Topic: What Breaks a Person

What Breaks A Person?? I'm really not sure about other people. Maybe a lost love, or the death of a favorite pet... death of a family member? Neglect / abuse / a lost of trust.

Any number of these things could break a person. Anything and everything could break a person. Even the closing of your favorite deli or restaurant. Your coffee shop running out of cream, or finding out that you no longer have Acai Berry tea or popcorn to console you.

What breaks me? 

I guess I kind of summed it up there. C is ignoring me, and has been all day. I tripled my dosage of anti-depressants and it did nothing to help the feelings coursing through me. I started cutting again. I kind of want to right now but the only knife I have near me is a virgin blade (it's never drawn blood) and because I use it for wiccan rituals, I hope to keep it that way.

Scott is here, so that's probably why, but it doesn't matter, because I've been meaning to ignore her over the next little while anyway. It's not like there's any real tension between us, but I want us to just be friends. I want a real relationship where the person I'm dating is about to go fuck her best friend. Is that so much to ask? Heh, whatever, she ignores me around Ca anyway. 

I'm done being depressed about this shit. It's just not worth it to pine over something that will never happen. This is what breaks me; how easy it is too break me, to hurt me, to make me cry and make me feel like I'm worthless. I do, ya know... 

Everyone... everyone can make me feel this way without even trying. One thing, one sentence, one word can set me off and it's not safe. These feeling aren't safe. I need a stress leave from work before I kill myself. I'm not far off right now. It's scary... It's so scary how depressed I am right now.

Life hurts, getting up in the morning hurts, looking at my friends and pretending I'm fine hurts... It all hurt. Everything hurts. I just want to curl up in a little ball and bleed out and just wait. Just wait out the pain and try to forget. 

In the end, I am ultimately my own downfall. I break me. My thoughts and feelings are slowly destroying me. how do I stop this? Is there a way to stop any of it??

Topic: S. eX// LAIN

"Humans are alone, they're connected to no one, no one at all"

                     - Serial Experiments Lain // Layer 04: Religion

Todays Topic? I guess you could say religion... or human behavior. I don't see much in the way of a difference really. Religion is what I believe has corrupted us as human beings. I believe that is what makes us who we are, and I do not believe it is a good thing. 

Religion, is used for selfish purposes I think... I do not believe it is right to put the blame of your so called sins or your temptations on a deity so as to dismiss yourself from any sort of blame. It seems to be something a lot of people do --- "God did not help me overcome 'this', It is Satan's fault for tempting me, It was Gods will..." You know what? NO - no it wasn't.

It is not Gods will to cast out family members, or shun others because they do not fit into your version of what the bible means. Satan does not tempt you, you are just to weak to admit to yourself that it is a want of your mind and your body - you tempt yourself, and you are the only one who can 'save' yourself from these temptations. 

I do not want to insult anyone's beliefs in what I'm writing here. I do not want you to think that I hate you for something that I believe is wrong and often times selfish. I do realize that not everyone lets their religion corrupt their thought, feelings, beliefs, lives...

Unfortunately, there are so many who do. So many who twist the bibles sayings and their Gods words into whatever they think it should mean at whatever moment to serve themselves. I do not think it is right to let a religion control your thoughts. It is important to let yourself think for yourselves.... Does that make sense? Do you understand what I am trying to say?

I need to post this blog unfinished for the simple fact that I will probably insult way to many people. 

I hate religion.

I do not think it is good for us.

Learn to think for yourself.

Learn to believe in yourself.

Learn that your faults are your own, and that what you don't like about yourself, is something only you alone can change. 

It is YOUR will power that will get you through your life.

Your thoughts, feelings and beliefs should be your own, not something that is told to you through a book.

Remember that you are no better than those you look down on.

Learn to realize that one day - GOD will not be there for you and you will have to protect and save yourself.

...

              --- I am not a Satanist, but I believe they are the ones who have the right idea. And if I had to choose a religion; that one would be it.

Moved In

So I'm all moved in here which is nice. My room is still a mess, but that's okay because half of it belongs to C and C for their business. It makes it hard for me to unpack my shit, but that's alright, I get it done eventually.

I was supposed to go out with B on Sunday but fuck him - he ditched. Not that I can really blame him, his GF was there occupying his time - good for her, white trash bitch. anyway, whatever it doesn't matter. I'm kinda tired of being the "other girl" when it comes to relationships, and I'd be fucking stupid if I though I was the only one T was seeing while we dated. Whatever.

