Tuesday

So It's Been A While

I have to work in about an hour, so I'm going to make this post as quick as I can while still getting everything out that I need to say, And trust me, there's a lot...

All in all I guess you could say life is good, no real complaints or anything. It just seems like things are getting worse when they should be getting better. I hve 3 jobs just to pay rent and bills. No real time to myself because it seems like theres always somebody around, always somebody wanting my attention, always something to do. If I'm not at work I'm at home cleaning and cooking and being a good little house wife, and I don't mind, not really... but this is the first time in what.. a month that I've actually had time to sit down and write. It's driving me insane and I don't know what to do.

I've been thinking so much about so much random crap and just -- I want to cry and break down and just let go for a while, but I can't let my friends and family down like that.

I'm not sure If I mentioned before... But I cut again - bad I dunno - it was a while ago, but the scars are still there and it was the first time in months I was able to cry and so I did and I just wanted to keep crying and go to sleep and I don't even know anymore.

Life is so hectic.

I try so hard, SO HARD to make everybody around me happy - but Brit is having problems and I just don' know what I can do to help because it feels like we never talk anymore and we're not as close as we used to be, it's only been a year and I feel like our friendship is falling apart and I feel like it's all my fault. What could I do to be better?It's just insane... I try and try and try and I can't do anything. Feels like she's always mad at me. I don't know what I did wrong.

There are things going on with Angel and Dez... But I'm pretty sure they'll be able to work things out and I know I KNOW that things between us are fine. She has a life and things to focus on and I know if she needs me she'll let me know. I'm not too worried... Maybe I should be? I'm not really sure.

Roger has been over so much lately, and I don't think he really understands even though he says he does. My life is insane, I like being busy, but right now - I mean... There are just times when I need to be completely alone. Like now, time to think things through and work things out in my head before I write or talk about any of it. and Lately I've been so worried and stressed out about money and work and debt and everything else that I just feel like I'm going insane and I don't have enough time. I know it hurts him when I tell him he can't come over, but What else am I supposed to say? He can be so hard to talk to because he takes everything so personally, I CAN be very blunt and mean when I'm in a bad mood, when people don't listen and give me my space... and it just seems to be driving him closer because he thinks he's doing something wrong, but he's not. I just need space, I need time to relax and work through my shit. I just want him to go away sometimes...

I don't want him to like - leave forever or break up or anything like that. I just - God... I'm one of those girls who wants what she can't have, which is stupid I know... but if he'd just leave sometimes, give me space... I'd be happier, I'd go after him. If he could just.. let things happen at their own pace not try to force or push things to go faster... Ya know? I want things to slow down... I want to just hang out and watch movies and talk about random crap and be happy and NOT be all cuddly and cute and touchy-feely all the time. That's not who I am. I mean, sure, sometimes... But not all the time.

I like being the one to initiate things... but I dunno. I want to be able to go out and have fun with my friends, at walkers, at home.. wherever without him needing to be around all the time. I'm not going to cheat on him, I don't want anybody else, but it seems like he doesn't trust me. He get jealous and possessive over me - even with people that have been my friends for years and it's NOT okay.. it just isn't. How am I supposed to trust someone who doesn't trust me? It's not fair.

There is so much more that I want to say that I don't know if I should... I just everything. I dunno what to do. I can't talk to anybody...

*sigh* fuck...

My next day off is on friday and I already know he's going to want to come over but I mean.. I need time to visit with mom and dylan and dad and cathie sometimes too... With the way my work schedule has been, I just don't know. it's hard to make time for everything but I'm doing the best I can.

Monday - I clean the apartment (maybe will be Monday and Friday depending on how messy it gets)
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday - I clean the office
Saturday, Sunday - I do inventory

The pay is awesome and I love working these jobs... but GOD - he makes me feel so guilty for having to work but I mean FUCK I need the money. I need to pay rent and bills and everything else and how am I supposed to be able to do that and juggle hanging out with friends and family and having me time and being able to work on my writing and my comics? I don't have much time - I like keeping myself busy. I have to or I go nuts.

I Mean... every two weeks I owe ::

215 - Rent
25 - Shaw (which will be going up when we get cable)
50 - Groceries

I owe ::

Brits mom 400
The bank 400
My phone 400 (which got cut off now)
and
The creditors 760

And then I still need money to live off of - money for the bus and snacks for work and shit like that. I will be getting paid enough, eventually, but I really need to get all this crap paid off first. then maybe I can quit one of my jobs and I'll have more time, but right now I just owe way too much money to everybody and everything and I get so stressed out it isn't even funny. What I owe to the bank and my phone gets up-ed twice a month or something so I just feel like I'm playing a loosing battle and there is absolutely no way out.

I just need to fight through it but God... This is insane.

Anyway, I need to go get ready for work...

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