Thursday

Whatever

Part of me is curious as to why my roommate is so damn pissed off... The other part of me thinks she's moody enough as it is, and I really don't fucking care anymore.

Saturday

For the last few months I have slowly come to the realization that I desperatly want to get married and have kids and own a house.

This is NOT okay with me.

I never wanted to get maried nor did i ever plan on having children. My life goal was to be a proffisional homeless person and live on the streets of Vancouver and possably make documentries and inject herion. This was my LIFE GOAL! Life goal... yeah, trust me, I know it's patetic and insane.

But now I'm like "JOB! BOYFRIEND! WANT KIDS! NEED A GOOD HOUSE! NO DRUGS! DRUGS ARE BAD!"

And I can assure you I've never done herion, or really any drug for that matter and I'm not entirely sure where my obsession for herion came from though personally I'm going to blame Nikki Sixx and his stupid book which I've read 30 times and still don't get tired of.

Fuck you Nikki Sixx.

Anyway - I did have a thought process here..

Oh yeah - Kids and marrage. I don't even have a boyfriend... I don't particularly even want a boyfriend. I just want to get married and be done with it and have kids and get divorced and be awesome because I'm a woman I can raise my god dammed kids on my fucking OWN! like an ADULT! YEA!

I dunno.

I'm done now.

I just needed to let the world know that my life goal has changed from being a homeless herion addict to actually being something productive with childs.

PRAISE ME!

<3

Monday

Feels Bad

So I've been sitting here for the last couple days thinking. See, everybody has their "thing" that one awesome thing they're really good at and really passionate about. I .. I don't have that "thing". I don't know what my "thing" is... and it's bothering me.

See, I concider myself to be an okay artist, a somewhat good writer, and okay photographer. But I can't say I have anything to call my own.

My roommate is GREAT when it comes to computers and videogames. My brother is Awesome at tech support/computers/gaming; Anything that has to do with technology really. My friends, all of them, have a thing that they are known for be that Cars or accents or photography. Insane knowledge about the occult, music, tv series. Whatever.

I have NOTHING that I'm actually REALLY passionate about. Nothing that I'm really good at and it's starting to bother me. When it comes right down to it... I'm basicly nobody.

Feels bad man.

I'd really like to find my "thing"...

Thursday

Harley David Quinn

This is Harley - the newest addition to our house.

She was living behind mom's house for about two weeks when it started getting cold, so when nobody came to pick her up, she called me and my roommate.

Huzzah - Kitteh!

Many loves.

Wednesday

Funky Cat Maybe ..?

So my mother is going back to the hospital today... I hope they find whatever is killing her.

Five years -- FIVE YEARS -- of fucking doctors visits and they can't figure it out. On the plus side she has grounds for a lawsuit on her las doctor who simply put her on anti-depressents and said "It's all in your head".

All I know is that with the amount of pain she's in she doesn't even get out of bed anymore. Feels bad, man... I don't want my mom to die. I mean - she's not even 50 yet. This sucks.

My uncle went into the doctor the other day too, They found something on his lung. I'm fucking tired of the people I love dying off.

Tysene
Natasha
Grandma n Grandpa B.
Grandma and Grandpa C.

Sorry this post is so depressing, I just fucking hate everything today.

The roommate and I were talking last night, about being kids and playing and how all you want to do when you're little is grow up. I don't want to grow up anymore. I don't want to have to watch my parents get old and die. I mean, What do I have left once they're gone?

I have a whole total of about 3 friends left in this city. Maybe I will just run away with Angel when she goes. Maybe I'll start new like I did when I moved to BC.

but I LIKE living here.

I like our metal bar.

I like Sailor Dan and Guitar Man Matt and Homeless Steve

Fuck It.

Here's a cute Video.



^_^ I love it heh

Tuesday

Let Me Vent

1. My iTunes no longer works with my ipod, in that my ipod no longer syncs or is even noticed by iTunes. Fuck you apple.

2. Bought a new camera, does not come with SD card. Fuck you Polaroid.

3. My ex messaged me again. Fuck you too.

4. Work called me off, I made zero money today. Fuck you boss.

5. My cat just groped my roommates boob.
7. I love you too ghostie baby *love*

Monday

Tattoo?

Crow -- Plan on getting it on my back...
Text I plan on getting on my side
Spider Jerusalem (Transmetropolitan) Probably on the back of my leg

Anyway... my question to you is... Which one should I spend my hard earned moneys on first??

Friday

Filth Hi

the yellowish greedy bugs are my frustrated sympathizers
the rotten apple in my gastric juices.
won't you try some of the soup of sexual desire
The dripping pink maggots soaked in the Formaldhyde of Sadistic Desire
The rotten strawberry down in there
A sour marinee prepared with blood
~ Dir En Grey

So I was snooping through some of my old blogs/journals/websites... and came across a bunch of pictures from Highschool. It was pretty crazy to see after all these years. I don't talk to half those people anymore... Hell, I don't talk to any of those people anymore. Forgot about a bunch of em.

