Thursday

Our Work Makes Pretty Little Homes

I'm getting my hair done.
I'm getting my nails done.
I'm going to join a gym.

Cuz I want to look good for you
Cuz I want to impress you
Cuz I feel like I need to

Maybe my work will make us a pretty little home...
Don't want to give up our pretty little home.

Did the dishes for two hours yesterday;
Cleaned the house to make you happy.
Thank you for saying thanks,
It's nice to feel appreciated.

Okay - I'm done being a little poet. But yeah, as I was saying, I'm getting my hair cut. I will draw a picture of how I want it in a bit, and then I can actually explain how it's going to look. Anyway, it's going to be awesome!

I am also getting my nails done, and yes; I am going to join a gym. Steph and I decided that it is a new year, and we deserve to feel good about ourselves. We deserve it! maybe I will even be able to afford a new outfit ^_^!! I'm so happy today, it feels good to have all these plans.

Tuesday

I Might Distort Myself A Bit

Sitting here on a lonely Tuesday night listening to The Faint on Last.fm (and similar artists, of course) trying to find a few new bands that might hold my interest for a while. I have been looking for some new music. I have found a few so far.

::Beep Beep
::Cursive
::Fischerspooner
::The Rapture
::The Presets

Things have been going mostly okay right now. James is kinda acting.. weird. Can't put my finger on it right now, but I feel like somethings up... It's hard to say with him. I'm not going to waste time worrying about it right now though. I am being too happy listening to music, and learning to be independent from him.

Music is making me happy right now. Beyond belief. I can't wait to get some of this stuff downloaded. It's really quite exciting hahaha!!

ba da da da baa ba ba

Yeah - leave me alone to listen to my muziks now please... IMA Robot SUCKS! wow... bad song for a moment there. But wow, I haven't heard a female singer in a long time i like this much (Felix da Housecat)

So whatever - maybe I should actually let this go somewhere sometime eh?

My friend Steph broke up with her 2 1/2 year boyfriend about four days ago... Damn. I guess you can never really see it coming. Well actually, that is a lie. She needed to get rid of him, he bordered on abuse I think. Mostly because of his drinking (mood swings and blackouts like mad fuck) I only met him like 3 times and he seemed not so cool pretty much every time.

I'm proud of her for getting rid of him. Good job Girl!!

----------

Other news: Old news to be more specific

- Tynera came over a couple times last week which was really really nice. I didn't realize how much i missed hanging out with her until she showed up and was the same old Tear I always knew and fell in love with.

- Work is BALLZ we got a raise, yes, but they are cutting back our hours so it hardly even matters. Fucking manegment doesn't know shit about what our job includes and they think it's o easy to get the rooms spotless and it isn't! It just isn't. Everyone is getting pissed off, but we are just housekeepers, so no one listens to us, no one cares and the entire thing is a waste of time.

BOGUS!

:: Newer News

- Brandon knows; that is all I have to say about that.

- Brandon met James, and hopefully they do a jam session here sometime soon, because I would like to see Autaric get in some gigs here in Saskatoon so I can actually go and see my man on stage!

- TUG was okay... no complaints. Not a whole lot happened, Curt ignored me all night which was odd, but hey, he was hanging out with some cracked out twat so whatever. Seriously, the chick was fucked, ask anyone. TOPIC CHANGE:: Angel's set was really really good! We are going to TUG again on the 31st, which will be fun. More gothy nights to go around my dears. I'm looking forward to it.

- My week is busy. Tomorrow I am meeting with mom for coffee, and going to Angels, and maybe going to see Curt sing kereokee... not too sure about that one though. I am supossed to go hang out with him on Thursday night, and then Amanda and I are going to Divas on Friday - so yeah... busy busy busy....

Not sure how I'm going to deal with it all to be honest.

Anyway, my back is sore, and I'm kinda tired, and I need to sleep I guess ... LOL fuck

Monday

Old old journal

http://biziktin666.blogspot.com

I do not want to loose that journal. There is so much in there that I am so afraid of reading but one day... one day I will go back and read it all. One day.

