the people.
I have never felt more comfortable in a room of people I don't know. My one connection to the entire thing was standing up playing some of the most wicked guitar riffs I've ever seen, screaming out lyrics and ... just... not caring. and DRUNK, god was he drunk.
But it was good! He was good!
That is where I belong.
I don't know how many times I've told people I simply aspire to BE... I don't want to be SOMEONE I want to be myself. I just want to live and let the music and the scene and the people engulf me. I grew up around hard music. Rough people. Dark, dank little bars and trashy parties. and I LOVE it.
Does that make me white trash?
If it does... do I care?
The energy.... when you see those guys on stage in a tiny little bar, or a basement and everyone's giving it their all because it's part of them. It's part of who they are and you can just FEEL it. Like a wave that washes over you a thousand times. You can feel the wind from the mosh-pit and everyone headbanging and hair is everywhere.
We probably all smell like sweat and booze and cigarette smoke, and we look like hell, but it's great! We don't judge each other. We all look the same. and nobody understands the fucking lyrics anyway so we all just scream and clap and cheer and have a good time and LIVE!
This is where I want to spend the rest of my life.
This is who I am.
In a dark, dingy, empty basement; save for a guitar and speakers, hanging out with friends, meeting new friends and listening to good heavy music.
As for LIFE
Well... i have a house to live in! YAY! Not that I'm homeless or anything right now... It's just, all my stuff is at Angels/Dez's, I'm mostly at moms, and... well yeah. >.< I hate riding the bus. Hate it, with a passion.!! hahah
I should maybe be getting ready for swimming, or something.... whatever lol ... I'm ... I'm kind of exhausted. and the amount of coffee I'm drinking is really making my tummy hurt, big time. :( sad face.
I want to get to work on some more artwork, or something. It'd be nice... I
LOVE YOU ALL!!!
I stayed up all night, I want to say why.. i want to say what i was doing and who i was doing it with and hahaha fuck. I want to say how fun it was but I probably shouldn't do that. I kind of want to fantasize about it for a bit though. the things he said ... things he did. God... yeah.
I'm so tired.
I need to go to bed, goodnight.
>If you don't pre-purchase a site before your untimely demise, do they just stick you wherever? Always kinda wondered that. Would suck if you're into feng-shui.
>I bet old people play dead just for fun. I sure would.
>For all I know she could be the head of some crazy cult, intent on world domination or something. She might even have kids.
>The window is only inches from the bookshelf and after I take a few sugar sachets from my bag I crack the venetian blinds, actually hoping to see something decent.
Oh, what a fool I am.
Miles and miles of green. Hills, valleys, dips and curves. Grass, grass, grass, for fucking miles. Cows. Goddamn cows.
“Fuck you too.” I snap, and yank the blinds shut.
>Sometimes I have this wicked craving for longer hair, just so I can whip my towel around it like all the girls do. It just looks so neat!>Oh, young love. It's amazing how often it can be mistaken for vampirism.
okay.. yeah I'm done for now ^_^
I'm going to try to write more... more stories
more journal entries
more random thoughts...
More of anything really...
It just feels GOOD to write again :)
I'll try.. try to be back tomorrow with a real update on my life... or maybe later tonight when I can't sleep because my thoughts are drifting so fast it feels like they are choking me.
Until then.. here is a list of stories everyone should read :)
Brady Remington Landed Me In Jail
Spinning in Straight Lines
Stupid Post It Notes
All amazingly written stories by very talented writers :) Enjoy
(pervert_) not cuz im gay
(pervert_) it's so i don't get jacked
(pervert_) wait....that sounds bad
(+ware) I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and
(+ware) slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just get sooo
(+ware) stressed and life seems to get funny?
(+ware) Well, I could NOT believe it . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car,
(+ware) looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
(+ware) So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"... and
(+ware) THAT'S when the fight started . .
**You know you're in a Racist channel when you see this**
<@codstar> rice crispies and hangovers don't go together
<@codstar> first time ive ever told a bowl of cereal to stfu
Okay... I'm done for now!! ROFL
I'm fucking Curt
I feel like a whore.
Why do I do this?
Living with Angel, Dez and Dom will be fantastic. I'm so excited.
I went from one relationship that I didn't want but couldn't get out of into another one that I don't want and can't get out of. Fuck shit; men are dumb. Is Brandon the only guy I know that can have a normal fuck buddy relationship? Curt puts too much into this - like we aren't friends... like we're dating instead. IT'S NOT COOL!! NOT OKAY MR.CURT...
how come every time I go over there he assume's SEX... sometimes I like to hang out with my FRIEND and watch movies without cuddling and holding hands and being disgustingly "into each other" fucking fuck. What!? Because I'm a girl I have to want some sort of relationship with a guy just because I fucked him? GUYS DON'T HAVE TO! Why should I??
