I'm getting my hair done.
I'm getting my nails done.
I'm going to join a gym.
Cuz I want to look good for you
Cuz I want to impress you
Cuz I feel like I need to
Maybe my work will make us a pretty little home...
Don't want to give up our pretty little home.
Did the dishes for two hours yesterday;
Cleaned the house to make you happy.
Thank you for saying thanks,
It's nice to feel appreciated.
Okay - I'm done being a little poet. But yeah, as I was saying, I'm getting my hair cut. I will draw a picture of how I want it in a bit, and then I can actually explain how it's going to look. Anyway, it's going to be awesome!
I am also getting my nails done, and yes; I am going to join a gym. Steph and I decided that it is a new year, and we deserve to feel good about ourselves. We deserve it! maybe I will even be able to afford a new outfit ^_^!! I'm so happy today, it feels good to have all these plans.
Thursday
Tuesday
I Might Distort Myself A Bit
Sitting here on a lonely Tuesday night listening to The Faint on Last.fm (and similar artists, of course) trying to find a few new bands that might hold my interest for a while. I have been looking for some new music. I have found a few so far.
::Beep Beep
::Cursive
::Fischerspooner
::The Rapture
::The Presets
Things have been going mostly okay right now. James is kinda acting.. weird. Can't put my finger on it right now, but I feel like somethings up... It's hard to say with him. I'm not going to waste time worrying about it right now though. I am being too happy listening to music, and learning to be independent from him.
Music is making me happy right now. Beyond belief. I can't wait to get some of this stuff downloaded. It's really quite exciting hahaha!!
ba da da da baa ba ba
Yeah - leave me alone to listen to my muziks now please... IMA Robot SUCKS! wow... bad song for a moment there. But wow, I haven't heard a female singer in a long time i like this much (Felix da Housecat)
So whatever - maybe I should actually let this go somewhere sometime eh?
My friend Steph broke up with her 2 1/2 year boyfriend about four days ago... Damn. I guess you can never really see it coming. Well actually, that is a lie. She needed to get rid of him, he bordered on abuse I think. Mostly because of his drinking (mood swings and blackouts like mad fuck) I only met him like 3 times and he seemed not so cool pretty much every time.
I'm proud of her for getting rid of him. Good job Girl!!
----------
Other news: Old news to be more specific
- Tynera came over a couple times last week which was really really nice. I didn't realize how much i missed hanging out with her until she showed up and was the same old Tear I always knew and fell in love with.
- Work is BALLZ we got a raise, yes, but they are cutting back our hours so it hardly even matters. Fucking manegment doesn't know shit about what our job includes and they think it's o easy to get the rooms spotless and it isn't! It just isn't. Everyone is getting pissed off, but we are just housekeepers, so no one listens to us, no one cares and the entire thing is a waste of time.
BOGUS!
:: Newer News
- Brandon knows; that is all I have to say about that.
- Brandon met James, and hopefully they do a jam session here sometime soon, because I would like to see Autaric get in some gigs here in Saskatoon so I can actually go and see my man on stage!
- TUG was okay... no complaints. Not a whole lot happened, Curt ignored me all night which was odd, but hey, he was hanging out with some cracked out twat so whatever. Seriously, the chick was fucked, ask anyone. TOPIC CHANGE:: Angel's set was really really good! We are going to TUG again on the 31st, which will be fun. More gothy nights to go around my dears. I'm looking forward to it.
- My week is busy. Tomorrow I am meeting with mom for coffee, and going to Angels, and maybe going to see Curt sing kereokee... not too sure about that one though. I am supossed to go hang out with him on Thursday night, and then Amanda and I are going to Divas on Friday - so yeah... busy busy busy....
Not sure how I'm going to deal with it all to be honest.
Anyway, my back is sore, and I'm kinda tired, and I need to sleep I guess ... LOL fuck
::Beep Beep
::Cursive
::Fischerspooner
::The Rapture
::The Presets
Things have been going mostly okay right now. James is kinda acting.. weird. Can't put my finger on it right now, but I feel like somethings up... It's hard to say with him. I'm not going to waste time worrying about it right now though. I am being too happy listening to music, and learning to be independent from him.
