Have you ever had one of those days where it feels like everything is just going wrong? That's how today was for me. How long did I go since the last time I cut? Long enough I guess... and this time it was worse than ever. I don't even know why... I'm so stressed out, everything in my life is just breaking apart it feels. my body hurts, every inch of it and I can seem to stop thinking long enough to just relax and let myself be okay.
I'm so tired...
I just want to sleep so badly. I was in bed all day, and all I really want to do is go back there and lie down and fall asleep again. Everything sucks right now. I wish I could think of better words, but I can't...
Friday
25 questions that provoke thought
- What is it like to wake up every morning and pretend that you aren’t dying?
- Do you believe in the death penalty? What if someone murdered your mother in cold blood? What if someone murdered a stranger’s mother, but saved your life the month before?
- If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend
- Would you rather be rich and paralyzed from the waist down or poor and able bodied?
- What’s the most expensive gift you have ever received? Is it the best gift you have ever received?
- When was the last time you lied? Is it possible to lie without saying anything at all?
- Stealing is immoral, right? But what if stealing was the only way to feed a starving child?
- If I gave you $20, what percentage would you – really – save? If I gave you $200,000, what percentage would you save? Should there be a difference?
- If someone could tell you the exact day and time that you are going to die, would you want them to tell you?
- If you found out you were going to die today, would you have any regrets? Would you be happy with the way you spent the last 24 hours of your life?
- What’s your single greatest moment of personal failure? Looking back on it now, did it make you weaker or stronger? What did you learn?
- Do the words ‘freedom’ and ‘liberty’ mean not being persecuted or discriminated against, or do they mean doing whatever you please?
- Have you ever discriminated against someone? Imagine that a street gang notorious for wearing purple shirts has robbed and murdered several hundred people in your town. If a man wearing a purple shirt just rang your doorbell, would you answer it?
- Is it crazier to choose to be poor or to spend 40 years of your life hating 40 hours a week?
- Do you ever feel like you don’t have enough time? How many hours a week do you spend watching TV, or playing video games, or…?
- Do you ever celebrate the green lights?
- If you could be given another talent or ability, what would you want it to be? Have you ever – really – tried to perfect this ability in yourself?
- No matter how bad things get, are you aware that someone always has it worse than you do?
- When you help someone, do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?”
- Joy is found with simple awareness. What does your joy look like today?
- What’s the difference between ‘living’ and ‘existing?’
- Are you willing to sacrifice the life of your child or lover to support a war?
- Do you ask enough questions, or do you settle for what you know?
- If you could do it all over again, would you change anything?
- If your life was a novel, what would be the title and how would your story end?
Saturday
Five Lessons About How To Treat People
Five Lessons About How To Treat People
-- Author Unknown
1. First Important Lesson - "Know The Cleaning Lady"
During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."
I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
2. Second Important Lesson - "Pickup In The Rain"
One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home.
A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.
3. Third Important Lesson - "Remember Those Who Serve"
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "50¢," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.
"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "35¢!" she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.
When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
4. Fourth Important Lesson - "The Obstacles In Our Path"
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand - "Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition."
5. Fifth Important Lesson - "Giving When It Counts"
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save her."
As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?".
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.
-- Author Unknown
1. First Important Lesson - "Know The Cleaning Lady"
During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."
I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
2. Second Important Lesson - "Pickup In The Rain"
One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home.
A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.
3. Third Important Lesson - "Remember Those Who Serve"
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "50¢," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.
"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "35¢!" she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.
When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
4. Fourth Important Lesson - "The Obstacles In Our Path"
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand - "Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition."
5. Fifth Important Lesson - "Giving When It Counts"
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save her."
As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?".
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.
Friday
So Maybe I'm Crazy Buuutt....
Just.. try .. one day try it! because it's the best feeling in the world... Well I think so anyway...
1. Get a really old, B&W horror movie - one of the ones with like... really loud screams and TONS of overacting - turn the volume down low enough so that all you really hear are the screams.