Moving is going to be GREAT! So excited, I think it'll work out really well! I think it's going to be wonderful! I can't wait!
THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME MOVE IN ANGEL!
Just read some of these VERY fucked up science experiments.....
Heartbeat At Death
Shock the Puppy
Would You Go To Bed With Me Tonight?
Stimuli Eliciting Sexual Behavior in Turkeys
Seeing Through Cat’s Eyes
The Electrification of Human Corpses
My Fingernails Taste Terribly Bitter
The Ape and the Child
The Remote-Controlled Bull
The Vomit-Drinking Doctor
Facial expressions while decapitating a rat
The Stanford Prison Experiment
The Isolated Head of a Dog
The Initiation of Heterosexual Behavior in a Homosexual Male
Demikhov’s Two-Headed Dogs
Elephants on Acid
2. Promptness shows respect.
3. You can’t avoid offending people from time to time. When you don’t mean it, apologize. When you do mean it, accept the consequences.
4. The first person to use the expression “Get a life!” in any dispute is the loser.
5. The medium is not the message. Those who issue blanket condemnations of any form of communication—be it TV, tabloids, text messages or blogs—simply aren’t paying attention.
6. The most valuable thing to have is a good reputation, and it’s neither hard nor expensive to acquire one: Be fair. Be honest. Be trustworthy. Be generous. Respect others.
7. Prejudice and bigotry is hard-wired into us. You can’t overcome it until you acknowledge it.
8. Don’t be bothered when people don’t share your tastes in music, sports, literature, food and fashion. Be glad. You’d never get tickets to anything otherwise.
9. Cough syrup doesn’t work.
10. Empathy is the greatest virtue. From it, all virtues flow. Without it, all virtues are an act.
11. The Golden Rule is the greatest moral truth. If you don’t believe in it, at least try to fake it.
12. Keeping perspective is the greatest key to happiness. From a distance, even a bumpy road looks smooth.
13. You can’t win arguing with police officers or referees, but every so often you can fight City Hall.
14. It’s not “political correctness” that dictates that we try not to insult others’ beliefs and identities. It’s common decency.
15. It may not feel like it, but it’s good luck when you have people at home and at work who aren’t afraid to tell you when you’re wrong.
16. It’s 10 times easier to fall in love than to stay in love. And no matter what the sad songs say about romance, broken hearts do mend.
17. Don’t waste your breath proclaiming what’s really important to you. How you spend your time says it all.
18. Keeping an open mind is as big a challenge as you get older as keeping a consistent waistline.
19. It’s never a shame when you admit you don’t know something, and often a shame when you assume that you do.
20. Wounds heal faster under bandages than they do in the open air.
21. Fear of failure is a ticket to mediocrity. If you’re not failing from time to time, you’re not pushing yourself. And if you’re not pushing yourself, you’re coasting.
22. Anyone who judges you by the kind of car you drive or shoes you wear isn’t someone worth impressing.
23. Grudges are poison. The only antidote is to let them go.
24. If you’re in a conversation and you’re not asking questions, then it’s not a conversation, it’s a monologue.
25. In everyday life, most “talent” is simply hard work in disguise.
26. Great parents can have rotten kids and rotten parents can have great kids. But even though biology plays a huge role in destiny, that’s no excuse to give up or stop trying.
27. Four things that most people think are lame but really are a lot of fun: barn dancing, charades, volleyball and sing-alongs.
28. Two cheap, easy self-improvement projects: Develop a strong handshake and start smiling when you answer the phone.
29. When something that costs less than $200 breaks and it’s not under warranty and you can’t fix it yourself in half an hour, it’s almost certainly more cost-effective to throw it out.
30. Most folk remedies are nonsense, but zinc really does zap colds.
31. Physical attraction is nice, but shared values and a shared sense of humor are the real keys to lasting love.
32. To keep dental visits regular, schedule your next appointment on your way out from your last appointment.
33. The 10-minute jump start is the best way to get going on a big task you’ve been avoiding. Set a timer and begin, promising yourself that you’ll quit after 10 minutes and do something else. The momentum will carry you forward.
34. Laundry day is much easier when all your socks are the same and you don’t have to sort them.
35. Candor is overrated. It’s hard to unsay what you’ve said in anger and almost impossible to take back what you’ve written.
36. Goals that you keep to yourself are just castles on the beach. If you’re determined to achieve something, tell people about it and ask them to help you stick with it.
37. Mental illness is as real as diabetes, arthritis or any other disease, and no more disgraceful. It’s the stigma that’s disgraceful.
38. In crisis or conflict, always think and act strategically. Take time to figure out what the “winning” outcome is for you, then work toward it.
39. All the stuff you have lying around that you’ll never want, need, wear or look at again? It just makes it harder to find what you do want, need or intend to wear. File it, donate it or throw it out.