I realize this post is kind of pointless to some of you who read the blog, but still - just wow, looking back and seeing how much I've changed since then. I went from Baby-goth, to fake wanna-be Raver chik, to Prep and metal head and everything else in between and it's just strange to look back and be like "Why the fuck did I think that looked good!?"

I thought I knew everything back then, I though I had my whole life planned out! I was going to own a coffee shop in Singapore and teach english. And now... now i'm still in my same little city, hanging out at the same dingy metal/rock bar with the same coke freaks and druggies that have always been there.

Surprisingly... I'm content with my life though. Right now - sitting in a gross bar with gross people drinking overpriced beer and rum, listening to metal and Industrial Music is exactly where I want to be. I'm not so sure my parents are proud.

"My folks don't know I live this way
and I'm scared to say, but
This might be my life"
~Pop Debris

I'm SURE some of you (all of you) have changed since your highschool years. And I can't be the only one who's content with being what society conciders to be a 'failure'...

Thursday

Old Cartoons

The roomie went out on a date, so It's just me and The kitten, Harley, Tonight and I though whats better that watching a movie or good cartoon When I found this little Gem saved on a disk my brother sent me a few years back...



Now THIS was a damn good, creepy, fucking cartoon! Someone else has got to remember this.

Pop Debris

Fairly unknown band that I really like --- Pop Debris

http://www.ilike.com/artist/search?artist_qp=Pop+Debris&x=0&y=0

You Ain't From Around Here Lyrics

The Rain Held Off
but I Think Its Coming Now
and You Came To Try
and Pull Me From This Place Where I Fell Down
just Hear Me Out
before You Waste Your Time And My Time Too
movement Starts To Hurt
there Ain't Nothing You Can Do

cause You Ain't From Around Here
what Do You Know Of Sin?
i Was Broken When You Found Me
and Nothings Changed Since Then
but You Ain't From Around Here
don't Come Back Again

just Close Your Eyes
and Click Your Heels For Me
think Of All The Tears
you'll Get To Cry On National Tv
now Take Off Your Clothes And Be Of Use Or Leave And Let Me Be
movement Starts To Hurt
there Ain't No Such Thing As Free

cause You Ain't From Around Here
what Do You Know Of Sin?
i Was Broken When You Found Me
and Nothings Changed Since Then
but You Ain't From Around Here
don't Come Back Again

cause You Ain't From Around Here
what Do You Know Of Sin?
i Was Broken When You Found Me
and Nothings Changed Since Then
but You Ain't From Around Here
don't Come Back Again


http://www.ilike.com/artist/search?artist_qp=Pop+Debris&x=0&y=0

Give em a listen - you just might like it!

and on one occasion had 40 pizzas delivered to her home anonymously.

Thought this might be something a couple of you might find interesting...

Cyberstalking is to be treated far more seriously after new guidance was unveiled by the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS).

Over a million women and 900,000 men are stalked in the UK every year, according to the British Crime Survey.

But this figure may omit thousands harassed online, through e-mail or on social networking sites like Facebook.

MEP Liz Lynne has called on the EU for tougher legislation to ensure European-wide standards on tackling stalking.

The CPS's community liaison director, Nazir Afzal, said the new guidance to prosecutors was the first time stalking - and cyberstalking in particular - had been officially recognised.

'Fear and trepidation'

Mr Afzal said: "Stalkers steal lives, that was the message I picked up from speaking to victims. Victims stop trusting those they know and every stranger is seen as a threat.

"People often can't answer the phone, receive texts or go to a familiar place without fear and trepidation. We want to give people their lives back."

WHAT IS CYBERSTALKING?

  • Communicating with the victim by email
  • Damaging the victim's reputation online
  • Identity theft
  • Using the internet for surveillance of the victim
  • Tricking other internet users into harassing or threatening the victim

Ms Lynne, MEP for the West Midlands, said: "The crime of cyberstalking has exploded across Europe with the growth of the internet and social networking sites.

"It is not just celebrities who attract stalkers, nor is it just something that affects teenagers."

The Network for Surviving Stalking is launching a survey on Friday in an attempt to find out how many people have been stalked or harassed online and what sort of experiences they faced.

Mr Afzal said individually some actions - such as sending persistent e-mails - would not be sufficient to be described as cyberstalking, but evidence of a sustained campaign should be seen in the context of the "bigger picture".

He said the number of prosecutions of stalkers was only in the hundreds.

Mr Afzal said: "We know we should have done better at this in the past. We need those affected by this crime to know that we have listened carefully to concerns raised by victims and stalking support groups, and we recognise how serious and distressing this behaviour can be."

He gave an example of one case - which is currently under investigation - in which a woman was stalked by a man purporting to be the late serial killer Harold Shipman.

Mr Afzal said the man had falsely claimed in an internet forum that the woman's husband was a paedophile - causing him such distress that he had two strokes - and on one occasion had 40 pizzas delivered to her home anonymously.

Alexis Bowater, chief executive for the Network for Surviving Stalking, welcomed the new guidelines.

