Monday

The REASON why he is my Heroin

You!!! you you! look, I pulled snoop again and read your journal entry on "welcome to my nightmare". Giving a phonecall and talking would be more my style, but I imagine it'd be alot more akward for you and...well just not so swell. Anyway, maybe I'm making too big a deal of things, because I understand that when you write you are most likely not all that tranquil, but let me take it seriously and try not to get it all wrong.
I'm a primitive person, I can't think of concepts like 'future' without meeting many of invincible obstacles which I can only beat when I get there. I act on impulse, if there is nothing there, I do little, as when I'm intrigued, I'll move. I can't say what I will or won't do, and quite frankly I am not worth your trust. I don't "date" and I just may never will till I'm 'matured', but...to get around all that crap talk...

1: There is no real immediate problem we had handle currently is there? I mean, we can worry about tomorrow, or I can come over tonight and we can run off somewhere...'specially now when it's warm in day and not too cold at night.
2: Although I can't be trusted, I WILL BE HONEST, not the kind that keeps secrets, I keep things in best interests and I talk...a lot
3: It's completely natural to be clingy, although honestly you haven't been at all clingy with me so far. It's good to be scared, it means to me that you have a value on relationships you already have, it flatters me but please watch that it doesn't turn destructive, you can do everything on your own, on your own you can get anything you

want. But if you are lonely or you are in need, you can take me for a shoulder to lean, or a pillar of strength, I don't sleep so often at nights and I don't live with parents you can call late night, but...I have exams and I'm ditching out, I feel rough about that(it's all over tomorrow).
As for the drinking thing...I don't think I got a drinking problem, I know you are plagued by your mothers

everyday, so it only makes sense that you don't want to be around it. So I think I owe you an apology for leaving gross stale beer in your closet for almost a month. Also, like I don't like weed my buddies seem to not do that around me, I won't go and sit under the bridge and be drinking beers. Kinda disrespectful ya know? Before you can say "it doesn't bother me" well probly but i'm just going to anyway or whatever. Yeesh, I've gone on so long again? I'm real sorry it's kinda pathetic, as you don't tell things to me in person, you make up for in coherent writing. I feel sorry for you having to go through this probable long writing of crap, so i'ma try to slow down and make more sense here on. --->

Sometimes I get really weirded out late nights, my psyche is in disarray but I think things are slowly making more sense and I'm understanding myself more(I'm always talking about myself). Sometimes I just want to see people or significant others dissapointed in me or I want to see people angry, not so much angry but I can't find the word. I'm serious when I talk about hate being a great thing, because it is a great thing. I'm not going nuts tonight either! but despite my bullshit, you put up with me. I talked with larissa, one of my old girlfriends who hears stuff about/from me from time-to-time (she's still kinda close to me I just don't talk to her all that often, and incase you might think ahead, no...we aren't...like, that... I see her more as my sister, and I'm quite sure she see's me the same way).Anyway, she told me that it sounds like lately I've been settling down and that I should find a nice older girlfriend who'd take care of me. I told her about Marie baking me food and made a funny, but...the other night you lemme go in and eat your food, which was VERY nice, although I probably didn't express my appreciation at the time. Man I gotta stop, I could go all night and not make a single point. okay this time I'll try even harder to be concise. --->

"Dating" is such a big thing in our society, I think it's silly to vow on anything, because obligations and words...are just that, and they enslave people. I work in different ways. I've dated for over 3 years it's not the words or fear of her being angry with me that stopped me from cheating. Although my lust wants me to be free to experience the far-flung world and 'taste the forbidden fruits' it's not my choice to be thinking about the "love" she promised me in my old town, when I'm with some equally nice people. But after enough time, I've gotten used to this, i'm not complaining, i'm not in pain i don't want to see her again it's just, that. I kind of live like that now, I see you, I like you, a lot. I am not going to go off telling you every little thing I feel because, well I don't want to make things cheap like that. Or I don't want you to think I'm so attached. I try to keep it down. But when I go to a concert or I get hit on at univ, I don't try to avoid them, I don't go after them either, and they don't make me uncomfortable, but I don't really got a choice. I just don't feel interested in whoever, and nothing happens. That's just the way it's been. Last party this alyssa girl kept hitting me with this plastic cane, but i was like whatever. then later i was hangin out in someone's room when this same chick came and pushed me onto the bed. (k here's the better part) I got up, took the cane and hit her on the back of the calf moderately hard, called her a whore, and was out of the room. You mighta heard this story or you might have not, I tend to repeat but I don't think i said it yet. Yeah it was kinda mean and my buddies were kinda like..."wha?" and maybe I shulda been less...vulgar, I mean...I did have "fuck me" on my chest, soooo yeah. But that's the kinda bastard I am. But anyway.

