I have to work in about an hour, so I'm going to make this post as quick as I can while still getting everything out that I need to say, And trust me, there's a lot...
All in all I guess you could say life is good, no real complaints or anything. It just seems like things are getting worse when they should be getting better. I hve 3 jobs just to pay rent and bills. No real time to myself because it seems like theres always somebody around, always somebody wanting my attention, always something to do. If I'm not at work I'm at home cleaning and cooking and being a good little house wife, and I don't mind, not really... but this is the first time in what.. a month that I've actually had time to sit down and write. It's driving me insane and I don't know what to do.
I've been thinking so much about so much random crap and just -- I want to cry and break down and just let go for a while, but I can't let my friends and family down like that.
I'm not sure If I mentioned before... But I cut again - bad I dunno - it was a while ago, but the scars are still there and it was the first time in months I was able to cry and so I did and I just wanted to keep crying and go to sleep and I don't even know anymore.
Life is so hectic.
I try so hard, SO HARD to make everybody around me happy - but Brit is having problems and I just don' know what I can do to help because it feels like we never talk anymore and we're not as close as we used to be, it's only been a year and I feel like our friendship is falling apart and I feel like it's all my fault. What could I do to be better?It's just insane... I try and try and try and I can't do anything. Feels like she's always mad at me. I don't know what I did wrong.
There are things going on with Angel and Dez... But I'm pretty sure they'll be able to work things out and I know I KNOW that things between us are fine. She has a life and things to focus on and I know if she needs me she'll let me know. I'm not too worried... Maybe I should be? I'm not really sure.
Roger has been over so much lately, and I don't think he really understands even though he says he does. My life is insane, I like being busy, but right now - I mean... There are just times when I need to be completely alone. Like now, time to think things through and work things out in my head before I write or talk about any of it. and Lately I've been so worried and stressed out about money and work and debt and everything else that I just feel like I'm going insane and I don't have enough time. I know it hurts him when I tell him he can't come over, but What else am I supposed to say? He can be so hard to talk to because he takes everything so personally, I CAN be very blunt and mean when I'm in a bad mood, when people don't listen and give me my space... and it just seems to be driving him closer because he thinks he's doing something wrong, but he's not. I just need space, I need time to relax and work through my shit. I just want him to go away sometimes...
I don't want him to like - leave forever or break up or anything like that. I just - God... I'm one of those girls who wants what she can't have, which is stupid I know... but if he'd just leave sometimes, give me space... I'd be happier, I'd go after him. If he could just.. let things happen at their own pace not try to force or push things to go faster... Ya know? I want things to slow down... I want to just hang out and watch movies and talk about random crap and be happy and NOT be all cuddly and cute and touchy-feely all the time. That's not who I am. I mean, sure, sometimes... But not all the time.
I like being the one to initiate things... but I dunno. I want to be able to go out and have fun with my friends, at walkers, at home.. wherever without him needing to be around all the time. I'm not going to cheat on him, I don't want anybody else, but it seems like he doesn't trust me. He get jealous and possessive over me - even with people that have been my friends for years and it's NOT okay.. it just isn't. How am I supposed to trust someone who doesn't trust me? It's not fair.
There is so much more that I want to say that I don't know if I should... I just everything. I dunno what to do. I can't talk to anybody...
*sigh* fuck...
My next day off is on friday and I already know he's going to want to come over but I mean.. I need time to visit with mom and dylan and dad and cathie sometimes too... With the way my work schedule has been, I just don't know. it's hard to make time for everything but I'm doing the best I can.
Monday - I clean the apartment (maybe will be Monday and Friday depending on how messy it gets)
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday - I clean the office
Saturday, Sunday - I do inventory
The pay is awesome and I love working these jobs... but GOD - he makes me feel so guilty for having to work but I mean FUCK I need the money. I need to pay rent and bills and everything else and how am I supposed to be able to do that and juggle hanging out with friends and family and having me time and being able to work on my writing and my comics? I don't have much time - I like keeping myself busy. I have to or I go nuts.
I Mean... every two weeks I owe ::
215 - Rent
25 - Shaw (which will be going up when we get cable)
50 - Groceries
I owe ::
Brits mom 400
The bank 400
My phone 400 (which got cut off now)
and
The creditors 760
And then I still need money to live off of - money for the bus and snacks for work and shit like that. I will be getting paid enough, eventually, but I really need to get all this crap paid off first. then maybe I can quit one of my jobs and I'll have more time, but right now I just owe way too much money to everybody and everything and I get so stressed out it isn't even funny. What I owe to the bank and my phone gets up-ed twice a month or something so I just feel like I'm playing a loosing battle and there is absolutely no way out.