I Want A Guy Like This



I want a guy who knows how to talk
I want a guy who knows how to love
I want a guy who knows how to fuck
I want a guy who knows how to touch

I don't want to be lied to
Don't want to be tossed aside
I don't want to be cheated on
Can't live with that kind of guy

I want a guy who makes me feel special
I want a guy who climbs through my window
I want a guy who takes cheesecake seriously
I want a guy who listens honestly

I don't want to take second place to drugs
Don't want him to watch lesbians fuck
I don't want to go to bed alone
Can't feel neglected and scorned

I want a guy who has his nipples pierced
I want a guy with tattoos and long hair
I want a guy who isn't to metal to take me to shows
I want a guy who doesn't like toes

I don't want to be hated
Don't want to take second place
I don't feel like I'm in the way
Don't want to feel ashamed

I want a guy who will fuck me against brick walls
I want a guy who will take pride as my master
I want a guy who never says never
I want a guy who can hold me forever

A Series of Unfortunate Poems


Yea, the last night I saw Brandon before leaving to BC he wrote me this poem

One last time
To say hello
One last time
To not let go

One last time
To run out the door
One last time
To see you four seconds more

One last time
To hold you in my arms
One last time
To keep you safe from harm

One last time
To lie naked together
One last time
To never say never

One last time
To talk about our dreams
One last time
To explain stupid schemes

One last time
To walk you up the stairs
One last time
It's not fair

One last time
To kiss you goodbye
Maybe the last time
... Maybe not


:: Written about Brandon ::

The End

And he already promised
I would get hurt
And he already told me
He lies
And my mother doesn’t like him much
She knows he plays around

But in the end
It really doesn’t matter
I need him here
And I need him now
And don’t think about the future
Don’t think about the past
Now is all that counts

And my mother told me
To watch my heart
And she told me
I would get hurt
And she really doesn’t like him much
She knows he’s plays around

In the end it doesn’t matter
Can’t think about the future
Don’t think about the past

And tomorrow I might be crying
Last week I felt like dying
He breaks my heart
But that’s okay
He’s here now

Because none of it really matters
The future is not planned
And three years from now
I could hate him
Still need him
He’d be there

Hating me
Needing me
In the end

It's been 3 years
And guess what,
You're still here
And I still hate you
Need you
Feel you
Breath you

You broke my heart but that's okay
Cuz you're here now
and It's not going to change.

maybe i just need to find that guy that makes you constantly feel sick and in a good way

...She Knows Exactly How I feel....

-i want to find a guy that basically will have sex everywhere

-and i want a guy that can just lift me up and fuck me against a wall...

-my fantasy is to be fucked against a wall

-i had one guy pin me up against the wall and crazily make out with me and it was like the hottest thing EVER

-maybe i needed an std or a kid for him to be into me

--- This poem was written by her ---
It was hard to see me leaving you
Now it’s hard to see why I was with you
Lost myself in your tangled web of lies
Knowing something was wrong
But as sick as it was I felt I belonged
Why did I let this go on so long?
All that happened is now I am alone
Everyone says maybe it is for the best
But at the moment I feel and emptiness
In my heart I know it was the right thing to do
For my happiness was dwindling
The part of you I loved was not the real you
You were about lying cheating and fakeness
But I got to face this
You and I were never meant to be
I gave you my everything
I gave you my all
And all I did was fall
Fall for a guy that would go out of his way to break
The heart of a girl truly in love with him
Now she has to recover from sleepless nights
A broken heart and blood shot eyes
Left dry from all the tears she’s cried
I was there through it everything
Just to be the girl on the side
I took your side over my friends countless times
I was even with you while you were sniffing lines
A guy I thought actually loved me turned into
A guy I hate as nearly as much as my father
I guess I was not enough
You had to go get with bitches that were rough
I hope it was worth it in the end
Now I’m hoping you are sitting there thinking
Thinking that you have made the biggest mistake of your life
I’m going to forget you
But I will never forgive you

...