40. Exercise does not take time. Exercise creates time.
41. Almost no one stretches, flosses or gives compliments often enough.
42. It pays to keep handy a list that includes a trusted plumber, electrician, locksmith, appliance repair specialist and heating contractor. When you really need one is no time to start looking.
43. The store-brand jelly, cereal, paper goods, baking supplies and pharmacy products are good enough.
44. When you mess up, ’fess up. It’s the fastest way, if there is one, to forgiveness.
45. When you’re not the worst-dressed person at a social event, you have nothing to worry about.
46. Be truthful or be quiet. Lies are hard to keep track of.
47. Your education isn’t complete until you’ve learned to take a hint.
48. There’s a good reason to be secretive about your age. People tend to assume things when they know how old you are. “Oh, he’s turning 50,” they might say, for example, “probably full of cranky self-lacerating aphorisms that he thinks qualify as wisdom.” (See "Bored, Tubby, Mild," an animated editorial cartoon along these lines)
49. Whatever your passion, pursue it as though your days were numbered. Because they are.
50. Readers love lists. You got to the bottom of this one, didn’t you?
I'm exactly 90lbs ... Do you know how scary that is?? I was 110 for a while - where did I go? It explains why I'm so tired and shit all the time though. I have nothing there to keep me healthy. I'll start gaining weight as I build up my muscles which will be nice. I'll start looking and feeling better. It's gonna be great!!
I think I am going to enjoy it.
... also, just a question, but - how many people read this?? just - post a comment if you do (don't need names if you don't want)... Thanks!!
It's easier this way.
I have another problem now though... Curt. he's great, he's a good friend. That's ALL I want us to be. Casual sex friends. Nothing more than that, but the way he acts is making me feel like I jumped out of one relationship that was forced on me, into another one that is being forced on me. It's not how I want things.
I don't want him to make me look like I'm his girlfriend, and the other night when we went to Walkers and The Roxy - that's how I felt. I do NOT want to be his. As a pet, sure; as a casual fuck, yes; but... things are getting complicated all over again.
I am scared that if he sees me at a bar, kissing another guy, he'll be offended. That's not the way I want this to work. I want him to be kissing other girls too. I want him to be fucking other girls. I want the freedom of being single. I need that. when I'm around him, that doesn't work.
I'll need to figure something out. I'll have to talk to him. I mean, I'm sure he'll understand... I hope he does. he does not want a relationship either (I think). If this starts being too much of a regular thing I will tell him that he has to stop. I'll have to.
I just have a lot of thinking to do I guess. It'll work out.
Still not used to it.
Went to Sharmaine's the other night and I had a good time! Watched REPO: TGO it was amazing - but I say that everytime I see it, and I swear it's been about 25-30 times already. I have to be ready for the 20th!!! Theater showing you know ;) Also... that night - Went to watch Curt Kareokee it was a good time! He's a pretty good singer. It was fun. He came back to Shar's with us, and we cuddled all night long - among other things... not yea...
We didn't have sex
I want to make that clear. We did not have sex.
I think that's it for now. Yea... That's it,
NOT FUCKING HAPPY!
VIOLENTLY FUCKING UNHAPPY
IT'S NOT FUCKING OKAY!
So, simple solution: Break up with James. SURE! sounds great BUT!! but. I can't! .... that's right, I can't. BECAUSE he is living here now. CAM likes him (as does Brodie (I think)) and I'm not enough of a bitch to just toss him on the street. Maybe I should be. The other problem is :: Owen. Great guy from what I've seen. I'm scared that if I toss James out, Owen will follow, and then we're stuck looking for a new roomie. Not so cool. I can't do that.
To be honest, i was going to do it tonight.
It was going to be the end of all the shit and every-fucking-thing else! BUUUTTT NO! No it never fucking works out that way! EVER! Every other guy that treated me like shit, I was able to drop in a SECOND! not this one. of course not. The Masochist in me is telling me to enjoy the abuse, but the sane part of me is telling me that he's an asshole. Cheating on me. Lying to me. Using me. I can fucking FEEEELLLL IT!
Why am I being this weak?
Why am I so pathetic?
What is wrong with me?
FUCK YOU!!! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE
GET OUT OF MY LIFE
GET OUT OF MY MIND
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BED!
FUCK FUCK FUCK
I'm getting my nails done.
I'm going to join a gym.
Cuz I want to look good for you
Cuz I want to impress you
Cuz I feel like I need to
Maybe my work will make us a pretty little home...
Don't want to give up our pretty little home.
Did the dishes for two hours yesterday;
Cleaned the house to make you happy.
Thank you for saying thanks,
It's nice to feel appreciated.
Okay - I'm done being a little poet. But yeah, as I was saying, I'm getting my hair cut. I will draw a picture of how I want it in a bit, and then I can actually explain how it's going to look. Anyway, it's going to be awesome!
