I'm pissed at Cam, the least she could do is stop flaunting herself in front of my boyfriend (at the very least while I'm around). I think i mentioned this once before, but she told me that if she was straight, I would never have had a chance. She'd have been fucking him, long before I ever got a chance to meet him.
It's true too, I'm afraid. She's so pretty, awesome, cool without ever needing to try. One of those girls that everyone is attracted to. The more I hang out with her and Caryn, the shittier I feel about myself. I don't think friends are suposed to make you feel like that.
I miss the days when Ice cream could fix all my problems. I just want to break down and cry forever. There is so much pain, self loathing, and hate inside me that I can actually feel myself drowning under the weight of it all.
I can feel the sting form the pain in my legs from where I cut them. I missed it, I kind of love the feeling. I love the feeling more than I should. It's addicting. My vice. I miss the pain, sharp and throbbing all at once, the sound the blade makes when it cuts through skin. It's so perfect. It feels almost RIGHT. I always miss it after a long break from it.
Just one more cut.
I think I can relate to how drug addicts feel now.
James is gone for a bit, I should probably venture down and have a shower. Try to get clean. try to look pretty despite that I know HE won't say shit about it. Try to de-stress. Maybe take my knife.. maybe just another couple of cuts. Just a couple.
I've always wanted to cut in the shower. Seems almost romantic somehow... Kind of like cocain, high class, dirty and glamorous.
I love those feelings.
I love to get high.
I want to float away.
I want to overdose on Pain.