Welcome Owen, to our home.
He cool - James' friend.
Guitarist for Autaric ( http://myspace.com/autaric )
Good guy, makes the house feel good. Everyone likes him.
That is all.
YAY
Monday
Brandon is my HEROIN, but You Could be my Cocain
Angel found a perfect torrent of REPO: The Genetic Opera and burned me a copy of it. Amazing movie, I loved every second of it.
Goad damn.... now about serious things. Mmmm...
I really like James, like - really really like James. It feels great to have him around me. Home with me (HOME). He's being a bit more intimate lately (still no sex). It feels amazing when he touches me; kisses me; hugs me; wants me?? Does he? I have no idea. But i know I like him more than even I want to admit... and I guess that's okay.
I put up with Tynera's burn-out neglect for nine months....
It feels strange to want someone like this again... Brandon will always be my heroin, he will always have that place in my heart that is reserved for my first real love.... but I think maybe James could be my Cocain. It feels just a bit safer.... it feels like I'm almost floating.
Maybe Cocain isn't the right drug.... maybe he;s more like Weed. Hard to say.
Goad damn.... now about serious things. Mmmm...
I really like James, like - really really like James. It feels great to have him around me. Home with me (HOME). He's being a bit more intimate lately (still no sex). It feels amazing when he touches me; kisses me; hugs me; wants me?? Does he? I have no idea. But i know I like him more than even I want to admit... and I guess that's okay.
I put up with Tynera's burn-out neglect for nine months....
It feels strange to want someone like this again... Brandon will always be my heroin, he will always have that place in my heart that is reserved for my first real love.... but I think maybe James could be my Cocain. It feels just a bit safer.... it feels like I'm almost floating.
Maybe Cocain isn't the right drug.... maybe he;s more like Weed. Hard to say.
My Mothers Lawsuit
Mom just called and she has grounds for a lawsuit against Dr. Mckee. Thank FUCK!! That bastard deserves to pay for all the shit he's put my mother and our family through. Some doctor he is. What a prick. If my mother dies because of him, I will BREAK. I will snap. I will KILL HIM
Don't think i can't
You have no idea what I can do when I put my mind to it.
An eye for an eye; a tooth for a tooth. It' makes sense to me.
Don't think i can't
You have no idea what I can do when I put my mind to it.
An eye for an eye; a tooth for a tooth. It' makes sense to me.
"If I was Straight, you wouldn't have a chance"
I'm pissed at Cam, the least she could do is stop flaunting herself in front of my boyfriend (at the very least while I'm around). I think i mentioned this once before, but she told me that if she was straight, I would never have had a chance. She'd have been fucking him, long before I ever got a chance to meet him.
It's true too, I'm afraid. She's so pretty, awesome, cool without ever needing to try. One of those girls that everyone is attracted to. The more I hang out with her and Caryn, the shittier I feel about myself. I don't think friends are suposed to make you feel like that.
I miss the days when Ice cream could fix all my problems. I just want to break down and cry forever. There is so much pain, self loathing, and hate inside me that I can actually feel myself drowning under the weight of it all.
I can feel the sting form the pain in my legs from where I cut them. I missed it, I kind of love the feeling. I love the feeling more than I should. It's addicting. My vice. I miss the pain, sharp and throbbing all at once, the sound the blade makes when it cuts through skin. It's so perfect. It feels almost RIGHT. I always miss it after a long break from it.
Just one more cut.
I think I can relate to how drug addicts feel now.
James is gone for a bit, I should probably venture down and have a shower. Try to get clean. try to look pretty despite that I know HE won't say shit about it. Try to de-stress. Maybe take my knife.. maybe just another couple of cuts. Just a couple.
I've always wanted to cut in the shower. Seems almost romantic somehow... Kind of like cocain, high class, dirty and glamorous.
Dangerous.
I love those feelings.
I love to get high.
I want to float away.
I want to overdose on Pain.
It's true too, I'm afraid. She's so pretty, awesome, cool without ever needing to try. One of those girls that everyone is attracted to. The more I hang out with her and Caryn, the shittier I feel about myself. I don't think friends are suposed to make you feel like that.
I miss the days when Ice cream could fix all my problems. I just want to break down and cry forever. There is so much pain, self loathing, and hate inside me that I can actually feel myself drowning under the weight of it all.
I can feel the sting form the pain in my legs from where I cut them. I missed it, I kind of love the feeling. I love the feeling more than I should. It's addicting. My vice. I miss the pain, sharp and throbbing all at once, the sound the blade makes when it cuts through skin. It's so perfect. It feels almost RIGHT. I always miss it after a long break from it.
Just one more cut.
I think I can relate to how drug addicts feel now.
James is gone for a bit, I should probably venture down and have a shower. Try to get clean. try to look pretty despite that I know HE won't say shit about it. Try to de-stress. Maybe take my knife.. maybe just another couple of cuts. Just a couple.
I've always wanted to cut in the shower. Seems almost romantic somehow... Kind of like cocain, high class, dirty and glamorous.
Dangerous.
I love those feelings.
I love to get high.
I want to float away.
I want to overdose on Pain.