2. Get some candles, put them everywhere (that won't start a fire)
3. Find some AWESOME classical/instrumental music and turn it on so you can still hear the movie screams faintly.
4. If you don't have to pay or water in your place - Turn on a shower or sink .. some sort of water for more weird background noise
5. Make a blanket nest.
6. get buzzed or half cut or something
7. Just chill out! and listen to the music and watch the creepy movie ^_^
It feeels sooo good.
best way to de-stress.
1. Get a really old, B&W horror movie - one of the ones with like... really loud screams and TONS of overacting - turn the volume down low enough so that all you really hear are the screams.
2. Get some candles, put them everywhere (that won't start a fire)
3. Find some AWESOME classical/instrumental music and turn it on so you can still hear the movie screams faintly.
4. If you don't have to pay or water in your place - Turn on a shower or sink .. some sort of water for more weird background noise
5. Make a blanket nest.
6. get buzzed or half cut or something
7. Just chill out! and listen to the music and watch the creepy movie ^_^
It feeels sooo good.
best way to de-stress.
It Shouldn't Be This Hard
So I was supposed to go on a sorts date today thing... with a guy that seemed really nice. I was happy, got ready, and waited... and waited... and - he said if he doesn't call me, I should call him cuz he might forget, he's had a lot of shit to do lately with recording an album and doing a buncha editing and that sort of thing.
That's fine. I can understand.
8:00 comes around, I haven't heard from him, so I give him a call... no answer.
I can't really be mad. And I'm not... I'm just frustrated.
I'm used to fairly attentive guys. Brodie, Brandon, hell even James... they were just always THERE for me. if I wanted a hug, or someone to talk to... or if It was 3:00 in the morning and I needed a cheesecake and coffee fix, anything. It was just... there...
And now it seems I've been... I dunno. Am I just, really unattractive? Do I have a really aweful personality? Not funny? Not smiling enough? Not smart enough? Not MetaL enough?? What is it?
(Seriously, if your reading this - please tell me what I'm doing wrong... cuz I dunno anymore)
It just SUCKS! I'm finally at a point in my life where I know what I want. I want a relationship. something fun but serious. A long term sorta thing... Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong... I don't know anymore.
This just, It sucks so bad. I want a relationship so bad, just, a companion, someone to be there with. someone to hug and hold and talk to, someone to laugh at really bad movies with.
Why is that so sooo hard to find?
:(
I'm really depressed now. I don't know why guys don't like me.
What kind of vibes do I send out?
Whats wrong with me?
Why cant I be the pretty, smart, funny girl that all those people I want seem to want? I can't count how many times I guy I like has gone for my friends, or roommates after they meet them. or like I'm the thing they take because they couldn't have that person.
It feels like I'm always in second place. maybe I'm the last place bronze medal or something... hell not even that. I'm like the consolation prize because they didn't win any of the ones the wanted.
*sigh* I hate myself right now.
That's fine. I can understand.
8:00 comes around, I haven't heard from him, so I give him a call... no answer.
I can't really be mad. And I'm not... I'm just frustrated.
I'm used to fairly attentive guys. Brodie, Brandon, hell even James... they were just always THERE for me. if I wanted a hug, or someone to talk to... or if It was 3:00 in the morning and I needed a cheesecake and coffee fix, anything. It was just... there...
And now it seems I've been... I dunno. Am I just, really unattractive? Do I have a really aweful personality? Not funny? Not smiling enough? Not smart enough? Not MetaL enough?? What is it?
(Seriously, if your reading this - please tell me what I'm doing wrong... cuz I dunno anymore)
It just SUCKS! I'm finally at a point in my life where I know what I want. I want a relationship. something fun but serious. A long term sorta thing... Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong... I don't know anymore.
This just, It sucks so bad. I want a relationship so bad, just, a companion, someone to be there with. someone to hug and hold and talk to, someone to laugh at really bad movies with.