She said: "This will go a long way to improving the lives of victims and to making sure that perpetrators are treated appropriately by the courts. Recognising, in particular, new forms of stalking such as cyberstalking is ground breaking."


Wednesday

Isn't it Funny

Isn't it funny how Hello
Is allways accompanied with Goodbye
It's funny how Good memories
Can start to make you Cry
It's funny how Forever
Never seems to really Last
It's funny how much you'd lose
If you Forgot about your Past
It's Funny how "friends"
Can just Leave you when your Down
It's funny how when you need someone
They're never around...
It's funny how people change
and think they're So Much Better
It's funny how so many lies
can be packed into One Love Letter
It's funny how people forgive
When they can Never Forget
It's funny how One Night
Can contain so Much Regret
It's funny how Ironic life turn out to Be
But the funniest part of all
is how none of that
Is Funny to me.

~~ Author Unknown

Fossils of new species

Scientists have unearthed two new species of giant plant-eating horned dinosaurs in southern Utah, US.

The creatures lived on the "lost continent" of Laramidia in the Late Cretaceous period, some 68 to 99 million years ago.

Laramidia was formed when a shallow sea flooded part of what is now North America and separated the eastern from the western parts.

The findings were published in the journal PLoS ONE.

The newly found dinos lived in the subtropical swampy environment about 100km from the seaway that split the ancient continent in two.

They were close relatives of the dinosaur Triceratops, and belonged to the family known as ceratopsians. "Ceratops" means "horned face" in Greek.


READ THE FULL STORY HERE::: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-11390944

Now this next comment could get me into trouble - however;

I've heard some people of a certain religion saying that Dionosours do not exist, never existed, and 'God' put the bones there to test their fate.

Comments on that? Personally - I think bullshit. If your that nieve, shoot yourself. I don't say this simply because of my disbeleif in god, but because you'd have to be an idiot to think that we have been the only living lifeforms on the planet. I mean, really -- c'mon people.

Anyway, I'm going to sign out before I get in too much trouble. but yeah - tell me your opinion on that one.

Katt Williams

Just read a blog that reminded me of this Vid!



Katt Williams is absolute pure love.

The Day

Spent the day doing absolutly NOTHING (!!) Went to the doc hoping I had Cancer or HIV or something - no such luck. Still not dying. Just lazy and kind of useless. Stayed home from work again because of Migranes and stomach pain that are honestly probably caused by myself for no particular reason.

woke up at two o'clock read, blogged, make tea and coffee and havn't moved from my computer since, save to go onto the deck while my roommate had a smoke. It's really kind of sad.

I don't have a choice but to go to work tomorrow, which sucks, but it's worth it, I guess - maybe. I dunno. Need the money, so yeah It's worth it.

anyway, I don't really feel like complaining and being moody and bitchy and sad - So I'ma end this here, but I'll probably post again before the night is through as there really is nothing else for me to do today but look at blogs and news and shit so...

yeah

Peace <3

Something Interesting

Spray on Clothing anyone?

http://www.toxel.com/tech/2010/09/17/spray-on-clothing/

What an odd concept eh?

I found it kind of cool though. A thing of the future indeed... though a bit confusing, and from what I've read, woman you best be wearing a bra if you want to use this or... well Lets just the spray of fibres is quite cold when it come out of the can, and that could be rather embarrasing.

Also, I have a feeling skirts and dresses could be a bit hard to make.

>.>

Tuesday

Bash.Org

think of the children!
oh gimme a break, I've spent *hours* today thinking of the children, my wrist is too sore to do it any longer

---

lemonlimeskull: One guy keeps following me from chat room to chat room begging to blow me because he found out I live about a half hour away.
lemonlimeskull: Other guy wants to fight me IRL because I posted on a forum that his local band sucks ass.
lemonlimeskull: I'm going to agree to meet the two of them - same location at the same time.
lemonlimeskull: I won't show up, of course - tomorrow one guy will be in the hospital or the other one will be a lot more mellow.
lemonlimeskull: Will keep you posted.

---

JxJ: im sleepy and I need something to pick me up, what should I drink?
GCa: Well, a can of coke has about 45 mg of caffeine. A shot, about 90. 8oz drip coffee 180-220. Ice coffee ~250+.
GCa: These are estimates, btw
GCa: My ultimate pick-me-up drink was an iced venti coffee with no ice, add two-three shots, a couple pumps of syrup and top it with cream
GCa: Then I would slam it... INSANE amounts of caffeine
GCa: Approx 16oz (you can get 32oz now) of iced coffee (500mg)+3 shots (270mg)= 770 mg of caffeine, or the equivalent of 17 cans of coke at once
GCa: I used to pull up allnighters on that stuff just to ace finals. never failed anything.
Dorne: shit, at that point caffeine is basically coke
GCa: Don't try to drive while on that.
JxJ: what the hell was your major?
GCa: english

---

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

---

Curt teh Juggler: our graduation ceremony was today, and right when some gamer nerd got his diploma, someone in the audience played the zelda "get item" music and he did the zelda spin-hold-out-item stance
Curt teh Juggler: it was quite possibly the most amazing thing ever.