I am also getting my nails done, and yes; I am going to join a gym. Steph and I decided that it is a new year, and we deserve to feel good about ourselves. We deserve it! maybe I will even be able to afford a new outfit ^_^!! I'm so happy today, it feels good to have all these plans.
Things have been going mostly okay right now. James is kinda acting.. weird. Can't put my finger on it right now, but I feel like somethings up... It's hard to say with him. I'm not going to waste time worrying about it right now though. I am being too happy listening to music, and learning to be independent from him.
Music is making me happy right now. Beyond belief. I can't wait to get some of this stuff downloaded. It's really quite exciting hahaha!!
ba da da da baa ba ba
Yeah - leave me alone to listen to my muziks now please... IMA Robot SUCKS! wow... bad song for a moment there. But wow, I haven't heard a female singer in a long time i like this much (Felix da Housecat)
So whatever - maybe I should actually let this go somewhere sometime eh?
My friend Steph broke up with her 2 1/2 year boyfriend about four days ago... Damn. I guess you can never really see it coming. Well actually, that is a lie. She needed to get rid of him, he bordered on abuse I think. Mostly because of his drinking (mood swings and blackouts like mad fuck) I only met him like 3 times and he seemed not so cool pretty much every time.
I'm proud of her for getting rid of him. Good job Girl!!
Other news: Old news to be more specific
- Tynera came over a couple times last week which was really really nice. I didn't realize how much i missed hanging out with her until she showed up and was the same old Tear I always knew and fell in love with.
- Work is BALLZ we got a raise, yes, but they are cutting back our hours so it hardly even matters. Fucking manegment doesn't know shit about what our job includes and they think it's o easy to get the rooms spotless and it isn't! It just isn't. Everyone is getting pissed off, but we are just housekeepers, so no one listens to us, no one cares and the entire thing is a waste of time.
:: Newer News
- Brandon knows; that is all I have to say about that.
- Brandon met James, and hopefully they do a jam session here sometime soon, because I would like to see Autaric get in some gigs here in Saskatoon so I can actually go and see my man on stage!
- TUG was okay... no complaints. Not a whole lot happened, Curt ignored me all night which was odd, but hey, he was hanging out with some cracked out twat so whatever. Seriously, the chick was fucked, ask anyone. TOPIC CHANGE:: Angel's set was really really good! We are going to TUG again on the 31st, which will be fun. More gothy nights to go around my dears. I'm looking forward to it.
- My week is busy. Tomorrow I am meeting with mom for coffee, and going to Angels, and maybe going to see Curt sing kereokee... not too sure about that one though. I am supossed to go hang out with him on Thursday night, and then Amanda and I are going to Divas on Friday - so yeah... busy busy busy....
Not sure how I'm going to deal with it all to be honest.
Anyway, my back is sore, and I'm kinda tired, and I need to sleep I guess ... LOL fuck
I want a guy who knows how to talk
I want a guy who knows how to love
I want a guy who knows how to fuck
I want a guy who knows how to touch
I don't want to be lied to
Don't want to be tossed aside
I don't want to be cheated on
Can't live with that kind of guy
I want a guy who makes me feel special
I want a guy who climbs through my window
I want a guy who takes cheesecake seriously
I want a guy who listens honestly
I don't want to take second place to drugs
Don't want him to watch lesbians fuck
I don't want to go to bed alone
Can't feel neglected and scorned
I want a guy who has his nipples pierced
I want a guy with tattoos and long hair
I want a guy who isn't to metal to take me to shows
I want a guy who doesn't like toes
I don't want to be hated
Don't want to take second place
I don't feel like I'm in the way
Don't want to feel ashamed
I want a guy who will fuck me against brick walls
I want a guy who will take pride as my master
I want a guy who never says never
I want a guy who can hold me forever
Yea, the last night I saw Brandon before leaving to BC he wrote me this poem
One last time
To say hello
One last time
To not let go
One last time
To run out the door
One last time
To see you four seconds more
One last time
To hold you in my arms
One last time
To keep you safe from harm
One last time
To lie naked together
One last time
To never say never
One last time
To talk about our dreams
One last time
To explain stupid schemes
One last time
To walk you up the stairs
One last time
It's not fair
One last time
To kiss you goodbye
Maybe the last time
... Maybe not
:: Written about Brandon ::
And he already promised
I would get hurt
And he already told me
And my mother doesn’t like him much
She knows he plays around
But in the end
It really doesn’t matter
I need him here
And I need him now
And don’t think about the future
Don’t think about the past
Now is all that counts
And my mother told me
To watch my heart
And she told me
I would get hurt
And she really doesn’t like him much
She knows he’s plays around
In the end it doesn’t matter
Can’t think about the future
Don’t think about the past
And tomorrow I might be crying
Last week I felt like dying
He breaks my heart
But that’s okay
He’s here now
Because none of it really matters
The future is not planned
And three years from now
I could hate him
Still need him
He’d be there
In the end
It's been 3 years
And guess what,
You're still here
And I still hate you
You broke my heart but that's okay
Cuz you're here now
and It's not going to change.
