... if it wasn't for the fact that I have to go to a concert with my brother tomorrow... I would be in a very very deep slumber right now, and it wouldn't have even hurt that bad. Oh and I didn't want Brit to find me... Guess my plans for the evening have been ruined. hahahaha...

...

Fuck.. Need To Write Something

...
...
.
.
I'm just really scared

I'm tired of all the bad things that happen.
I'm tired of being stressed out
and tired
and sick
and worried
and scared
and stressed
and worried
and scared
and sick
and scared
.
..
.
I want Mom to be okay
and I want to be able to pay rent next month
and I want to stop feeling horrible
and I want Roger to leave me alone
and I want to sleep
I want to not dream for a night
.
..
.
I want to learn to play an instrument
I want to learn to love myself
I want to learn that it'll be okay
I want to learn how to love people
I want to learn a new language
I want to go back to school
I want to find a place to find hope
I want to give up
I want to run away
I want to learn to live

So I really haven't been doing a whole lot other than work, playing The Sims and watching You Tube vidjeo's... So I thought I'd just go ahead and share some of the people that I subscribe too ---

=3 - Ray William Johnson
Equals 3 is a wonderful, funny channel, it's great - I have nothing more to say, just watch it. You'll love it.

Breaking NYC - Ray William Johnson
This is the same guy that does =3 - it's his personal Vlog which is just as interesting, in a totally different way. He's a eally col guy, check out his shit.

Uhm.. actually- that's it, really... Just those two - if you want to check out his roommates Vlog it's on his page - The Will of DC -- and his friend Tessa - Meekakitty. I don't think they're as good, really... but you might find them interesting, so go for it. Watch a couple episodes and decide for yourself or whatever.

To be honest, I'm kinda thinking of starting my own Vlog thing, maybe... We'll see.

Call it Off

I won't regret saying this
This thing
That I'm saying
Is it better than
Keeping my mouth shut
That goes without saying
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case
I'll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad
There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do
I won't be out long
But I still think it better if
You take your time
Coming over here
I think that's for the best
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been
Something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been
Something I'd be good at
But now
We'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case
I'll go there
Everyday,
To make myself feel bad
There's a chance
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do
I'll start to wonder
If this was the thing to do

So It's Been A While

I have to work in about an hour, so I'm going to make this post as quick as I can while still getting everything out that I need to say, And trust me, there's a lot...

All in all I guess you could say life is good, no real complaints or anything. It just seems like things are getting worse when they should be getting better. I hve 3 jobs just to pay rent and bills. No real time to myself because it seems like theres always somebody around, always somebody wanting my attention, always something to do. If I'm not at work I'm at home cleaning and cooking and being a good little house wife, and I don't mind, not really... but this is the first time in what.. a month that I've actually had time to sit down and write. It's driving me insane and I don't know what to do.

I've been thinking so much about so much random crap and just -- I want to cry and break down and just let go for a while, but I can't let my friends and family down like that.

I'm not sure If I mentioned before... But I cut again - bad I dunno - it was a while ago, but the scars are still there and it was the first time in months I was able to cry and so I did and I just wanted to keep crying and go to sleep and I don't even know anymore.

Life is so hectic.

I try so hard, SO HARD to make everybody around me happy - but Brit is having problems and I just don' know what I can do to help because it feels like we never talk anymore and we're not as close as we used to be, it's only been a year and I feel like our friendship is falling apart and I feel like it's all my fault. What could I do to be better?It's just insane... I try and try and try and I can't do anything. Feels like she's always mad at me. I don't know what I did wrong.

There are things going on with Angel and Dez... But I'm pretty sure they'll be able to work things out and I know I KNOW that things between us are fine. She has a life and things to focus on and I know if she needs me she'll let me know. I'm not too worried... Maybe I should be? I'm not really sure.

Roger has been over so much lately, and I don't think he really understands even though he says he does. My life is insane, I like being busy, but right now - I mean... There are just times when I need to be completely alone. Like now, time to think things through and work things out in my head before I write or talk about any of it. and Lately I've been so worried and stressed out about money and work and debt and everything else that I just feel like I'm going insane and I don't have enough time. I know it hurts him when I tell him he can't come over, but What else am I supposed to say? He can be so hard to talk to because he takes everything so personally, I CAN be very blunt and mean when I'm in a bad mood, when people don't listen and give me my space... and it just seems to be driving him closer because he thinks he's doing something wrong, but he's not. I just need space, I need time to relax and work through my shit. I just want him to go away sometimes...

I don't want him to like - leave forever or break up or anything like that. I just - God... I'm one of those girls who wants what she can't have, which is stupid I know... but if he'd just leave sometimes, give me space... I'd be happier, I'd go after him. If he could just.. let things happen at their own pace not try to force or push things to go faster... Ya know? I want things to slow down... I want to just hang out and watch movies and talk about random crap and be happy and NOT be all cuddly and cute and touchy-feely all the time. That's not who I am. I mean, sure, sometimes... But not all the time.

I like being the one to initiate things... but I dunno. I want to be able to go out and have fun with my friends, at walkers, at home.. wherever without him needing to be around all the time. I'm not going to cheat on him, I don't want anybody else, but it seems like he doesn't trust me. He get jealous and possessive over me - even with people that have been my friends for years and it's NOT okay.. it just isn't. How am I supposed to trust someone who doesn't trust me? It's not fair.

There is so much more that I want to say that I don't know if I should... I just everything. I dunno what to do. I can't talk to anybody...

*sigh* fuck...

My next day off is on friday and I already know he's going to want to come over but I mean.. I need time to visit with mom and dylan and dad and cathie sometimes too... With the way my work schedule has been, I just don't know. it's hard to make time for everything but I'm doing the best I can.