-I want a guy that I will be his only drug
Not a guy that will leave you second to his drugs

-I want to be the only girl he wants to watch
Not a guy obsessed with watching lesbians

The REASON why he is my Heroin

You!!! you you! look, I pulled snoop again and read your journal entry on "welcome to my nightmare". Giving a phonecall and talking would be more my style, but I imagine it'd be alot more akward for you and...well just not so swell. Anyway, maybe I'm making too big a deal of things, because I understand that when you write you are most likely not all that tranquil, but let me take it seriously and try not to get it all wrong.
I'm a primitive person, I can't think of concepts like 'future' without meeting many of invincible obstacles which I can only beat when I get there. I act on impulse, if there is nothing there, I do little, as when I'm intrigued, I'll move. I can't say what I will or won't do, and quite frankly I am not worth your trust. I don't "date" and I just may never will till I'm 'matured', but...to get around all that crap talk...

1: There is no real immediate problem we had handle currently is there? I mean, we can worry about tomorrow, or I can come over tonight and we can run off somewhere...'specially now when it's warm in day and not too cold at night.
2: Although I can't be trusted, I WILL BE HONEST, not the kind that keeps secrets, I keep things in best interests and I talk...a lot
3: It's completely natural to be clingy, although honestly you haven't been at all clingy with me so far. It's good to be scared, it means to me that you have a value on relationships you already have, it flatters me but please watch that it doesn't turn destructive, you can do everything on your own, on your own you can get anything you

want. But if you are lonely or you are in need, you can take me for a shoulder to lean, or a pillar of strength, I don't sleep so often at nights and I don't live with parents you can call late night, but...I have exams and I'm ditching out, I feel rough about that(it's all over tomorrow).
As for the drinking thing...I don't think I got a drinking problem, I know you are plagued by your mothers

everyday, so it only makes sense that you don't want to be around it. So I think I owe you an apology for leaving gross stale beer in your closet for almost a month. Also, like I don't like weed my buddies seem to not do that around me, I won't go and sit under the bridge and be drinking beers. Kinda disrespectful ya know? Before you can say "it doesn't bother me" well probly but i'm just going to anyway or whatever. Yeesh, I've gone on so long again? I'm real sorry it's kinda pathetic, as you don't tell things to me in person, you make up for in coherent writing. I feel sorry for you having to go through this probable long writing of crap, so i'ma try to slow down and make more sense here on. --->

Sometimes I get really weirded out late nights, my psyche is in disarray but I think things are slowly making more sense and I'm understanding myself more(I'm always talking about myself). Sometimes I just want to see people or significant others dissapointed in me or I want to see people angry, not so much angry but I can't find the word. I'm serious when I talk about hate being a great thing, because it is a great thing. I'm not going nuts tonight either! but despite my bullshit, you put up with me. I talked with larissa, one of my old girlfriends who hears stuff about/from me from time-to-time (she's still kinda close to me I just don't talk to her all that often, and incase you might think ahead, no...we aren't...like, that... I see her more as my sister, and I'm quite sure she see's me the same way).Anyway, she told me that it sounds like lately I've been settling down and that I should find a nice older girlfriend who'd take care of me. I told her about Marie baking me food and made a funny, but...the other night you lemme go in and eat your food, which was VERY nice, although I probably didn't express my appreciation at the time. Man I gotta stop, I could go all night and not make a single point. okay this time I'll try even harder to be concise. --->