-i want to find a guy that basically will have sex everywhere
-and i want a guy that can just lift me up and fuck me against a wall...
-my fantasy is to be fucked against a wall
-i had one guy pin me up against the wall and crazily make out with me and it was like the hottest thing EVER
-maybe i needed an std or a kid for him to be into me
--- This poem was written by her ---
It was hard to see me leaving you
Now it’s hard to see why I was with you
Lost myself in your tangled web of lies
Knowing something was wrong
But as sick as it was I felt I belonged
Why did I let this go on so long?
All that happened is now I am alone
Everyone says maybe it is for the best
But at the moment I feel and emptiness
In my heart I know it was the right thing to do
For my happiness was dwindling
The part of you I loved was not the real you
You were about lying cheating and fakeness
But I got to face this
You and I were never meant to be
I gave you my everything
I gave you my all
And all I did was fall
Fall for a guy that would go out of his way to break
The heart of a girl truly in love with him
Now she has to recover from sleepless nights
A broken heart and blood shot eyes
Left dry from all the tears she’s cried
I was there through it everything
Just to be the girl on the side
I took your side over my friends countless times
I was even with you while you were sniffing lines
A guy I thought actually loved me turned into
A guy I hate as nearly as much as my father
I guess I was not enough
You had to go get with bitches that were rough
I hope it was worth it in the end
Now I’m hoping you are sitting there thinking
Thinking that you have made the biggest mistake of your life
I’m going to forget you
But I will never forgive you
-I want a guy that I will be his only drug
Not a guy that will leave you second to his drugs
-I want to be the only girl he wants to watch
Not a guy obsessed with watching lesbians
I'm a primitive person, I can't think of concepts like 'future' without meeting many of invincible obstacles which I can only beat when I get there. I act on impulse, if there is nothing there, I do little, as when I'm intrigued, I'll move. I can't say what I will or won't do, and quite frankly I am not worth your trust. I don't "date" and I just may never will till I'm 'matured', but...to get around all that crap talk...
1: There is no real immediate problem we had handle currently is there? I mean, we can worry about tomorrow, or I can come over tonight and we can run off somewhere...'specially now when it's warm in day and not too cold at night.
2: Although I can't be trusted, I WILL BE HONEST, not the kind that keeps secrets, I keep things in best interests and I talk...a lot
3: It's completely natural to be clingy, although honestly you haven't been at all clingy with me so far. It's good to be scared, it means to me that you have a value on relationships you already have, it flatters me but please watch that it doesn't turn destructive, you can do everything on your own, on your own you can get anything you
want. But if you are lonely or you are in need, you can take me for a shoulder to lean, or a pillar of strength, I don't sleep so often at nights and I don't live with parents you can call late night, but...I have exams and I'm ditching out, I feel rough about that(it's all over tomorrow).
As for the drinking thing...I don't think I got a drinking problem, I know you are plagued by your mothers
everyday, so it only makes sense that you don't want to be around it. So I think I owe you an apology for leaving gross stale beer in your closet for almost a month. Also, like I don't like weed my buddies seem to not do that around me, I won't go and sit under the bridge and be drinking beers. Kinda disrespectful ya know? Before you can say "it doesn't bother me" well probly but i'm just going to anyway or whatever. Yeesh, I've gone on so long again? I'm real sorry it's kinda pathetic, as you don't tell things to me in person, you make up for in coherent writing. I feel sorry for you having to go through this probable long writing of crap, so i'ma try to slow down and make more sense here on. --->
Sometimes I get really weirded out late nights, my psyche is in disarray but I think things are slowly making more sense and I'm understanding myself more(I'm always talking about myself). Sometimes I just want to see people or significant others dissapointed in me or I want to see people angry, not so much angry but I can't find the word. I'm serious when I talk about hate being a great thing, because it is a great thing. I'm not going nuts tonight either! but despite my bullshit, you put up with me. I talked with larissa, one of my old girlfriends who hears stuff about/from me from time-to-time (she's still kinda close to me I just don't talk to her all that often, and incase you might think ahead, no...we aren't...like, that... I see her more as my sister, and I'm quite sure she see's me the same way).Anyway, she told me that it sounds like lately I've been settling down and that I should find a nice older girlfriend who'd take care of me. I told her about Marie baking me food and made a funny, but...the other night you lemme go in and eat your food, which was VERY nice, although I probably didn't express my appreciation at the time. Man I gotta stop, I could go all night and not make a single point. okay this time I'll try even harder to be concise. --->
"Dating" is such a big thing in our society, I think it's silly to vow on anything, because obligations and words...are just that, and they enslave people. I work in different ways. I've dated for over 3 years it's not the words or fear of her being angry with me that stopped me from cheating. Although my lust wants me to be free to experience the far-flung world and 'taste the forbidden fruits' it's not my choice to be thinking about the "love" she promised me in my old town, when I'm with some equally nice people. But after enough time, I've gotten used to this, i'm not complaining, i'm not in pain i don't want to see her again it's just, that. I kind of live like that now, I see you, I like you, a lot. I am not going to go off telling you every little thing I feel because, well I don't want to make things cheap like that. Or I don't want you to think I'm so attached. I try to keep it down. But when I go to a concert or I get hit on at univ, I don't try to avoid them, I don't go after them either, and they don't make me uncomfortable, but I don't really got a choice. I just don't feel interested in whoever, and nothing happens. That's just the way it's been. Last party this alyssa girl kept hitting me with this plastic cane, but i was like whatever. then later i was hangin out in someone's room when this same chick came and pushed me onto the bed. (k here's the better part) I got up, took the cane and hit her on the back of the calf moderately hard, called her a whore, and was out of the room. You mighta heard this story or you might have not, I tend to repeat but I don't think i said it yet. Yeah it was kinda mean and my buddies were kinda like..."wha?" and maybe I shulda been less...vulgar, I mean...I did have "fuck me" on my chest, soooo yeah. But that's the kinda bastard I am. But anyway.
