He doesn't care about me at all, all he cares about is his weed, videogames, CAM(!!), cigarettes, beer.... everything but me it seems, actually. I almost wish I had broken up with him in the beginning when I started feeling used, before things got this far. Now... now there seems to be no way out.
I guess I should explain a bit more.
Gabe has fully moved out. James and Owen are fully moving in. If he liked me, in the way I like him, this would be FUCKING AWESOME!... but he doesn't.
WE HAVN"T HAD SEX IN FUCKING MONTH! and I really don't think he has any desire to sleep with me at all any time soon. He doesn't think I'm good looking, or smart - all his compliments are saved for someone else (guess who).
I'm a SUP a PET and the things he is doing make me want to DIE. I wish I had enough balls to kill myself. ... Now more than ever before, sadly. I have never felt so unwanted, unloved. Not even Tynera made me feelthis bad about myself. and she treated me like SHIT. Maybe it was because she was never around, and James is ALWAYS around... and I get less attention form him than I did from her... He has no logical reason to ignore me as much as he does.
I would do anything for him. Everything he asks is done... and he won even CONCIDER coming to bed at the same time as me.
He hardly kisses me anymore.
We don't cuddle in bed.
I just want him to come upstairs and wrap his arms around me, kiss me, have sex with me, and fall asleep beside me. Why is that so hard? Why can't he do that ONE thing for me?
It's 4:00 am. I work at 9:00, so I need to be awake by 8:00. He knows that I will not be able to fall asleep until he comes to bed. I KNOWS I can't fall asleep without him... Yet, he is still downstairs watching Cam flaunt her chest around everywhere, smoking weed and playing fucking video games.
I should know better than to be surprised by any of this. I guess I'm not actually surprised by it, just hurt. Really hurt. I need to learn that no matter how hard I try, he will continue to hurt me like this, and as a pet, It is my job to learn to acept it. Then maybe I will be able to go to sleep an night and it might not hurt as badly.
I want to sleep.
I wish I could.
I wish James would just come the fuck upstairs but I am too scared to ask him.
I am afraid of the scorn, hate and rejection that I know will come off of him. In some ways, I would like to stay awake until he comes upstairs... wishful thinking that maybe it will make him feel bad. I almost swear that he does not have emotions. Well, not toward me anyway.
Work in 4 hours. I am going to try to sleep...
Pray that I don't kill myself over the course of it, because I'm almost afraid that I might.