"Dating" is such a big thing in our society, I think it's silly to vow on anything, because obligations and words...are just that, and they enslave people. I work in different ways. I've dated for over 3 years it's not the words or fear of her being angry with me that stopped me from cheating. Although my lust wants me to be free to experience the far-flung world and 'taste the forbidden fruits' it's not my choice to be thinking about the "love" she promised me in my old town, when I'm with some equally nice people. But after enough time, I've gotten used to this, i'm not complaining, i'm not in pain i don't want to see her again it's just, that. I kind of live like that now, I see you, I like you, a lot. I am not going to go off telling you every little thing I feel because, well I don't want to make things cheap like that. Or I don't want you to think I'm so attached. I try to keep it down. But when I go to a concert or I get hit on at univ, I don't try to avoid them, I don't go after them either, and they don't make me uncomfortable, but I don't really got a choice. I just don't feel interested in whoever, and nothing happens. That's just the way it's been. Last party this alyssa girl kept hitting me with this plastic cane, but i was like whatever. then later i was hangin out in someone's room when this same chick came and pushed me onto the bed. (k here's the better part) I got up, took the cane and hit her on the back of the calf moderately hard, called her a whore, and was out of the room. You mighta heard this story or you might have not, I tend to repeat but I don't think i said it yet. Yeah it was kinda mean and my buddies were kinda like..."wha?" and maybe I shulda been less...vulgar, I mean...I did have "fuck me" on my chest, soooo yeah. But that's the kinda bastard I am. But anyway.

Maybe I don't like dating because it implies things, you expect things. Don't expect anything from me other than honesty, and that I'll come when you call me, (unless it's like bullshit like I'm at work and you can't find the

remote control or whatever the fuck could happen). Then again, I know you go out to the underground, and you got dudes out there who CAN dance, unlike me, and hey, it's good to dance. Don't picture me standing there shaking my head like "no" cuz i'd want you to have fun. I don't want you to feel obligated, or trapped. yet there are times when I start noticing I'm 'going under' and realise I ain't getting out of your bed until I have to go to work. I figure I just don't want to give everything to you, lose control, because if I did see you everyday, and I did call you like 11:30pm wenesday nights all the time for no reason. I probly would fall in and i'd wakeup someday who knows how far long later and live in a trailor with like eight kids and the tv would be on of like re-runs of jerry springer and I'd be horridly obese and wearin' a dirty white tanktop yelling at my kid Jeffery-

bedford about bringin me the remote and to change his brothers diaper. Maybe I'm just afraid of getting serious because I know I'd fuck things up again. But like you said, maybe making a mistake would be nice. But I don't got no intentions of me becoming one of your mistakes. you probly didn't even mean it that way but it almost makes sense to me, just kinda kick it sometimes and see what comes out. well I'm going to stop writing thoughts as they come, since i WILL go on soooo fucking much by the time you finish you just won't care anymore. Maybe i'll reply in short bursts that make more sense...yeah.

As for your grad, I won't be upset if you find someone other than me to bring to grad. It's YOUR grad, not mine. Just try to have alot of fun, if you take someone else, I'll just imagine they either have alot better fashion sense than me, or they know how to dance better, OR, the remote chance that they might somehow, or some miraculous way, have wooed you. No seriously, I understand I'm not the only person in town, and there are many people you have history with/whatever. Just have fun.

Dating, remember a ways back? you said you didn't want to date me. I remember then, I was like, "so if I asked you out you'd say no?" sorry to bring it up but fooling around is a good thing. I'm glad you are like that, it's good. I'm also just glad to know you. You are a fun person to be around and i've spent many of hours just doing nothing, staring at you in the face, the most boring of all things people could do, and be happy. You're very cute how you hide your face or how your cheeks get really firm when you smile big. K, enuf of that flowery crap, I just read the above and almost deleted it, but I rarely delete what I write. I probly should, like this right now but anyway.