Maybe I don't like dating because it implies things, you expect things. Don't expect anything from me other than honesty, and that I'll come when you call me, (unless it's like bullshit like I'm at work and you can't find the
remote control or whatever the fuck could happen). Then again, I know you go out to the underground, and you got dudes out there who CAN dance, unlike me, and hey, it's good to dance. Don't picture me standing there shaking my head like "no" cuz i'd want you to have fun. I don't want you to feel obligated, or trapped. yet there are times when I start noticing I'm 'going under' and realise I ain't getting out of your bed until I have to go to work. I figure I just don't want to give everything to you, lose control, because if I did see you everyday, and I did call you like 11:30pm wenesday nights all the time for no reason. I probly would fall in and i'd wakeup someday who knows how far long later and live in a trailor with like eight kids and the tv would be on of like re-runs of jerry springer and I'd be horridly obese and wearin' a dirty white tanktop yelling at my kid Jeffery-
bedford about bringin me the remote and to change his brothers diaper. Maybe I'm just afraid of getting serious because I know I'd fuck things up again. But like you said, maybe making a mistake would be nice. But I don't got no intentions of me becoming one of your mistakes. you probly didn't even mean it that way but it almost makes sense to me, just kinda kick it sometimes and see what comes out. well I'm going to stop writing thoughts as they come, since i WILL go on soooo fucking much by the time you finish you just won't care anymore. Maybe i'll reply in short bursts that make more sense...yeah.
As for your grad, I won't be upset if you find someone other than me to bring to grad. It's YOUR grad, not mine. Just try to have alot of fun, if you take someone else, I'll just imagine they either have alot better fashion sense than me, or they know how to dance better, OR, the remote chance that they might somehow, or some miraculous way, have wooed you. No seriously, I understand I'm not the only person in town, and there are many people you have history with/whatever. Just have fun.
Dating, remember a ways back? you said you didn't want to date me. I remember then, I was like, "so if I asked you out you'd say no?" sorry to bring it up but fooling around is a good thing. I'm glad you are like that, it's good. I'm also just glad to know you. You are a fun person to be around and i've spent many of hours just doing nothing, staring at you in the face, the most boring of all things people could do, and be happy. You're very cute how you hide your face or how your cheeks get really firm when you smile big. K, enuf of that flowery crap, I just read the above and almost deleted it, but I rarely delete what I write. I probly should, like this right now but anyway.
Go to BC! I will miss you be sure. But don't hold back! I don't want to sound like a hippee but "let your spirt free" just do whatever you want. If you are curious about other men there, well, I can't stop you, I don't neccisarily encourage...obviously, but just be free. If anything happens, well, maybe you couldn't be honest with me, maybe I'd never know, most likely I wouldn't know if...BUT! I'd hope that you would at least know whats out there, and in knowing that, you may not be interested in me anymore, or you may feel compelled to tell me about it, maybe it'd make things stronger. Or maybe nothing would happen in the first place because, well, I imagine you might feel as I do and it just couldn't work. That is all negative thinking really. But i'm overconfident, maybe it's a good thing for me to think about. whatever. As for me "setting eyes on someone else", you shouldn't worry. Although it's probly totally natural I suppose. Just because I might not talk to you like all that much a week, it's not that I'm out tramping around, it's not that I'm overbusy. It's more like I just get a phonecall or msn'd by friends, and i'm out like that. I usually try *not to* call you most nights, because well, maybe I'd get annoying or maybe I know it's not good for me. I really don't want to have a girlfriend worry about me, or to worry about her, and all those negative aspects that come from it, but sometimes I can't really escape it anyway. Maybe I'll just give in eventually and like pull myself from my metaphysical "relationship cemetary", and chain myself to you somewhere's else. Maybe I'm a little mentally unstable? Maybe I'm kind of scary? well i get scared sometimes too. Maybe I'm a coward too. Maybe that's why I like my primitive "do what feels good now, don't worry 'bout the future". Going to BC could be a mistake, but just do it if you aren't happy here. Seein' cuts on you well, it probly doesn't help telling you but it uh, it pretty much hurts me to see it. If you were to vanish off one day, just gone, like somewhere else BC or whatever, like you told me you were going and that was it, I don't wanna creep you out too much but, that'd oh so very much greatly suck, I may just chase after you for awhile.