It's really not worth it, it never is. All this relationship bullshit. What's the point really?? I'm not sure I understand... If I wanted to just go out and get laid, I'm sure I could... and that, it seems, is all B and I would do.... despite us being friends, the GF always comes first (as she should). It is rather frustrating though.

*sigh* Whatever, I'm on my way to work now, so I should run... 

or..

Maybe I'll sail away to singapore.

Zydrate Comes in a Little Glass Vial

So ... What do I say? 

I'm moving tomorrow - Or supposed to be but you never know mom wants to keep me here as long as possible, but I really really want to move *sigh*. I guess it doesn't matter much. Everything is packed... and shit - I just realized I'm going out of town for a bit and I'll need some clothes and stuff - Well this sucks I need to unpack some stuff fuck.

Oh well - as I said; everything is packed, save my bedding and bathroom stuff. And well - computer obviously haha... I am very excited for this. 

AND - did you notice the title is a link? Yes, yes it is - to Repo! The Genetic Opera. It looks like quite the movie and I am quite excited for it to be released. I'm also excited for the soundtrack which comes out September 30th... I think that's right. 

I know all the lyrics to 'Zydrate Anatomy' It's an amazing song - and the movie clip is just as amazing. I've listed to it over 100 times now and I just can't get over it. I love this song. 

I most certainly recommend checking out the site because it's pretty much amazing.

C, C and I are anxiously awaiting its release.

You Tell Me

OKAY

So... I don't really know what to say here because I'm not sure what Friday meant... what that kiss meant, but here I go anyway. Despite the fact that I'm kinda going out on a limb to get hurt again, and maybe that's my own fault.

I miss you. Really really really miss you and I don't know what else I'm supposed to say. Ever since friday I've been so out of it because I can't stop thinking about you and about us and how we were before I moved and I feel like shit because I can't help but wonder 'what if I didn't go to BC?' And what if that was kind of.. my big mistake?

I dunno if you noticed every time you made me cry when we were talking, like when you said you treated me like shit - because you didn't. You are... you were (?) the best friend a girl could ask for. You're amazing and no one has treated me like that before or since then, and it hurts. I loved that feeling.

I do remember the night where we didn't do anything or the times when we'd just lie in bed after and whatever... and... I dunno, maybe it was just me - but I really liked those nights (don't get me wrong you're great in bed!) or the nights when we'd go out for coffee and stuff like that and I miss it. I miss you.

Fuck -- now this probably just sounds stupid...

So okay fuck... You kissed me! What the hell was that?? I liked it, I want it - but all it did is make me want more and I can't have more because you have a GF ...

What am I supposed to do?

I really... really need you to tell me, because I don't know anymore.

 

Cheese Cake

I'm going to see B... We're going for coffee - Is that odd? Should it be odd? Should I feel bad for his white trash whore of a girlfriend?

I don't.

At all. 

In fact, I feel quite good that we are still friends and that we are going for coffee. It makes me glad that we can do that. It makes sense to me... Maybe it shouldn't. I'm really not sure. 

In the end it doesn't matter, I don't think anyway. I really don't think there's a point in any of this mattering. Whatever. It's just coffee. Everybody goes for coffee hell - J and I used to go for coffee and if I thought he'd want to - I'd prolly invite Ct out for coffee as well.

A and I and B and T used to go out for coffee.

Coffee

I love coffee...

Hahaha! Hell - I met B over a cup of nice warm coffee and a plate of cheese cake. Life is good.

Well As long as I have coffee - life is good. ^^

Fringe Me

God... what do I say right now? I feel bad ... A and I went to the fringe with one of my friends, L, and her friend... and hmm.

It was fun! I ran into a lot of people! Hell, even B was there with his bitch whore of a girlfriend that glared at me as she put her glittery sparkly lip gloss on like the fucking bitch whore she is and I wanted to slap her. What a whore, man what a whore!

L was there!! I haven't seen her in so long! and me and A tried calling C, but she was crashed out after classes, so that didn't work all too well. It was fun none the less, made a few new buddies which is cool, and met up with C for a bit there! that guy is fucking sexy as hell! Damn... 

Anyway.. that's not all this post is about... I feel bad. 

I feel really really bad...

Because D and A want me to move in with them... and I can't right now because the place I am moving into is in such a perfect perfect spot. and I honestly think it's the best place I could find right now. I just.. I feel bad because of it. Their having a really really hard time getting money and the such together and i feel like such a shit I dunno what to do!

*sigh*

I really really need a hug.