Why is that so sooo hard to find?
:(
I'm really depressed now. I don't know why guys don't like me.
What kind of vibes do I send out?
Whats wrong with me?
Why cant I be the pretty, smart, funny girl that all those people I want seem to want? I can't count how many times I guy I like has gone for my friends, or roommates after they meet them. or like I'm the thing they take because they couldn't have that person.
It feels like I'm always in second place. maybe I'm the last place bronze medal or something... hell not even that. I'm like the consolation prize because they didn't win any of the ones the wanted.
*sigh* I hate myself right now.
I went to a basement metal show last night. Autaric... A band my friend Owen plays in. It was awesome. As I stood there, in a room filled with smoke, long haired metal heads, beer, and Loud fucking music I smiled. That Is where I want to spend my life.
In a small, cramped, smoky, loud basement filled with MY PEOPLE.
It's come to my attention, slowly, over a vast number of days that I am no longer the little goth girl I used to be. I am a metal head. I like the people. The atmosphere. THE MUSIC! The people... god how I love the people.
I have never felt more comfortable in a room of people I don't know. My one connection to the entire thing was standing up playing some of the most wicked guitar riffs I've ever seen, screaming out lyrics and ... just... not caring. and DRUNK, god was he drunk.
But it was good! He was good!
That is where I belong.
I don't know how many times I've told people I simply aspire to BE... I don't want to be SOMEONE I want to be myself. I just want to live and let the music and the scene and the people engulf me. I grew up around hard music. Rough people. Dark, dank little bars and trashy parties. and I LOVE it.
Does that make me white trash?
If it does... do I care?
Should I?
Should anyone?
The energy.... when you see those guys on stage in a tiny little bar, or a basement and everyone's giving it their all because it's part of them. It's part of who they are and you can just FEEL it. Like a wave that washes over you a thousand times. You can feel the wind from the mosh-pit and everyone headbanging and hair is everywhere.
We probably all smell like sweat and booze and cigarette smoke, and we look like hell, but it's great! We don't judge each other. We all look the same. and nobody understands the fucking lyrics anyway so we all just scream and clap and cheer and have a good time and LIVE!
This is where I want to spend the rest of my life.
This is who I am.
In a dark, dingy, empty basement; save for a guitar and speakers, hanging out with friends, meeting new friends and listening to good heavy music.
In a small, cramped, smoky, loud basement filled with MY PEOPLE.
It's come to my attention, slowly, over a vast number of days that I am no longer the little goth girl I used to be. I am a metal head. I like the people. The atmosphere. THE MUSIC! The people... god how I love the people.
I have never felt more comfortable in a room of people I don't know. My one connection to the entire thing was standing up playing some of the most wicked guitar riffs I've ever seen, screaming out lyrics and ... just... not caring. and DRUNK, god was he drunk.
But it was good! He was good!
That is where I belong.
I don't know how many times I've told people I simply aspire to BE... I don't want to be SOMEONE I want to be myself. I just want to live and let the music and the scene and the people engulf me. I grew up around hard music. Rough people. Dark, dank little bars and trashy parties. and I LOVE it.
Does that make me white trash?
If it does... do I care?
Should I?
Should anyone?
The energy.... when you see those guys on stage in a tiny little bar, or a basement and everyone's giving it their all because it's part of them. It's part of who they are and you can just FEEL it. Like a wave that washes over you a thousand times. You can feel the wind from the mosh-pit and everyone headbanging and hair is everywhere.
We probably all smell like sweat and booze and cigarette smoke, and we look like hell, but it's great! We don't judge each other. We all look the same. and nobody understands the fucking lyrics anyway so we all just scream and clap and cheer and have a good time and LIVE!
This is where I want to spend the rest of my life.
This is who I am.
In a dark, dingy, empty basement; save for a guitar and speakers, hanging out with friends, meeting new friends and listening to good heavy music.
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