Yeesh, I oughta just stop, maybe words i really can't get my points across unless I'm in person, body language, you know. maybe I won't ever be able to communicate unless one of us learns to put coherent sentances together. I'm trying I am, but for the life of me I can't put my thoughts/ideas into words it's pathetic and aggravating. Don't be afraid to gimmie a call sometime or to just tell me whatever, I talk about "stupid things" all the time. and i'm not all that much emotional I'm not going to snap on you for saying something that would offend me. I don't think of you unintelligent either, I like it when you talk to me. Even if it's just about whatever that I don't understand, that I can pretend to understand but you look at me and know I know so little.
K I know i'm fault ridden, you might feel as if some things are wrong or going wrong. But if you think of the now, just talk to me, if you can, I was just trying to bore you with the guitar after awhile, I didn't even really care to play besides testing you. By time you wore me out, you were like :| from being tired,(is that smiley going to work?). Pretty juvenile eh? but, just gimmie a call or drop a message, I can think of better things than laying in bed all day, although it's still cool. Something simple like hangin' out at the bridge is nice too, but whatever. If I'm too boring forgive me, sometimes I just feel sluggish. You aren't difficult, it's ME! That is obvious. If you insist that I'm worth more than being a friend, know that I'm not worth it, I make a horrible boyfriend. But whatever you ask of me, whatever you need, if you can pinpoint it. If I can do it, just ask it of me. If you can write it down, then write it, I'd prefer hearing it from you. Sometimes I'm left with a feeling like my shoelaces are untied and something needs to be said, maybe that's why I go on. But really, you can joke and say, "cheesecake" that's easy, but sometimes it seems there is something else that you really want from me.
Brady Cline, Brady Cline, Brady Cline, Brady CLine, Brady Cline!
I guess I should explain a bit more.
Gabe has fully moved out. James and Owen are fully moving in. If he liked me, in the way I like him, this would be FUCKING AWESOME!... but he doesn't.
WE HAVN"T HAD SEX IN FUCKING MONTH! and I really don't think he has any desire to sleep with me at all any time soon. He doesn't think I'm good looking, or smart - all his compliments are saved for someone else (guess who).
I'm a SUP a PET and the things he is doing make me want to DIE. I wish I had enough balls to kill myself. ... Now more than ever before, sadly. I have never felt so unwanted, unloved. Not even Tynera made me feelthis bad about myself. and she treated me like SHIT. Maybe it was because she was never around, and James is ALWAYS around... and I get less attention form him than I did from her... He has no logical reason to ignore me as much as he does.
I would do anything for him. Everything he asks is done... and he won even CONCIDER coming to bed at the same time as me.
He hardly kisses me anymore.
We don't cuddle in bed.
I just want him to come upstairs and wrap his arms around me, kiss me, have sex with me, and fall asleep beside me. Why is that so hard? Why can't he do that ONE thing for me?
It's 4:00 am. I work at 9:00, so I need to be awake by 8:00. He knows that I will not be able to fall asleep until he comes to bed. I KNOWS I can't fall asleep without him... Yet, he is still downstairs watching Cam flaunt her chest around everywhere, smoking weed and playing fucking video games.
I should know better than to be surprised by any of this. I guess I'm not actually surprised by it, just hurt. Really hurt. I need to learn that no matter how hard I try, he will continue to hurt me like this, and as a pet, It is my job to learn to acept it. Then maybe I will be able to go to sleep an night and it might not hurt as badly.
I want to sleep.
I wish I could.
I wish James would just come the fuck upstairs but I am too scared to ask him.
I am afraid of the scorn, hate and rejection that I know will come off of him. In some ways, I would like to stay awake until he comes upstairs... wishful thinking that maybe it will make him feel bad. I almost swear that he does not have emotions. Well, not toward me anyway.
Work in 4 hours. I am going to try to sleep...
Pray that I don't kill myself over the course of it, because I'm almost afraid that I might.
I know that he does not like me in the same way that I like him; but the few times that he pretends to like me, and some of the happiest times. It's it bad, that I don't care if his feelings for me are fake? He hurts me so often, and the worst part is: I think he knows he's hurting me, but he does not care. He's worried about his own happiness. I'd give my world for him, and he can't even find it in himself, to come to bed until after I've fallen asleep.