Go to BC! I will miss you be sure. But don't hold back! I don't want to sound like a hippee but "let your spirt free" just do whatever you want. If you are curious about other men there, well, I can't stop you, I don't neccisarily encourage...obviously, but just be free. If anything happens, well, maybe you couldn't be honest with me, maybe I'd never know, most likely I wouldn't know if...BUT! I'd hope that you would at least know whats out there, and in knowing that, you may not be interested in me anymore, or you may feel compelled to tell me about it, maybe it'd make things stronger. Or maybe nothing would happen in the first place because, well, I imagine you might feel as I do and it just couldn't work. That is all negative thinking really. But i'm overconfident, maybe it's a good thing for me to think about. whatever. As for me "setting eyes on someone else", you shouldn't worry. Although it's probly totally natural I suppose. Just because I might not talk to you like all that much a week, it's not that I'm out tramping around, it's not that I'm overbusy. It's more like I just get a phonecall or msn'd by friends, and i'm out like that. I usually try *not to* call you most nights, because well, maybe I'd get annoying or maybe I know it's not good for me. I really don't want to have a girlfriend worry about me, or to worry about her, and all those negative aspects that come from it, but sometimes I can't really escape it anyway. Maybe I'll just give in eventually and like pull myself from my metaphysical "relationship cemetary", and chain myself to you somewhere's else. Maybe I'm a little mentally unstable? Maybe I'm kind of scary? well i get scared sometimes too. Maybe I'm a coward too. Maybe that's why I like my primitive "do what feels good now, don't worry 'bout the future". Going to BC could be a mistake, but just do it if you aren't happy here. Seein' cuts on you well, it probly doesn't help telling you but it uh, it pretty much hurts me to see it. If you were to vanish off one day, just gone, like somewhere else BC or whatever, like you told me you were going and that was it, I don't wanna creep you out too much but, that'd oh so very much greatly suck, I may just chase after you for awhile.

Yeesh, I oughta just stop, maybe words i really can't get my points across unless I'm in person, body language, you know. maybe I won't ever be able to communicate unless one of us learns to put coherent sentances together. I'm trying I am, but for the life of me I can't put my thoughts/ideas into words it's pathetic and aggravating. Don't be afraid to gimmie a call sometime or to just tell me whatever, I talk about "stupid things" all the time. and i'm not all that much emotional I'm not going to snap on you for saying something that would offend me. I don't think of you unintelligent either, I like it when you talk to me. Even if it's just about whatever that I don't understand, that I can pretend to understand but you look at me and know I know so little.

K I know i'm fault ridden, you might feel as if some things are wrong or going wrong. But if you think of the now, just talk to me, if you can, I was just trying to bore you with the guitar after awhile, I didn't even really care to play besides testing you. By time you wore me out, you were like :| from being tired,(is that smiley going to work?). Pretty juvenile eh? but, just gimmie a call or drop a message, I can think of better things than laying in bed all day, although it's still cool. Something simple like hangin' out at the bridge is nice too, but whatever. If I'm too boring forgive me, sometimes I just feel sluggish. You aren't difficult, it's ME! That is obvious. If you insist that I'm worth more than being a friend, know that I'm not worth it, I make a horrible boyfriend. But whatever you ask of me, whatever you need, if you can pinpoint it. If I can do it, just ask it of me. If you can write it down, then write it, I'd prefer hearing it from you. Sometimes I'm left with a feeling like my shoelaces are untied and something needs to be said, maybe that's why I go on. But really, you can joke and say, "cheesecake" that's easy, but sometimes it seems there is something else that you really want from me.

Brady Cline, Brady Cline, Brady Cline, Brady CLine, Brady Cline!

NETMMFTBAM Part 2

He doesn't care about me at all, all he cares about is his weed, videogames, CAM(!!), cigarettes, beer.... everything but me it seems, actually. I almost wish I had broken up with him in the beginning when I started feeling used, before things got this far. Now... now there seems to be no way out.

I guess I should explain a bit more.

Gabe has fully moved out. James and Owen are fully moving in. If he liked me, in the way I like him, this would be FUCKING AWESOME!... but he doesn't.

WE HAVN"T HAD SEX IN FUCKING MONTH! and I really don't think he has any desire to sleep with me at all any time soon. He doesn't think I'm good looking, or smart - all his compliments are saved for someone else (guess who).

I'm a SUP a PET and the things he is doing make me want to DIE. I wish I had enough balls to kill myself. ... Now more than ever before, sadly. I have never felt so unwanted, unloved. Not even Tynera made me feelthis bad about myself. and she treated me like SHIT. Maybe it was because she was never around, and James is ALWAYS around... and I get less attention form him than I did from her... He has no logical reason to ignore me as much as he does.

I would do anything for him. Everything he asks is done... and he won even CONCIDER coming to bed at the same time as me.

He hardly kisses me anymore.

We don't cuddle in bed.