Yet another Quiz

Your Name?
Twiggy

Twiggy is a goddess. Twiggy is the leader of all that is cool and will be cool. Twiggy is famous for no reason. Don't ask no questions. Do not defy twiggy, or you'll get fuckered up. Thanks.


Your Age?
22
The age after 21 where you realize you still have another 3 years to get your shit together

Your Best Friend?
Britney
A poor or negligent parent. (sorry brit)

Angel
The girl who makes your heart jump when she enters the room.
The girl who breaks it as she leaves.

The girl you'll need for a long time, wherever you go.

What should You be Doing?
Cleaning
The act of shoving everything in a closet and calling it decent.

Your favorite Color?
Black
1.Darkness, a dark colour, the colour of this text is black. 2.A race - The black race can range from African american to polynesian.

Your Birthplace?
Saskatoon
Saskatoon is the largest city in Saskatchewan, it is located roughly in the middle of the province. It only has approximately 215,000 people which makes it rather small compared to other Canadian cities. However, it is not the capitol city that goes to Regina which is located 2 hours south. Saskatoon is a city divided between east side(middle class) and west side(ghetto). The city is home to the University of Saskatchewan. It is a relatively good place to live i.e. not too small not too big. Temperatures range from -30c to +30c so the weather can be extreme.

If you ever find yourself in Saskatoon be careful of the police they are known to drop people off outside city limits where you might just freeze to death, if it is winter.


Month of Your Birthday?
November
The month in which the most babies are born. And which, by chance, is exactly nine months after February.

Last Person You talked To?
Britney...

Your Nickname?
Brady
A handsome yet conflicted sole, on the brink of panic at all times. A ladies man with no game. Lives for the party, but is not the life of the party.

And another Quiz

00. First off, what is your name?
Twiggy Karyl Stanton

99. Why were you named that?
Not Really sure, Ask my parents

98. Who is your best friend?
Britney or Angel <3 Many loves to them both. They are always there for me no matter what!

97. Do you have any siblings?
I do - My brother Dylan and Angel is like my sister <3 forever forever

96. Are your parents together/divorced/separated?
Divorced and re-maried (yay I have 4 parents)

95. Favorite color?
Black and Neon green

94. Who is your favorite NFL team?
Roughriders (only because I live in Sask... yeah I know they suck)

91. Who sits behind you in 2nd period?
Graduated Bitches!!!

90. Who sits to the left?
... GRADUATED BITCHES!!!!

89. Where is your mom right now?
At her house, probably in bed, or making coffee for her and my step dad. or amybe watching TV. Yeah - her morning schedual is always the same... OR no - WAIT - she's at the doctor this morning...

88. Do you have any kids?
Nope, thankfully.

87. Who is the 5th person you got a missed call from?
I do not own a telephone of any sort at all at the moment.

86. Closest black object?
My desk/clothing

85. Closest silver object?
The ring on my finger or the change on my desk lol

84. Have you ever jumped a fence running from a cop?
Not yet...

83. Do you sing in the shower?
hahah no, our walls are really thin. I don't want anyone to hear my awful singing hahaha

82. Do you have any pets?
A snake, Heroin, and a cat, Harley David Quinn

81. How does your hair look right now?
Mess unkempt, black, short in the back, long in front, bangs.

80. Last time you listened to country music?
Ermmm.... no idea.

78. If you could kill someone, who would it be?
You, maybe?

77. What are your fears?
Ghosties, being left behind, being forgotten, another one of my friends killing themselves, loosing my Mom to whatever disease it is she has that the doctors keep not finding. :(

76. Do you still pee your pants?
Uhm... eww...

75. What do you hear right now?
Melody sleeping on our couch, my typing, cars outside.

74. How many drugs are in your system right now?
Tylenol and Antianxiety pills.

73. What kind of drunk are you?
Happy, bubbly, confident

72. What are you wearing?
Black bunnyhug, t-shirt, black baggy pants, black socks... black black black

71. Last person you commented?
Ermm... fucked if I know? I don't keep track of that shit.

70. Do you sing?
hahaha Sadly, yes. I'm in a 'Band' Gnomedelic.... we suck, we really really suck.

69. Single or Taken?
Single, fairly happy about it. Last guy I dated I found to be married so....

68. Screamo or Country?
Screamo I guess

67. Rock or Rap?
Rock for sure, but some Rap is Okay

66. chocolate or vanilla?
Chocolate as a general rule...

65. who did you last call?
no-one.. No phone, remember...

64. Who last called you?
..................

63. What jewelry do you wear daily?
A ring my mom's ex boyfriend found on the floor of The Wash and Slosh. Been wearing it everyday for the last like.. seven years. Never taking it off, ever.

62. Are you happy right now?
Happy? not sure... content, yes.

61. Who was the last person you said I love you to?
Britney, when we were outside. I say I love you to all my friends, all the time. They mean the world to me.