I just need to fight through it but God... This is insane.
Anyway, I need to go get ready for work...
Tuesday
Wednesday
Have you ever had one of those days where it feels like everything is just going wrong? That's how today was for me. How long did I go since the last time I cut? Long enough I guess... and this time it was worse than ever. I don't even know why... I'm so stressed out, everything in my life is just breaking apart it feels. my body hurts, every inch of it and I can seem to stop thinking long enough to just relax and let myself be okay.
I'm so tired...
I just want to sleep so badly. I was in bed all day, and all I really want to do is go back there and lie down and fall asleep again. Everything sucks right now. I wish I could think of better words, but I can't...
I'm so tired...
I just want to sleep so badly. I was in bed all day, and all I really want to do is go back there and lie down and fall asleep again. Everything sucks right now. I wish I could think of better words, but I can't...
Friday
25 questions that provoke thought
- What is it like to wake up every morning and pretend that you aren’t dying?
- Do you believe in the death penalty? What if someone murdered your mother in cold blood? What if someone murdered a stranger’s mother, but saved your life the month before?
- If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend
- Would you rather be rich and paralyzed from the waist down or poor and able bodied?
- What’s the most expensive gift you have ever received? Is it the best gift you have ever received?
- When was the last time you lied? Is it possible to lie without saying anything at all?
- Stealing is immoral, right? But what if stealing was the only way to feed a starving child?
- If I gave you $20, what percentage would you – really – save? If I gave you $200,000, what percentage would you save? Should there be a difference?
- If someone could tell you the exact day and time that you are going to die, would you want them to tell you?
- If you found out you were going to die today, would you have any regrets? Would you be happy with the way you spent the last 24 hours of your life?
- What’s your single greatest moment of personal failure? Looking back on it now, did it make you weaker or stronger? What did you learn?
- Do the words ‘freedom’ and ‘liberty’ mean not being persecuted or discriminated against, or do they mean doing whatever you please?
- Have you ever discriminated against someone? Imagine that a street gang notorious for wearing purple shirts has robbed and murdered several hundred people in your town. If a man wearing a purple shirt just rang your doorbell, would you answer it?
- Is it crazier to choose to be poor or to spend 40 years of your life hating 40 hours a week?
- Do you ever feel like you don’t have enough time? How many hours a week do you spend watching TV, or playing video games, or…?
- Do you ever celebrate the green lights?
- If you could be given another talent or ability, what would you want it to be? Have you ever – really – tried to perfect this ability in yourself?
- No matter how bad things get, are you aware that someone always has it worse than you do?
- When you help someone, do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?”
- Joy is found with simple awareness. What does your joy look like today?
- What’s the difference between ‘living’ and ‘existing?’
- Are you willing to sacrifice the life of your child or lover to support a war?
- Do you ask enough questions, or do you settle for what you know?
- If you could do it all over again, would you change anything?
- If your life was a novel, what would be the title and how would your story end?
Saturday
Five Lessons About How To Treat People
Five Lessons About How To Treat People
-- Author Unknown
1. First Important Lesson - "Know The Cleaning Lady"
During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."
I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
2. Second Important Lesson - "Pickup In The Rain"
One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home.
A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.
3. Third Important Lesson - "Remember Those Who Serve"
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "50¢," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.
"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "35¢!" she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.
When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
4. Fourth Important Lesson - "The Obstacles In Our Path"
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand - "Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition."
5. Fifth Important Lesson - "Giving When It Counts"
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save her."
As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?".
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.
-- Author Unknown
1. First Important Lesson - "Know The Cleaning Lady"
During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."
I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
2. Second Important Lesson - "Pickup In The Rain"
One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home.
A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.
3. Third Important Lesson - "Remember Those Who Serve"
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "50¢," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.
"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "35¢!" she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.
When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
4. Fourth Important Lesson - "The Obstacles In Our Path"
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand - "Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition."
5. Fifth Important Lesson - "Giving When It Counts"
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save her."
As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?".
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.
Friday
So Maybe I'm Crazy Buuutt....
Just.. try .. one day try it! because it's the best feeling in the world... Well I think so anyway...
1. Get a really old, B&W horror movie - one of the ones with like... really loud screams and TONS of overacting - turn the volume down low enough so that all you really hear are the screams.