Nothing
Nothing
Nothing

I just want him to come upstairs and wrap his arms around me, kiss me, have sex with me, and fall asleep beside me. Why is that so hard? Why can't he do that ONE thing for me?

It's 4:00 am. I work at 9:00, so I need to be awake by 8:00. He knows that I will not be able to fall asleep until he comes to bed. I KNOWS I can't fall asleep without him... Yet, he is still downstairs watching Cam flaunt her chest around everywhere, smoking weed and playing fucking video games.

I should know better than to be surprised by any of this. I guess I'm not actually surprised by it, just hurt. Really hurt. I need to learn that no matter how hard I try, he will continue to hurt me like this, and as a pet, It is my job to learn to acept it. Then maybe I will be able to go to sleep an night and it might not hurt as badly.

I want to sleep.
I wish I could.

I wish James would just come the fuck upstairs but I am too scared to ask him.

I am afraid of the scorn, hate and rejection that I know will come off of him. In some ways, I would like to stay awake until he comes upstairs... wishful thinking that maybe it will make him feel bad. I almost swear that he does not have emotions. Well, not toward me anyway.

Work in 4 hours. I am going to try to sleep...

Good night.

Pray that I don't kill myself over the course of it, because I'm almost afraid that I might.

Not Even TYNERA Made me Feel This Bad About Myself

Does he Actually think I am going to bed anytime soon? Fuck.. he can be an asshole, I don't think he even cares. We both know there is no way that I am going to be able to sleep until he comes to bed, but CAM is home, so he probably won't come to bed, until she goes to bed. Not surprising, he was probably waiting for her to get home (something he'd never do for me).

I know that he does not like me in the same way that I like him; but the few times that he pretends to like me, and some of the happiest times. It's it bad, that I don't care if his feelings for me are fake? He hurts me so often, and the worst part is: I think he knows he's hurting me, but he does not care. He's worried about his own happiness. I'd give my world for him, and he can't even find it in himself, to come to bed until after I've fallen asleep.

I'm used to people using me. He does it well, he know I would not deny him anything he asked for. Everything I do, I do for him, can he not do this one little thing for me? I'm not used to the idea that it is not my body he wants to use. It's my home, my material things. Why am I with this guy?

Because I LIKE HIM.

Because maybe he will change.

I sound like an abused house wife.... I o not like this, my entire being hurts. My body hurts....

I need to finish this post later. James is HOME.

Oden

Welcome Owen, to our home.

He cool - James' friend.

Guitarist for Autaric ( http://myspace.com/autaric )

Good guy, makes the house feel good. Everyone likes him.

That is all.

YAY

Brandon is my HEROIN, but You Could be my Cocain

Angel found a perfect torrent of REPO: The Genetic Opera and burned me a copy of it. Amazing movie, I loved every second of it.

Goad damn.... now about serious things. Mmmm...

I really like James, like - really really like James. It feels great to have him around me. Home with me (HOME). He's being a bit more intimate lately (still no sex). It feels amazing when he touches me; kisses me; hugs me; wants me?? Does he? I have no idea. But i know I like him more than even I want to admit... and I guess that's okay.

I put up with Tynera's burn-out neglect for nine months....

It feels strange to want someone like this again... Brandon will always be my heroin, he will always have that place in my heart that is reserved for my first real love.... but I think maybe James could be my Cocain. It feels just a bit safer.... it feels like I'm almost floating.

Maybe Cocain isn't the right drug.... maybe he;s more like Weed. Hard to say.

My Mothers Lawsuit

Mom just called and she has grounds for a lawsuit against Dr. Mckee. Thank FUCK!! That bastard deserves to pay for all the shit he's put my mother and our family through. Some doctor he is. What a prick. If my mother dies because of him, I will BREAK. I will snap. I will KILL HIM

Don't think i can't

You have no idea what I can do when I put my mind to it.

An eye for an eye; a tooth for a tooth. It' makes sense to me.

"If I was Straight, you wouldn't have a chance"

I'm pissed at Cam, the least she could do is stop flaunting herself in front of my boyfriend (at the very least while I'm around). I think i mentioned this once before, but she told me that if she was straight, I would never have had a chance. She'd have been fucking him, long before I ever got a chance to meet him.