60. Would you die for someone?
Absolutly!

59. If so, who?
My brother, my family, Angel and Britney. I wouldn't even think about it.

57. Are you cold right now?
Naw, it's pretty warm in our house today.

58. What do you smell right now?
Coffee and cigarette smoke... kinda gross mixture. The coffee smells good though.

56. Do you have to pee right now?
Nope, just went :P

55. What did you do last night?
Hung out at the Big Brown Beast with Nylan, Angel, Brodie, Amanda and Mike... or Mark... or some M name. Was a good time. Angel just moved in there. Pretty good deal - they are all awesome people.

54. What are you doing tommorow?
Working, sadly. But Meh...

53. If an ex asked you back out, would you say yes?
... I'm not really sure.

52. Do you pick your nose?
sometimes if I can't breath and theres nothing to blow my nose with.

51. Do you cuss?
Fuck You

50. Bedsheet color?
Black

49. Wall color?
White

48. Carpet or wood in your room?
Grey Carpet

47. Do you cut your own veggies?
. wtf? uhmm... yeah?

46. Wildest rumor you've ever heard about yourself?
Toooooo many.

45. Do you have makeup on right now?
Nope, don't usually put makeup on unless Im going out.

43. Are you shy?
Sometimes, depends on my mood and who I'm with. I'm getting better at not being shy though.

41. Can u do a cartwheel?
hahahah not even a little bit.

40. Favorite ice cream?
Cherry!!! or Bubblegum!! or NO Wait TIGER TIGER! that shit's the best!

39. Ever gone a whole day without eating?
Yeah, it happens.

38. America or Canada?
Canada Eh

37. What makes u mad?
People

36. What if you found out you were adopted?
Meh...

35. Jeans or Sweatpants?
I'm getting really bored of this quiz thing. I'm gonna stop now.

Somwtimes life hands you $100 and five shots of Whiskey

Okay, so maybe that wasn't life that handed me the $100, that was Wal-Mart, but I had basicly written that money off because I never thought I would actually be getting it. The Whiskey on the oter hand...

Well, I was waiting for my bus the other day, standing out in the cold and rain and wind when out of no-where this chika comes up to the bus stop and starts harassing people. Whatever, I just turned away because she was kinda cute and looked like "one of us" so by all means chika, harass whoever you want.

She must have seen me turn away because all of a sudden she's standing behind me, "Well you're just a bitch, eh?" and she kinda giggles so I turn back around and start laughing like wtf? and she hands me a two litre and goes "It's straight whiskey, don't make me drink alone."

So whatever, fine, a couple shot's of whiskey before work isn't going to hurt. and we get to talking and apperantly she's a waitress at the irish pub not to far from my house. Well - that is indeed and exciting prospect. a couple more shots before the bus comes and I'm on my way to work.

All in all it was a good morning of harassing bus stop people, meeting cute chika's and drinking whiskey and getting money.

Now I need to find someone to go to Dublins with me so I can try to get her number.

Wish me lucks. ;)

Friday

I'm still bored, there is still nothing to do. So this is my third blog post today and none of it has been even remotly interesting or important.

Joi

Thinking of playing Sims 3 for a while, but I dunno. Watched Alice in Wonderland for the first time today. It was really good! I rather enjoyed it. Maybe I'll escape to my room and watch another movie? Probably not.

The dishwasher is almost finished which means it's almost time for me to cook supper for the roomie and I.

Mmmmm PASTAGETTI with butter and salt :)

Neo-Karma

Homesick Abortion

This is an excerpt from one of my favorite stories of all time...

hope you enjoy it as much as I do hahahah ..


I think I'm probaby going hell, aren't I?


Once, I was asked if I believed in karma. It was by some chick I had just been telling that her parents had gotten a divorce because of her stupidity. She was crying when she asked it, and told me I was going to get reborn as a grub and then struck by lightning. She then ran away before letting me answer.

Of course I believe in karma. In fact, I'm a very intricate part of the system: I like to deal out some karma myself. Or at least neo-karma – people now-a-days have no patience for old-fashioned karma where you had to get reborn and shit like that. Neo-karma is all about speed. No one doesn't deserve what I do or say to them. You were a fucking bitch in high school and cheated on your boyfriend. Thirty years later, your son gets in a car accident and dies. You visit his roadside grave every week to appease your own guilt while at the same time planning to adopt some kid from Pakistan. One day you visit the grave and there's this picture of a burning stranger and stomped on flowers. Expensive flowers. And say you're a horrible little brat that always gets what you want, when you want it, and you start doing meth. When your parents find out, you refuse to go to counseling because you're 18 and they can't make you. A year later, your parents get a divorce, and they tell you it wasn't your fault. Well I'm here to tell you it was you fucking fault. You tip a waitress well, and she uses that money to buy heroine from the fucker that gives your wife AIDS – so you divorce the cheating slut and marry a single mom nurse and make a real fucking home for once. But then you later forget to send your dying wife a birthday card and write her out of your will, so your step son starts to get kicks from being a sick fuck and hides your invitation to her funeral. You don't pay that Salvation Army guy in front of the store so you slam your fingers in the car door. You make fun of vulnerable people and you get diabetes. Fucking karma at its fucking greatest.