Maybe I don't like dating because it implies things, you expect things. Don't expect anything from me other than honesty, and that I'll come when you call me, (unless it's like bullshit like I'm at work and you can't find the

remote control or whatever the fuck could happen). Then again, I know you go out to the underground, and you got dudes out there who CAN dance, unlike me, and hey, it's good to dance. Don't picture me standing there shaking my head like "no" cuz i'd want you to have fun. I don't want you to feel obligated, or trapped. yet there are times when I start noticing I'm 'going under' and realise I ain't getting out of your bed until I have to go to work. I figure I just don't want to give everything to you, lose control, because if I did see you everyday, and I did call you like 11:30pm wenesday nights all the time for no reason. I probly would fall in and i'd wakeup someday who knows how far long later and live in a trailor with like eight kids and the tv would be on of like re-runs of jerry springer and I'd be horridly obese and wearin' a dirty white tanktop yelling at my kid Jeffery-

bedford about bringin me the remote and to change his brothers diaper. Maybe I'm just afraid of getting serious because I know I'd fuck things up again. But like you said, maybe making a mistake would be nice. But I don't got no intentions of me becoming one of your mistakes. you probly didn't even mean it that way but it almost makes sense to me, just kinda kick it sometimes and see what comes out. well I'm going to stop writing thoughts as they come, since i WILL go on soooo fucking much by the time you finish you just won't care anymore. Maybe i'll reply in short bursts that make more sense...yeah.

As for your grad, I won't be upset if you find someone other than me to bring to grad. It's YOUR grad, not mine. Just try to have alot of fun, if you take someone else, I'll just imagine they either have alot better fashion sense than me, or they know how to dance better, OR, the remote chance that they might somehow, or some miraculous way, have wooed you. No seriously, I understand I'm not the only person in town, and there are many people you have history with/whatever. Just have fun.

Dating, remember a ways back? you said you didn't want to date me. I remember then, I was like, "so if I asked you out you'd say no?" sorry to bring it up but fooling around is a good thing. I'm glad you are like that, it's good. I'm also just glad to know you. You are a fun person to be around and i've spent many of hours just doing nothing, staring at you in the face, the most boring of all things people could do, and be happy. You're very cute how you hide your face or how your cheeks get really firm when you smile big. K, enuf of that flowery crap, I just read the above and almost deleted it, but I rarely delete what I write. I probly should, like this right now but anyway.

Go to BC! I will miss you be sure. But don't hold back! I don't want to sound like a hippee but "let your spirt free" just do whatever you want. If you are curious about other men there, well, I can't stop you, I don't neccisarily encourage...obviously, but just be free. If anything happens, well, maybe you couldn't be honest with me, maybe I'd never know, most likely I wouldn't know if...BUT! I'd hope that you would at least know whats out there, and in knowing that, you may not be interested in me anymore, or you may feel compelled to tell me about it, maybe it'd make things stronger. Or maybe nothing would happen in the first place because, well, I imagine you might feel as I do and it just couldn't work. That is all negative thinking really. But i'm overconfident, maybe it's a good thing for me to think about. whatever. As for me "setting eyes on someone else", you shouldn't worry. Although it's probly totally natural I suppose. Just because I might not talk to you like all that much a week, it's not that I'm out tramping around, it's not that I'm overbusy. It's more like I just get a phonecall or msn'd by friends, and i'm out like that. I usually try *not to* call you most nights, because well, maybe I'd get annoying or maybe I know it's not good for me. I really don't want to have a girlfriend worry about me, or to worry about her, and all those negative aspects that come from it, but sometimes I can't really escape it anyway. Maybe I'll just give in eventually and like pull myself from my metaphysical "relationship cemetary", and chain myself to you somewhere's else. Maybe I'm a little mentally unstable? Maybe I'm kind of scary? well i get scared sometimes too. Maybe I'm a coward too. Maybe that's why I like my primitive "do what feels good now, don't worry 'bout the future". Going to BC could be a mistake, but just do it if you aren't happy here. Seein' cuts on you well, it probly doesn't help telling you but it uh, it pretty much hurts me to see it. If you were to vanish off one day, just gone, like somewhere else BC or whatever, like you told me you were going and that was it, I don't wanna creep you out too much but, that'd oh so very much greatly suck, I may just chase after you for awhile.

Yeesh, I oughta just stop, maybe words i really can't get my points across unless I'm in person, body language, you know. maybe I won't ever be able to communicate unless one of us learns to put coherent sentances together. I'm trying I am, but for the life of me I can't put my thoughts/ideas into words it's pathetic and aggravating. Don't be afraid to gimmie a call sometime or to just tell me whatever, I talk about "stupid things" all the time. and i'm not all that much emotional I'm not going to snap on you for saying something that would offend me. I don't think of you unintelligent either, I like it when you talk to me. Even if it's just about whatever that I don't understand, that I can pretend to understand but you look at me and know I know so little.

K I know i'm fault ridden, you might feel as if some things are wrong or going wrong. But if you think of the now, just talk to me, if you can, I was just trying to bore you with the guitar after awhile, I didn't even really care to play besides testing you. By time you wore me out, you were like :| from being tired,(is that smiley going to work?). Pretty juvenile eh? but, just gimmie a call or drop a message, I can think of better things than laying in bed all day, although it's still cool. Something simple like hangin' out at the bridge is nice too, but whatever. If I'm too boring forgive me, sometimes I just feel sluggish. You aren't difficult, it's ME! That is obvious. If you insist that I'm worth more than being a friend, know that I'm not worth it, I make a horrible boyfriend. But whatever you ask of me, whatever you need, if you can pinpoint it. If I can do it, just ask it of me. If you can write it down, then write it, I'd prefer hearing it from you. Sometimes I'm left with a feeling like my shoelaces are untied and something needs to be said, maybe that's why I go on. But really, you can joke and say, "cheesecake" that's easy, but sometimes it seems there is something else that you really want from me.

Brady Cline, Brady Cline, Brady Cline, Brady CLine, Brady Cline!

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