It's true too, I'm afraid. She's so pretty, awesome, cool without ever needing to try. One of those girls that everyone is attracted to. The more I hang out with her and Caryn, the shittier I feel about myself. I don't think friends are suposed to make you feel like that.

I miss the days when Ice cream could fix all my problems. I just want to break down and cry forever. There is so much pain, self loathing, and hate inside me that I can actually feel myself drowning under the weight of it all.

I can feel the sting form the pain in my legs from where I cut them. I missed it, I kind of love the feeling. I love the feeling more than I should. It's addicting. My vice. I miss the pain, sharp and throbbing all at once, the sound the blade makes when it cuts through skin. It's so perfect. It feels almost RIGHT. I always miss it after a long break from it.

Just one more cut.

I think I can relate to how drug addicts feel now.

James is gone for a bit, I should probably venture down and have a shower. Try to get clean. try to look pretty despite that I know HE won't say shit about it. Try to de-stress. Maybe take my knife.. maybe just another couple of cuts. Just a couple.

I've always wanted to cut in the shower. Seems almost romantic somehow... Kind of like cocain, high class, dirty and glamorous.

Dangerous.

I love those feelings.

I love to get high.

I want to float away.

I want to overdose on Pain.

Maybe He'd Like me More if I Dyed my Hair Purple and Called Myself CAM

James is in the shower. He's going out for beers with the guys tonight which is fine. We spent the day together, and I don't think he realizes how often he makes me feel like shit. Or maybe he does and just does not care.

Maybe he'd like me more if I smoked, did drugs, dyed my hair purple, kissed girls and called myself CAM. Maybe then he'd treat me better, have sex with me (it's been nearly a month), compliment me, find me attractive and actually want to be around me.

Maybe I should just OD on my meds, slit my wrists and put us both out of our misery. He could comfort Cam all the way into BED; which is where I'm pretty sure he wants her anyway. To be honest, he makes it kind of obvious (he doesn't look at me like that). It's really a shame he never pays much attention to me... Whatever, I don't know why I even bother getting my hopes up in this case. It will never happen.

Heh, just a few days into my new years resolutions, and I've already broken them all. In ONE FUCKING DAY JAMES!! ONE DAY!!!! I overmedicated, started cutting, and stopped eating (and I don't intand to start again anytime soon: fuck you)

Life is wonderful.

Drown myself in music and I write down all my pathetic poisons.

I don't blame him for not liking me, I'm not smart, or pretty, or fun, or musicly inclined. I don't smoke, do a bunch of drugs, play videogames or quote South Park... I'm ugly, too many scars, stupid, scared. Too clingy, needy, whiney. PATHETIC. I should be dead.

Another Awkward Skank

So, lets talk about words: Awkward and Skank.

Why these words? Because, let me put it this way... Last night was awkward because I am a skank. Curt, James, Cam, Brodie and I sat around watching movies last night. Normally, this should not be an awkward situation, but when you bring into account the fact that I was sitting in a room filled with people I've fucked, and all of them know it except for my boyfriend.... yea. not fun. Invite Tynera and Brandon over and BAM there's all my ex lovers in one room. FUCK.

James is sitting beside me playing Twilight Princess (Zelda) while I write this and it feels strangely okay... I'm not sure why that is exactly, because I hate writing in my journals while there are people around. ... Do I really trust him this much?

From Curt to Gabe

Wow, I have no idea what to say about the last week; from Curt to Gabe has just been one big drama. I am almost positive that PLAN B worked. Good enough, I guess...

Gabe - is moving out. Things are not okay there, but I am hoping he will learn to forgive me and maybe one day we can be friends again. It hurts, and I miss him dearly. I hope he finds himself and can be happy with whatever he chooses to do.

James will be moving in (for good) sometime in February, he basically lives here anyway. I think that maybe I can learn to make him happy and things will hopefully work out for us. I do like him; a lot. I just wish he liked me too. It hurts not knowing if I make him happy or not. He never talks to me about anything. I have no idea what he is feeling or thinking. I guess I don't really tell him either. I guess that's life.