And I'm proud to say I'm part of the neo-karma system everyone's so excited about. The school gets rid of tag because a kid might be inadequate or they discourage auditions because it could make a kid feel inferior, or they make encouraging posters and post them in the hallways and tell the ugly fat kids that everyone's beautiful and it's the inside the counts. If a kid can't play tag because he wheezes from the asthma he got from his parents smoking, he deserves to fucking know he's an unhealthy fucktard freak and should give up any plans he had about being a professional sports player. And if you can't fucking act, you deserve to know not to quit your fucking day job. My part in the neo-karma system is to tell people second place really is for losers, that we've all made second place, and that it's too late to advance because the race is already over. That there is no such thing as "an individual" and that no matter how hard you try to get to the top of that mountain, you're going to have to make your fucking way down again, and get a knee injury on the fucking way.

That it really is the outside that counts, and that's why they made job interviews. That calling a skinny anorexic 'fat' is worse than calling a fat anorexic 'fat', but telling an ugly person they're ugly is worse than telling a hot person they're ugly – but still as satisfying. That there is not such thing as being 'big boned,' you're just fat. That if you think its your fault, it probably is – and if you don't think its your fault, you're a conceited slut. And that I don't fucking care that the commercial says cholesterol runs in your family, there's no excuse for you to eat that cheesecake, you obnoxiously fat slut – but there's also no excuse for me not to eat it in front of you, bitch.

Oh Dear

I have absolutly nothing to write about - but I want to write... was thinking of doing a movie review, but now I'm too lazy. That's pretty pathetic isn't it?

Life seems to be sort of turning around for me now, which is good.

I have two jobs, housekeeping, and another apartment cleaning job. But they both pay very well and I'm quite happy with where I am in my life right now. Found out I'm hypoglicemic which is well... whatever, really. Doesn't make that much of a diference to my life so I don't really care. On the other hand I also found out I weigh a whole total of 83 pounds and wow... yeah - not so healthy at all.

The doctor (yes I have a new family doctor and she's actually working on finding out why I'm loosing so much weight which is awesome!) Anyway, my doctor gave me some meal suplements that I'm supposed to take with my food, but - even though I have been drinking them, eating three meals a day - I've lost a pound and a bit. Which I know seems small, but when you only weigh 83 pounds loosing anything is a bit worrysome.

I'm also back on antianxiety drugs which is great. Needed them so very badly. I'm getting back to feeling like a normal human being which is great :)

I'm thinking of getting back to work writing on some stories, or working on a comic. I need an outlet of some type.

Also, my music folder is failing me, if anyone has any new music that they want to share with me that would be awesome, because I'm really really getting bored with my colection.

Oh, and the roomie and I gotted outselves a wee beasty - her name is Harley David Quinn. Yay... most loving cuddly cat I've ever met in my life and she is amazing. One day when I get my camera working again I'll have to put up some pictures of her.

Sorry this post is so boring and useless - I'll get back into the swing of things again soon. promise. :)

Monday

I Has A Sad


Don't know why... been thinking about Tysene non stop for days.
Feels bad, Man...

Thursday

... if it wasn't for the fact that I have to go to a concert with my brother tomorrow... I would be in a very very deep slumber right now, and it wouldn't have even hurt that bad. Oh and I didn't want Brit to find me... Guess my plans for the evening have been ruined. hahahaha...

...

Fuck.. Need To Write Something

...
...
.
.
I'm just really scared


I'm tired of all the bad things that happen.
I'm tired of being stressed out
and tired
and sick
and worried
and scared
and stressed
and worried
and scared
and sick
and scared
.
..
.
I want Mom to be okay
and I want to be able to pay rent next month
and I want to stop feeling horrible
and I want Roger to leave me alone
and I want to sleep
I want to not dream for a night
.
..
.
I want to learn to play an instrument
I want to learn to love myself
I want to learn that it'll be okay
I want to learn how to love people
I want to learn a new language
I want to go back to school
I want to find a place to find hope
I want to give up
I want to run away
I want to learn to live

So I really haven't been doing a whole lot other than work, playing The Sims and watching You Tube vidjeo's... So I thought I'd just go ahead and share some of the people that I subscribe too ---

=3 - Ray William Johnson
Equals 3 is a wonderful, funny channel, it's great - I have nothing more to say, just watch it. You'll love it.

Breaking NYC - Ray William Johnson
This is the same guy that does =3 - it's his personal Vlog which is just as interesting, in a totally different way. He's a eally col guy, check out his shit.

Uhm.. actually- that's it, really... Just those two - if you want to check out his roommates Vlog it's on his page - The Will of DC -- and his friend Tessa - Meekakitty. I don't think they're as good, really... but you might find them interesting, so go for it. Watch a couple episodes and decide for yourself or whatever.

To be honest, I'm kinda thinking of starting my own Vlog thing, maybe... We'll see.