Maybe He'd Like me More if I Dyed my Hair Purple and Called Myself CAM
James is in the shower. He's going out for beers with the guys tonight which is fine. We spent the day together, and I don't think he realizes how often he makes me feel like shit. Or maybe he does and just does not care.
Maybe he'd like me more if I smoked, did drugs, dyed my hair purple, kissed girls and called myself CAM. Maybe then he'd treat me better, have sex with me (it's been nearly a month), compliment me, find me attractive and actually want to be around me.
Maybe I should just OD on my meds, slit my wrists and put us both out of our misery. He could comfort Cam all the way into BED; which is where I'm pretty sure he wants her anyway. To be honest, he makes it kind of obvious (he doesn't look at me like that). It's really a shame he never pays much attention to me... Whatever, I don't know why I even bother getting my hopes up in this case. It will never happen.
Heh, just a few days into my new years resolutions, and I've already broken them all. In ONE FUCKING DAY JAMES!! ONE DAY!!!! I overmedicated, started cutting, and stopped eating (and I don't intand to start again anytime soon: fuck you)
Life is wonderful.
Drown myself in music and I write down all my pathetic poisons.
I don't blame him for not liking me, I'm not smart, or pretty, or fun, or musicly inclined. I don't smoke, do a bunch of drugs, play videogames or quote South Park... I'm ugly, too many scars, stupid, scared. Too clingy, needy, whiney. PATHETIC. I should be dead.
Maybe he'd like me more if I smoked, did drugs, dyed my hair purple, kissed girls and called myself CAM. Maybe then he'd treat me better, have sex with me (it's been nearly a month), compliment me, find me attractive and actually want to be around me.
Maybe I should just OD on my meds, slit my wrists and put us both out of our misery. He could comfort Cam all the way into BED; which is where I'm pretty sure he wants her anyway. To be honest, he makes it kind of obvious (he doesn't look at me like that). It's really a shame he never pays much attention to me... Whatever, I don't know why I even bother getting my hopes up in this case. It will never happen.
Heh, just a few days into my new years resolutions, and I've already broken them all. In ONE FUCKING DAY JAMES!! ONE DAY!!!! I overmedicated, started cutting, and stopped eating (and I don't intand to start again anytime soon: fuck you)
Life is wonderful.
Drown myself in music and I write down all my pathetic poisons.
I don't blame him for not liking me, I'm not smart, or pretty, or fun, or musicly inclined. I don't smoke, do a bunch of drugs, play videogames or quote South Park... I'm ugly, too many scars, stupid, scared. Too clingy, needy, whiney. PATHETIC. I should be dead.
Another Awkward Skank
So, lets talk about words: Awkward and Skank.
Why these words? Because, let me put it this way... Last night was awkward because I am a skank. Curt, James, Cam, Brodie and I sat around watching movies last night. Normally, this should not be an awkward situation, but when you bring into account the fact that I was sitting in a room filled with people I've fucked, and all of them know it except for my boyfriend.... yea. not fun. Invite Tynera and Brandon over and BAM there's all my ex lovers in one room. FUCK.
James is sitting beside me playing Twilight Princess (Zelda) while I write this and it feels strangely okay... I'm not sure why that is exactly, because I hate writing in my journals while there are people around. ... Do I really trust him this much?
Why these words? Because, let me put it this way... Last night was awkward because I am a skank. Curt, James, Cam, Brodie and I sat around watching movies last night. Normally, this should not be an awkward situation, but when you bring into account the fact that I was sitting in a room filled with people I've fucked, and all of them know it except for my boyfriend.... yea. not fun. Invite Tynera and Brandon over and BAM there's all my ex lovers in one room. FUCK.
James is sitting beside me playing Twilight Princess (Zelda) while I write this and it feels strangely okay... I'm not sure why that is exactly, because I hate writing in my journals while there are people around. ... Do I really trust him this much?
From Curt to Gabe
Wow, I have no idea what to say about the last week; from Curt to Gabe has just been one big drama. I am almost positive that PLAN B worked. Good enough, I guess...
Gabe - is moving out. Things are not okay there, but I am hoping he will learn to forgive me and maybe one day we can be friends again. It hurts, and I miss him dearly. I hope he finds himself and can be happy with whatever he chooses to do.
James will be moving in (for good) sometime in February, he basically lives here anyway. I think that maybe I can learn to make him happy and things will hopefully work out for us. I do like him; a lot. I just wish he liked me too. It hurts not knowing if I make him happy or not. He never talks to me about anything. I have no idea what he is feeling or thinking. I guess I don't really tell him either. I guess that's life.
Gabe - is moving out. Things are not okay there, but I am hoping he will learn to forgive me and maybe one day we can be friends again. It hurts, and I miss him dearly. I hope he finds himself and can be happy with whatever he chooses to do.
James will be moving in (for good) sometime in February, he basically lives here anyway. I think that maybe I can learn to make him happy and things will hopefully work out for us. I do like him; a lot. I just wish he liked me too. It hurts not knowing if I make him happy or not. He never talks to me about anything. I have no idea what he is feeling or thinking. I guess I don't really tell him either. I guess that's life.
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