I'm used to people using me. He does it well, he know I would not deny him anything he asked for. Everything I do, I do for him, can he not do this one little thing for me? I'm not used to the idea that it is not my body he wants to use. It's my home, my material things. Why am I with this guy?
Because I LIKE HIM.
Because maybe he will change.
I sound like an abused house wife.... I o not like this, my entire being hurts. My body hurts....
I need to finish this post later. James is HOME.
Goad damn.... now about serious things. Mmmm...
I really like James, like - really really like James. It feels great to have him around me. Home with me (HOME). He's being a bit more intimate lately (still no sex). It feels amazing when he touches me; kisses me; hugs me; wants me?? Does he? I have no idea. But i know I like him more than even I want to admit... and I guess that's okay.
I put up with Tynera's burn-out neglect for nine months....
It feels strange to want someone like this again... Brandon will always be my heroin, he will always have that place in my heart that is reserved for my first real love.... but I think maybe James could be my Cocain. It feels just a bit safer.... it feels like I'm almost floating.
Maybe Cocain isn't the right drug.... maybe he;s more like Weed. Hard to say.
Don't think i can't
You have no idea what I can do when I put my mind to it.
An eye for an eye; a tooth for a tooth. It' makes sense to me.
It's true too, I'm afraid. She's so pretty, awesome, cool without ever needing to try. One of those girls that everyone is attracted to. The more I hang out with her and Caryn, the shittier I feel about myself. I don't think friends are suposed to make you feel like that.
I miss the days when Ice cream could fix all my problems. I just want to break down and cry forever. There is so much pain, self loathing, and hate inside me that I can actually feel myself drowning under the weight of it all.
I can feel the sting form the pain in my legs from where I cut them. I missed it, I kind of love the feeling. I love the feeling more than I should. It's addicting. My vice. I miss the pain, sharp and throbbing all at once, the sound the blade makes when it cuts through skin. It's so perfect. It feels almost RIGHT. I always miss it after a long break from it.
Just one more cut.
I think I can relate to how drug addicts feel now.
James is gone for a bit, I should probably venture down and have a shower. Try to get clean. try to look pretty despite that I know HE won't say shit about it. Try to de-stress. Maybe take my knife.. maybe just another couple of cuts. Just a couple.
I've always wanted to cut in the shower. Seems almost romantic somehow... Kind of like cocain, high class, dirty and glamorous.
I love those feelings.
I love to get high.
I want to float away.
I want to overdose on Pain.
Maybe he'd like me more if I smoked, did drugs, dyed my hair purple, kissed girls and called myself CAM. Maybe then he'd treat me better, have sex with me (it's been nearly a month), compliment me, find me attractive and actually want to be around me.
Maybe I should just OD on my meds, slit my wrists and put us both out of our misery. He could comfort Cam all the way into BED; which is where I'm pretty sure he wants her anyway. To be honest, he makes it kind of obvious (he doesn't look at me like that). It's really a shame he never pays much attention to me... Whatever, I don't know why I even bother getting my hopes up in this case. It will never happen.
Heh, just a few days into my new years resolutions, and I've already broken them all. In ONE FUCKING DAY JAMES!! ONE DAY!!!! I overmedicated, started cutting, and stopped eating (and I don't intand to start again anytime soon: fuck you)
Life is wonderful.
Drown myself in music and I write down all my pathetic poisons.
I don't blame him for not liking me, I'm not smart, or pretty, or fun, or musicly inclined. I don't smoke, do a bunch of drugs, play videogames or quote South Park... I'm ugly, too many scars, stupid, scared. Too clingy, needy, whiney. PATHETIC. I should be dead.
Why these words? Because, let me put it this way... Last night was awkward because I am a skank. Curt, James, Cam, Brodie and I sat around watching movies last night. Normally, this should not be an awkward situation, but when you bring into account the fact that I was sitting in a room filled with people I've fucked, and all of them know it except for my boyfriend.... yea. not fun. Invite Tynera and Brandon over and BAM there's all my ex lovers in one room. FUCK.
James is sitting beside me playing Twilight Princess (Zelda) while I write this and it feels strangely okay... I'm not sure why that is exactly, because I hate writing in my journals while there are people around. ... Do I really trust him this much?
Gabe - is moving out. Things are not okay there, but I am hoping he will learn to forgive me and maybe one day we can be friends again. It hurts, and I miss him dearly. I hope he finds himself and can be happy with whatever he chooses to do.
James will be moving in (for good) sometime in February, he basically lives here anyway. I think that maybe I can learn to make him happy and things will hopefully work out for us. I do like him; a lot. I just wish he liked me too. It hurts not knowing if I make him happy or not. He never talks to me about anything. I have no idea what he is feeling or thinking. I guess I don't really tell him either. I guess that's life.
I hate this, I hate feeling like this.
One big Drama after another.