Wednesday

Call it Off

I won't regret saying this
This thing
That I'm saying
Is it better than
Keeping my mouth shut
That goes without saying
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case
I'll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad
There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do
I won't be out long
But I still think it better if
You take your time
Coming over here
I think that's for the best
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at
But now
We'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case
I'll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad
There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do

Tuesday

So It's Been A While

I have to work in about an hour, so I'm going to make this post as quick as I can while still getting everything out that I need to say, And trust me, there's a lot...

All in all I guess you could say life is good, no real complaints or anything. It just seems like things are getting worse when they should be getting better. I hve 3 jobs just to pay rent and bills. No real time to myself because it seems like theres always somebody around, always somebody wanting my attention, always something to do. If I'm not at work I'm at home cleaning and cooking and being a good little house wife, and I don't mind, not really... but this is the first time in what.. a month that I've actually had time to sit down and write. It's driving me insane and I don't know what to do.

I've been thinking so much about so much random crap and just -- I want to cry and break down and just let go for a while, but I can't let my friends and family down like that.

I'm not sure If I mentioned before... But I cut again - bad I dunno - it was a while ago, but the scars are still there and it was the first time in months I was able to cry and so I did and I just wanted to keep crying and go to sleep and I don't even know anymore.

Life is so hectic.

I try so hard, SO HARD to make everybody around me happy - but Brit is having problems and I just don' know what I can do to help because it feels like we never talk anymore and we're not as close as we used to be, it's only been a year and I feel like our friendship is falling apart and I feel like it's all my fault. What could I do to be better?It's just insane... I try and try and try and I can't do anything. Feels like she's always mad at me. I don't know what I did wrong.

There are things going on with Angel and Dez... But I'm pretty sure they'll be able to work things out and I know I KNOW that things between us are fine. She has a life and things to focus on and I know if she needs me she'll let me know. I'm not too worried... Maybe I should be? I'm not really sure.

Roger has been over so much lately, and I don't think he really understands even though he says he does. My life is insane, I like being busy, but right now - I mean... There are just times when I need to be completely alone. Like now, time to think things through and work things out in my head before I write or talk about any of it. and Lately I've been so worried and stressed out about money and work and debt and everything else that I just feel like I'm going insane and I don't have enough time. I know it hurts him when I tell him he can't come over, but What else am I supposed to say? He can be so hard to talk to because he takes everything so personally, I CAN be very blunt and mean when I'm in a bad mood, when people don't listen and give me my space... and it just seems to be driving him closer because he thinks he's doing something wrong, but he's not. I just need space, I need time to relax and work through my shit. I just want him to go away sometimes...

I don't want him to like - leave forever or break up or anything like that. I just - God... I'm one of those girls who wants what she can't have, which is stupid I know... but if he'd just leave sometimes, give me space... I'd be happier, I'd go after him. If he could just.. let things happen at their own pace not try to force or push things to go faster... Ya know? I want things to slow down... I want to just hang out and watch movies and talk about random crap and be happy and NOT be all cuddly and cute and touchy-feely all the time. That's not who I am. I mean, sure, sometimes... But not all the time.

I like being the one to initiate things... but I dunno. I want to be able to go out and have fun with my friends, at walkers, at home.. wherever without him needing to be around all the time. I'm not going to cheat on him, I don't want anybody else, but it seems like he doesn't trust me. He get jealous and possessive over me - even with people that have been my friends for years and it's NOT okay.. it just isn't. How am I supposed to trust someone who doesn't trust me? It's not fair.

There is so much more that I want to say that I don't know if I should... I just everything. I dunno what to do. I can't talk to anybody...

*sigh* fuck...

My next day off is on friday and I already know he's going to want to come over but I mean.. I need time to visit with mom and dylan and dad and cathie sometimes too... With the way my work schedule has been, I just don't know. it's hard to make time for everything but I'm doing the best I can.

Monday - I clean the apartment (maybe will be Monday and Friday depending on how messy it gets)
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday - I clean the office
Saturday, Sunday - I do inventory

The pay is awesome and I love working these jobs... but GOD - he makes me feel so guilty for having to work but I mean FUCK I need the money. I need to pay rent and bills and everything else and how am I supposed to be able to do that and juggle hanging out with friends and family and having me time and being able to work on my writing and my comics? I don't have much time - I like keeping myself busy. I have to or I go nuts.

I Mean... every two weeks I owe ::

215 - Rent
25 - Shaw (which will be going up when we get cable)
50 - Groceries

I owe ::

Brits mom 400
The bank 400
My phone 400 (which got cut off now)
and
The creditors 760

And then I still need money to live off of - money for the bus and snacks for work and shit like that. I will be getting paid enough, eventually, but I really need to get all this crap paid off first. then maybe I can quit one of my jobs and I'll have more time, but right now I just owe way too much money to everybody and everything and I get so stressed out it isn't even funny. What I owe to the bank and my phone gets up-ed twice a month or something so I just feel like I'm playing a loosing battle and there is absolutely no way out.

I just need to fight through it but God... This is insane.

Anyway, I need to go get ready for work...

