So Maybe I'm Crazy Buuutt....

Just.. try .. one day try it! because it's the best feeling in the world... Well I think so anyway...

1. Get a really old, B&W horror movie - one of the ones with like... really loud screams and TONS of overacting - turn the volume down low enough so that all you really hear are the screams.

2. Get some candles, put them everywhere (that won't start a fire)

3. Find some AWESOME classical/instrumental music and turn it on so you can still hear the movie screams faintly.

4. If you don't have to pay or water in your place - Turn on a shower or sink .. some sort of water for more weird background noise

5. Make a blanket nest.

6. get buzzed or half cut or something

7. Just chill out! and listen to the music and watch the creepy movie ^_^

It feeels sooo good.

best way to de-stress.

It Shouldn't Be This Hard

So I was supposed to go on a sorts date today thing... with a guy that seemed really nice. I was happy, got ready, and waited... and waited... and - he said if he doesn't call me, I should call him cuz he might forget, he's had a lot of shit to do lately with recording an album and doing a buncha editing and that sort of thing.

That's fine. I can understand.

8:00 comes around, I haven't heard from him, so I give him a call... no answer.

I can't really be mad. And I'm not... I'm just frustrated.

I'm used to fairly attentive guys. Brodie, Brandon, hell even James... they were just always THERE for me. if I wanted a hug, or someone to talk to... or if It was 3:00 in the morning and I needed a cheesecake and coffee fix, anything. It was just... there...

And now it seems I've been... I dunno. Am I just, really unattractive? Do I have a really aweful personality? Not funny? Not smiling enough? Not smart enough? Not MetaL enough?? What is it?

(Seriously, if your reading this - please tell me what I'm doing wrong... cuz I dunno anymore)

It just SUCKS! I'm finally at a point in my life where I know what I want. I want a relationship. something fun but serious. A long term sorta thing... Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong... I don't know anymore.

This just, It sucks so bad. I want a relationship so bad, just, a companion, someone to be there with. someone to hug and hold and talk to, someone to laugh at really bad movies with.

Why is that so sooo hard to find?


I'm really depressed now. I don't know why guys don't like me.

What kind of vibes do I send out?

Whats wrong with me?

Why cant I be the pretty, smart, funny girl that all those people I want seem to want? I can't count how many times I guy I like has gone for my friends, or roommates after they meet them. or like I'm the thing they take because they couldn't have that person.

It feels like I'm always in second place. maybe I'm the last place bronze medal or something... hell not even that. I'm like the consolation prize because they didn't win any of the ones the wanted.

*sigh* I hate myself right now.
I went to a basement metal show last night. Autaric... A band my friend Owen plays in. It was awesome. As I stood there, in a room filled with smoke, long haired metal heads, beer, and Loud fucking music I smiled. That Is where I want to spend my life.

In a small, cramped, smoky, loud basement filled with MY PEOPLE.

It's come to my attention, slowly, over a vast number of days that I am no longer the little goth girl I used to be. I am a metal head. I like the people. The atmosphere. THE MUSIC! The people... god how I love the people.

I have never felt more comfortable in a room of people I don't know. My one connection to the entire thing was standing up playing some of the most wicked guitar riffs I've ever seen, screaming out lyrics and ... just... not caring. and DRUNK, god was he drunk.

But it was good! He was good!

That is where I belong.

I don't know how many times I've told people I simply aspire to BE... I don't want to be SOMEONE I want to be myself. I just want to live and let the music and the scene and the people engulf me. I grew up around hard music. Rough people. Dark, dank little bars and trashy parties. and I LOVE it.

Does that make me white trash?

If it does... do I care?

Should I?

Should anyone?

The energy.... when you see those guys on stage in a tiny little bar, or a basement and everyone's giving it their all because it's part of them. It's part of who they are and you can just FEEL it. Like a wave that washes over you a thousand times. You can feel the wind from the mosh-pit and everyone headbanging and hair is everywhere.

We probably all smell like sweat and booze and cigarette smoke, and we look like hell, but it's great! We don't judge each other. We all look the same. and nobody understands the fucking lyrics anyway so we all just scream and clap and cheer and have a good time and LIVE!

This is where I want to spend the rest of my life.

This is who I am.

In a dark, dingy, empty basement; save for a guitar and speakers, hanging out with friends, meeting new friends and listening to good heavy music.