2. Get some candles, put them everywhere (that won't start a fire)
3. Find some AWESOME classical/instrumental music and turn it on so you can still hear the movie screams faintly.
4. If you don't have to pay or water in your place - Turn on a shower or sink .. some sort of water for more weird background noise
5. Make a blanket nest.
6. get buzzed or half cut or something
7. Just chill out! and listen to the music and watch the creepy movie ^_^
It feeels sooo good.
best way to de-stress.
1. Get a really old, B&W horror movie - one of the ones with like... really loud screams and TONS of overacting - turn the volume down low enough so that all you really hear are the screams.
2. Get some candles, put them everywhere (that won't start a fire)
3. Find some AWESOME classical/instrumental music and turn it on so you can still hear the movie screams faintly.
4. If you don't have to pay or water in your place - Turn on a shower or sink .. some sort of water for more weird background noise
5. Make a blanket nest.
6. get buzzed or half cut or something
7. Just chill out! and listen to the music and watch the creepy movie ^_^
It feeels sooo good.
best way to de-stress.
It Shouldn't Be This Hard
So I was supposed to go on a sorts date today thing... with a guy that seemed really nice. I was happy, got ready, and waited... and waited... and - he said if he doesn't call me, I should call him cuz he might forget, he's had a lot of shit to do lately with recording an album and doing a buncha editing and that sort of thing.
That's fine. I can understand.
8:00 comes around, I haven't heard from him, so I give him a call... no answer.
I can't really be mad. And I'm not... I'm just frustrated.
I'm used to fairly attentive guys. Brodie, Brandon, hell even James... they were just always THERE for me. if I wanted a hug, or someone to talk to... or if It was 3:00 in the morning and I needed a cheesecake and coffee fix, anything. It was just... there...
And now it seems I've been... I dunno. Am I just, really unattractive? Do I have a really aweful personality? Not funny? Not smiling enough? Not smart enough? Not MetaL enough?? What is it?
(Seriously, if your reading this - please tell me what I'm doing wrong... cuz I dunno anymore)
It just SUCKS! I'm finally at a point in my life where I know what I want. I want a relationship. something fun but serious. A long term sorta thing... Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong... I don't know anymore.
This just, It sucks so bad. I want a relationship so bad, just, a companion, someone to be there with. someone to hug and hold and talk to, someone to laugh at really bad movies with.
Why is that so sooo hard to find?
:(
I'm really depressed now. I don't know why guys don't like me.
What kind of vibes do I send out?
Whats wrong with me?
Why cant I be the pretty, smart, funny girl that all those people I want seem to want? I can't count how many times I guy I like has gone for my friends, or roommates after they meet them. or like I'm the thing they take because they couldn't have that person.
It feels like I'm always in second place. maybe I'm the last place bronze medal or something... hell not even that. I'm like the consolation prize because they didn't win any of the ones the wanted.
*sigh* I hate myself right now.
That's fine. I can understand.
8:00 comes around, I haven't heard from him, so I give him a call... no answer.
I can't really be mad. And I'm not... I'm just frustrated.
I'm used to fairly attentive guys. Brodie, Brandon, hell even James... they were just always THERE for me. if I wanted a hug, or someone to talk to... or if It was 3:00 in the morning and I needed a cheesecake and coffee fix, anything. It was just... there...
And now it seems I've been... I dunno. Am I just, really unattractive? Do I have a really aweful personality? Not funny? Not smiling enough? Not smart enough? Not MetaL enough?? What is it?
(Seriously, if your reading this - please tell me what I'm doing wrong... cuz I dunno anymore)
It just SUCKS! I'm finally at a point in my life where I know what I want. I want a relationship. something fun but serious. A long term sorta thing... Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong... I don't know anymore.
This just, It sucks so bad. I want a relationship so bad, just, a companion, someone to be there with. someone to hug and hold and talk to, someone to laugh at really bad movies with.
Why is that so sooo hard to find?
:(
I'm really depressed now. I don't know why guys don't like me.
What kind of vibes do I send out?
Whats wrong with me?
Why cant I be the pretty, smart, funny girl that all those people I want seem to want? I can't count how many times I guy I like has gone for my friends, or roommates after they meet them. or like I'm the thing they take because they couldn't have that person.
It feels like I'm always in second place. maybe I'm the last place bronze medal or something... hell not even that. I'm like the consolation prize because they didn't win any of the ones the wanted.
*sigh* I hate myself right now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)