Wednesday

Have you ever had one of those days where it feels like everything is just going wrong? That's how today was for me. How long did I go since the last time I cut? Long enough I guess... and this time it was worse than ever. I don't even know why... I'm so stressed out, everything in my life is just breaking apart it feels. my body hurts, every inch of it and I can seem to stop thinking long enough to just relax and let myself be okay.

I'm so tired...

I just want to sleep so badly. I was in bed all day, and all I really want to do is go back there and lie down and fall asleep again. Everything sucks right now. I wish I could think of better words, but I can't...

Friday

25 questions that provoke thought

  • What is it like to wake up every morning and pretend that you aren’t dying?
Oddly enough... I'm not sure I've ever thought of myself in the idea that I'm not dying. As we age we die and I wake every morning with the knowledge in my head that I realize I am slowly dying...

  • Do you believe in the death penalty? What if someone murdered your mother in cold blood? What if someone murdered a stranger’s mother, but saved your life the month before?
It all depends on the situation. NOTHING is that black and white. Life is all a shade of grey, and should be treated as such.

  • If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend
That person would totally be my friend, and I'd be just as blunt with her as she is with me. Honesty can hurt, but it's STILL honest.

  • Would you rather be rich and paralyzed from the waist down or poor and able bodied?
Poor and able bodied please and thank you. money is not happiness in my world.

  • What’s the most expensive gift you have ever received? Is it the best gift you have ever received?
My computer - it is the most useful, but I'm pretty sure the best gift I received was not something that was bought.

  • When was the last time you lied? Is it possible to lie without saying anything at all?
Today? Yesterday...? and yes, yes it is.

  • Stealing is immoral, right? But what if stealing was the only way to feed a starving child?
Steal the shit - it not that hard to make that decision.

  • If I gave you $20, what percentage would you – really – save? If I gave you $200,000, what percentage would you save? Should there be a difference?
None, I'm too broke to save any of it - it'd go to food. $200,000 -- whatever I didn't need to pay off my debt and live comfortable would be saved.

  • If someone could tell you the exact day and time that you are going to die, would you want them to tell you?
Yes - I'd make the most out of my life before that day. I could be happy, and make amends with all the shit I've done wrong.

  • If you found out you were going to die today, would you have any regrets? Would you be happy with the way you spent the last 24 hours of your life?
No real regrets, but I would not be happy with how I spent my last 24 hours... maybe I should change something in my life?

  • What’s your single greatest moment of personal failure? Looking back on it now, did it make you weaker or stronger? What did you learn?
Let me come back to this one?

  • Do the words ‘freedom’ and ‘liberty’ mean not being persecuted or discriminated against, or do they mean doing whatever you please?
Freedom to me means Live and let live.

  • Have you ever discriminated against someone? Imagine that a street gang notorious for wearing purple shirts has robbed and murdered several hundred people in your town. If a man wearing a purple shirt just rang your doorbell, would you answer it?
Better to be safe than sorry, love... hate to say it, but it's true.

  • Is it crazier to choose to be poor or to spend 40 years of your life hating 40 hours a week?
It's crazier to spend 40 years of your life hating 40 hours a week. Be happy. you never know what could happen.

  • Do you ever feel like you don’t have enough time? How many hours a week do you spend watching TV, or playing video games, or…?
I have too much time. Need to find something productive to do.

  • Do you ever celebrate the green lights?
Like.. traffic lights? I don't drive...

  • If you could be given another talent or ability, what would you want it to be? Have you ever – really – tried to perfect this ability in yourself?
Sing? Play guitar, something like that I think... No, I haven't... don't have the funds to buy a guitar and I'm too shy to sing when people are around.

  • No matter how bad things get, are you aware that someone always has it worse than you do?
Yes, but when I'm depressed, I don't very much give a shit.

  • When you help someone, do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?”
Sometimes I guess, but usually I just like being a good person...

  • Joy is found with simple awareness. What does your joy look like today?
Pie... Joy is pie.

  • What’s the difference between ‘living’ and ‘existing?’
Doing something you love simply because you can.

  • Are you willing to sacrifice the life of your child or lover to support a war?
Not a fucking chance.

  • Do you ask enough questions, or do you settle for what you know?
I constantly question shit. Knowledge is power... ask questions and listen to the fucking answer.

  • If you could do it all over again, would you change anything?
Yeah - I'd not put up with all the crap I put up with in high school. I'd do that over a gain in a heartbeat.

  • If your life was a novel, what would be the title and how would your story end?
Dunno - my story isn't finished yet.

Saturday

Five Lessons About How To Treat People

Five Lessons About How To Treat People
-- Author Unknown


1. First Important Lesson - "Know The Cleaning Lady"

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.


2. Second Important Lesson - "Pickup In The Rain"

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.

A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home.

A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."

Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.


3. Third Important Lesson - "Remember Those Who Serve"

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "50¢," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "35¢!" she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.

When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.


4. Fourth Important Lesson - "The Obstacles In Our Path"

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand - "Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition."


5. Fifth Important Lesson - "Giving When It Counts"

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save her."

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.