Friday

I went to a basement metal show last night. Autaric... A band my friend Owen plays in. It was awesome. As I stood there, in a room filled with smoke, long haired metal heads, beer, and Loud fucking music I smiled. That Is where I want to spend my life.

In a small, cramped, smoky, loud basement filled with MY PEOPLE.

It's come to my attention, slowly, over a vast number of days that I am no longer the little goth girl I used to be. I am a metal head. I like the people. The atmosphere. THE MUSIC! The people... god how I love the people.

I have never felt more comfortable in a room of people I don't know. My one connection to the entire thing was standing up playing some of the most wicked guitar riffs I've ever seen, screaming out lyrics and ... just... not caring. and DRUNK, god was he drunk.

But it was good! He was good!

That is where I belong.

I don't know how many times I've told people I simply aspire to BE... I don't want to be SOMEONE I want to be myself. I just want to live and let the music and the scene and the people engulf me. I grew up around hard music. Rough people. Dark, dank little bars and trashy parties. and I LOVE it.

Does that make me white trash?

If it does... do I care?

Should I?

Should anyone?

The energy.... when you see those guys on stage in a tiny little bar, or a basement and everyone's giving it their all because it's part of them. It's part of who they are and you can just FEEL it. Like a wave that washes over you a thousand times. You can feel the wind from the mosh-pit and everyone headbanging and hair is everywhere.

We probably all smell like sweat and booze and cigarette smoke, and we look like hell, but it's great! We don't judge each other. We all look the same. and nobody understands the fucking lyrics anyway so we all just scream and clap and cheer and have a good time and LIVE!

This is where I want to spend the rest of my life.

This is who I am.

In a dark, dingy, empty basement; save for a guitar and speakers, hanging out with friends, meeting new friends and listening to good heavy music.