Monday - I clean the apartment (maybe will be Monday and Friday depending on how messy it gets)
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday - I clean the office
Saturday, Sunday - I do inventory

The pay is awesome and I love working these jobs... but GOD - he makes me feel so guilty for having to work but I mean FUCK I need the money. I need to pay rent and bills and everything else and how am I supposed to be able to do that and juggle hanging out with friends and family and having me time and being able to work on my writing and my comics? I don't have much time - I like keeping myself busy. I have to or I go nuts.

I Mean... every two weeks I owe ::

215 - Rent
25 - Shaw (which will be going up when we get cable)
50 - Groceries

I owe ::

Brits mom 400
The bank 400
My phone 400 (which got cut off now)
and
The creditors 760

And then I still need money to live off of - money for the bus and snacks for work and shit like that. I will be getting paid enough, eventually, but I really need to get all this crap paid off first. then maybe I can quit one of my jobs and I'll have more time, but right now I just owe way too much money to everybody and everything and I get so stressed out it isn't even funny. What I owe to the bank and my phone gets up-ed twice a month or something so I just feel like I'm playing a loosing battle and there is absolutely no way out.

I just need to fight through it but God... This is insane.

Anyway, I need to go get ready for work...

Have you ever had one of those days where it feels like everything is just going wrong? That's how today was for me. How long did I go since the last time I cut? Long enough I guess... and this time it was worse than ever. I don't even know why... I'm so stressed out, everything in my life is just breaking apart it feels. my body hurts, every inch of it and I can seem to stop thinking long enough to just relax and let myself be okay.

I'm so tired...

I just want to sleep so badly. I was in bed all day, and all I really want to do is go back there and lie down and fall asleep again. Everything sucks right now. I wish I could think of better words, but I can't...

25 questions that provoke thought

• What is it like to wake up every morning and pretend that you aren’t dying?

Oddly enough... I'm not sure I've ever thought of myself in the idea that I'm not dying. As we age we die and I wake every morning with the knowledge in my head that I realize I am slowly dying...

• Do you believe in the death penalty? What if someone murdered your mother in cold blood? What if someone murdered a stranger’s mother, but saved your life the month before?

It all depends on the situation. NOTHING is that black and white. Life is all a shade of grey, and should be treated as such.

• If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend

That person would totally be my friend, and I'd be just as blunt with her as she is with me. Honesty can hurt, but it's STILL honest.

• Would you rather be rich and paralyzed from the waist down or poor and able bodied?

Poor and able bodied please and thank you. money is not happiness in my world.

• What’s the most expensive gift you have ever received? Is it the best gift you have ever received?

My computer - it is the most useful, but I'm pretty sure the best gift I received was not something that was bought.

• When was the last time you lied? Is it possible to lie without saying anything at all?

Today? Yesterday...? and yes, yes it is.

• Stealing is immoral, right? But what if stealing was the only way to feed a starving child?

Steal the shit - it not that hard to make that decision.

• If I gave you $20, what percentage would you – really – save? If I gave you $200,000, what percentage would you save? Should there be a difference?

None, I'm too broke to save any of it - it'd go to food. $200,000 -- whatever I didn't need to pay off my debt and live comfortable would be saved.

• If someone could tell you the exact day and time that you are going to die, would you want them to tell you?

Yes - I'd make the most out of my life before that day. I could be happy, and make amends with all the shit I've done wrong.

• If you found out you were going to die today, would you have any regrets? Would you be happy with the way you spent the last 24 hours of your life?

No real regrets, but I would not be happy with how I spent my last 24 hours... maybe I should change something in my life?

• What’s your single greatest moment of personal failure? Looking back on it now, did it make you weaker or stronger? What did you learn?

Let me come back to this one?

• Do the words ‘freedom’ and ‘liberty’ mean not being persecuted or discriminated against, or do they mean doing whatever you please?

Freedom to me means Live and let live.

• Have you ever discriminated against someone? Imagine that a street gang notorious for wearing purple shirts has robbed and murdered several hundred people in your town. If a man wearing a purple shirt just rang your doorbell, would you answer it?

Better to be safe than sorry, love... hate to say it, but it's true.

• Is it crazier to choose to be poor or to spend 40 years of your life hating 40 hours a week?

It's crazier to spend 40 years of your life hating 40 hours a week. Be happy. you never know what could happen.

• Do you ever feel like you don’t have enough time? How many hours a week do you spend watching TV, or playing video games, or…?

I have too much time. Need to find something productive to do.

• Do you ever celebrate the green lights?

Like.. traffic lights? I don't drive...

• If you could be given another talent or ability, what would you want it to be? Have you ever – really – tried to perfect this ability in yourself?

Sing? Play guitar, something like that I think... No, I haven't... don't have the funds to buy a guitar and I'm too shy to sing when people are around.

• No matter how bad things get, are you aware that someone always has it worse than you do?

Yes, but when I'm depressed, I don't very much give a shit.

• When you help someone, do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?”

Sometimes I guess, but usually I just like being a good person...

• Joy is found with simple awareness. What does your joy look like today?

Pie... Joy is pie.

• What’s the difference between ‘living’ and ‘existing?’

Doing something you love simply because you can.

• Are you willing to sacrifice the life of your child or lover to support a war?

Not a fucking chance.

• Do you ask enough questions, or do you settle for what you know?

I constantly question shit. Knowledge is power... ask questions and listen to the fucking answer.

• If you could do it all over again, would you change anything?

Yeah - I'd not put up with all the crap I put up with in high school. I'd do that over a gain in a heartbeat.

• If your life was a novel, what would be the title and how would your story end?

Dunno - my story isn't finished yet.