100% Trash

Thats how I feel right now.

Like trash. 

Let me explain:

I have a boyfriend. Now, normally this is not a bad thing, and it shouldn't make a person feel like trash, but it does. He treats me like a chore, like he doesn't really want to be with me, but he needs a place to stay. Fine. You know, I'm okay with that. Now, unfortunately, this would be much easier to deal with if we "broke up"; the problem there being that I do not WANT to break up with him. I like having someone around that I can cuddle with all night, every night. It makes me feel special.... It would make me feel more special if it meant something to him. Then maybe I wouldn't be in this position. This position being - Stuck wanting 3 different guys, who also want me. And in doing this - I am going to ruin everything. Everything I have with each one of these guys is going to disappear as soon as I do what I am planning on doing.

SoI guess I should explain what it is I had planned to do. I was going to... (am going to?) cheat on my boyfriend with a very sweet and charming man that I have no possible future with. Now, you may ask - Why would I do such a foolish thing, when what I have here is much more stable and It makes me feel almost good. Simple fact is this other man is VERY charming, and I can't help but think that maybe he would make a good owner, a good master. I am a pet, I enjoy it... my boyfriend doesn't quite realize or understand this mentality, and I can't blame him for that.

This could be easily solved by simply telling my boyfriend that I need a master and it has nothing to do with sex.... that it has nothing to do with one over the other and I still want him around, and I still like him. I am glad to have him, and I'd like him to stick around for a while... I am not sure he would be comfortable with another man dominating me and treating me like a pet. That is understandable. I don't think I would want him fucking some other chick then crawling into my bed after. To be honest now though - I think I could almost be okay with it. if, and only if, he stayed with her that night, and came back the next day.. or a couple days later. As long as he didn't go from her to me through the course of one day. 

This, however; brings me to the third guy. I had a fuck buddy relationship with him nearly three years ago. I moved to BC and he started dating someone... this was hard to deal with, and I didn't enjoy it when he told me, but I have gotten past that and I want him to remain a friend. He kind of fucked things up in that respect however.... He took me out for coffee, and then kissed me. I would have been fine, everything would be fine, but he told me that he still misses me, and GOD I miss him too... He was my gold medal, my heroin - I will forever remain addicted to the feelings he instilled in me. I want to wait for him, I want to hold onto the hope that we will find one another again and fall in love and be happy. It's a dream that I am finding harder and harder to believe in. 

Guy number three and guy number two are VERY good friends. This is why I am saying everything I have and everything I hope for will be ruined if I meet up with guy two like I had planned. I can not go from one to the other and think it will not change relationships all around. Hell, him breaking up with the girl he is with now could ruin friendships. and it's hard to think that I could be the reason for that. I do not want to ruin everything. 

But I will.... I have no self respect, and I think that is why I do this sort of shit. I have a lot of thinking to do. I want my boyfriend to stay around, but just as a fuck buddy friend that I can cuddle with at night and feel comfortable around. I want number two to hold me and make me feel special, and make me his pet. I want number three to dump his girlfriend and fall in love with me and finally start my future with a stable relationship.

You can see where the problems lie I'm sure. I have a lot of heavy thinking to do, I need to make my decision and stick with it. I need to figure out how to say what I want to say. I need to figure out who I want, and stay with him. I need to go back to the days of being mostly single so that I may feel free enough to figure this out without the over powering guilt.

I need to get my LIFE in order, and then deal with a relationship. I'm not ready for this situation I have forced myself into. 

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