One Big Drama

Big, big fight. Brodie and Cam hate Gabe's new boyfriend, Kevin. They are going to kick him out, and if he doesn't leave, they are calling the cops. I am actually very scared. Gabe is Freaking out, Brodie and Cam are pissed, and I'm stuck in the middle being torn to pieces and scared as hell. I have no idea what to do or say - No idea.

I hate this, I hate feeling like this.

One big Drama after another.

67% Skank

I'm a horrible person, I think.

Thursday

100% Trash

Thats how I feel right now.

Like trash. 

Let me explain:

I have a boyfriend. Now, normally this is not a bad thing, and it shouldn't make a person feel like trash, but it does. He treats me like a chore, like he doesn't really want to be with me, but he needs a place to stay. Fine. You know, I'm okay with that. Now, unfortunately, this would be much easier to deal with if we "broke up"; the problem there being that I do not WANT to break up with him. I like having someone around that I can cuddle with all night, every night. It makes me feel special.... It would make me feel more special if it meant something to him. Then maybe I wouldn't be in this position. This position being - Stuck wanting 3 different guys, who also want me. And in doing this - I am going to ruin everything. Everything I have with each one of these guys is going to disappear as soon as I do what I am planning on doing.

SoI guess I should explain what it is I had planned to do. I was going to... (am going to?) cheat on my boyfriend with a very sweet and charming man that I have no possible future with. Now, you may ask - Why would I do such a foolish thing, when what I have here is much more stable and It makes me feel almost good. Simple fact is this other man is VERY charming, and I can't help but think that maybe he would make a good owner, a good master. I am a pet, I enjoy it... my boyfriend doesn't quite realize or understand this mentality, and I can't blame him for that.

This could be easily solved by simply telling my boyfriend that I need a master and it has nothing to do with sex.... that it has nothing to do with one over the other and I still want him around, and I still like him. I am glad to have him, and I'd like him to stick around for a while... I am not sure he would be comfortable with another man dominating me and treating me like a pet. That is understandable. I don't think I would want him fucking some other chick then crawling into my bed after. To be honest now though - I think I could almost be okay with it. if, and only if, he stayed with her that night, and came back the next day.. or a couple days later. As long as he didn't go from her to me through the course of one day. 

This, however; brings me to the third guy. I had a fuck buddy relationship with him nearly three years ago. I moved to BC and he started dating someone... this was hard to deal with, and I didn't enjoy it when he told me, but I have gotten past that and I want him to remain a friend. He kind of fucked things up in that respect however.... He took me out for coffee, and then kissed me. I would have been fine, everything would be fine, but he told me that he still misses me, and GOD I miss him too... He was my gold medal, my heroin - I will forever remain addicted to the feelings he instilled in me. I want to wait for him, I want to hold onto the hope that we will find one another again and fall in love and be happy. It's a dream that I am finding harder and harder to believe in. 

Guy number three and guy number two are VERY good friends. This is why I am saying everything I have and everything I hope for will be ruined if I meet up with guy two like I had planned. I can not go from one to the other and think it will not change relationships all around. Hell, him breaking up with the girl he is with now could ruin friendships. and it's hard to think that I could be the reason for that. I do not want to ruin everything. 

But I will.... I have no self respect, and I think that is why I do this sort of shit. I have a lot of thinking to do. I want my boyfriend to stay around, but just as a fuck buddy friend that I can cuddle with at night and feel comfortable around. I want number two to hold me and make me feel special, and make me his pet. I want number three to dump his girlfriend and fall in love with me and finally start my future with a stable relationship.

You can see where the problems lie I'm sure. I have a lot of heavy thinking to do, I need to make my decision and stick with it. I need to figure out how to say what I want to say. I need to figure out who I want, and stay with him. I need to go back to the days of being mostly single so that I may feel free enough to figure this out without the over powering guilt.

I need to get my LIFE in order, and then deal with a relationship. I'm not ready for this situation I have forced myself into.