Music is making me happy right now. Beyond belief. I can't wait to get some of this stuff downloaded. It's really quite exciting hahaha!!
ba da da da baa ba ba
Yeah - leave me alone to listen to my muziks now please... IMA Robot SUCKS! wow... bad song for a moment there. But wow, I haven't heard a female singer in a long time i like this much (Felix da Housecat)
So whatever - maybe I should actually let this go somewhere sometime eh?
My friend Steph broke up with her 2 1/2 year boyfriend about four days ago... Damn. I guess you can never really see it coming. Well actually, that is a lie. She needed to get rid of him, he bordered on abuse I think. Mostly because of his drinking (mood swings and blackouts like mad fuck) I only met him like 3 times and he seemed not so cool pretty much every time.
I'm proud of her for getting rid of him. Good job Girl!!
----------
Other news: Old news to be more specific
- Tynera came over a couple times last week which was really really nice. I didn't realize how much i missed hanging out with her until she showed up and was the same old Tear I always knew and fell in love with.
- Work is BALLZ we got a raise, yes, but they are cutting back our hours so it hardly even matters. Fucking manegment doesn't know shit about what our job includes and they think it's o easy to get the rooms spotless and it isn't! It just isn't. Everyone is getting pissed off, but we are just housekeepers, so no one listens to us, no one cares and the entire thing is a waste of time.
BOGUS!
:: Newer News
- Brandon knows; that is all I have to say about that.
- Brandon met James, and hopefully they do a jam session here sometime soon, because I would like to see Autaric get in some gigs here in Saskatoon so I can actually go and see my man on stage!
- TUG was okay... no complaints. Not a whole lot happened, Curt ignored me all night which was odd, but hey, he was hanging out with some cracked out twat so whatever. Seriously, the chick was fucked, ask anyone. TOPIC CHANGE:: Angel's set was really really good! We are going to TUG again on the 31st, which will be fun. More gothy nights to go around my dears. I'm looking forward to it.
- My week is busy. Tomorrow I am meeting with mom for coffee, and going to Angels, and maybe going to see Curt sing kereokee... not too sure about that one though. I am supossed to go hang out with him on Thursday night, and then Amanda and I are going to Divas on Friday - so yeah... busy busy busy....
Not sure how I'm going to deal with it all to be honest.
Anyway, my back is sore, and I'm kinda tired, and I need to sleep I guess ... LOL fuck
Monday
Old old journal
http://biziktin666.blogspot.com
I do not want to loose that journal. There is so much in there that I am so afraid of reading but one day... one day I will go back and read it all. One day.
I do not want to loose that journal. There is so much in there that I am so afraid of reading but one day... one day I will go back and read it all. One day.
I Want A Guy Like This
I want a guy who knows how to talk
I want a guy who knows how to love
I want a guy who knows how to fuck
I want a guy who knows how to touch
I don't want to be lied to
Don't want to be tossed aside
I don't want to be cheated on
Can't live with that kind of guy
I want a guy who makes me feel special
I want a guy who climbs through my window
I want a guy who takes cheesecake seriously
I want a guy who listens honestly
I don't want to take second place to drugs
Don't want him to watch lesbians fuck
I don't want to go to bed alone
Can't feel neglected and scorned
I want a guy who has his nipples pierced
I want a guy with tattoos and long hair
I want a guy who isn't to metal to take me to shows
I want a guy who doesn't like toes
I don't want to be hated
Don't want to take second place
I don't feel like I'm in the way
Don't want to feel ashamed
I want a guy who will fuck me against brick walls
I want a guy who will take pride as my master
I want a guy who never says never
I want a guy who can hold me forever
A Series of Unfortunate Poems
Yea, the last night I saw Brandon before leaving to BC he wrote me this poem
One last time
To say hello
One last time
To not let go
One last time
To run out the door
One last time
To see you four seconds more
One last time
To hold you in my arms
One last time
To keep you safe from harm
One last time
To lie naked together
One last time
To never say never
One last time
To talk about our dreams
One last time
To explain stupid schemes
One last time
To walk you up the stairs
One last time
It's not fair
One last time
To kiss you goodbye
Maybe the last time
... Maybe not
:: Written about Brandon ::
The End
And he already promised
I would get hurt
And he already told me
He lies
And my mother doesn’t like him much
She knows he plays around
But in the end
It really doesn’t matter
I need him here
And I need him now
And don’t think about the future
Don’t think about the past
Now is all that counts
And my mother told me
To watch my heart
And she told me
I would get hurt
And she really doesn’t like him much
She knows he’s plays around
In the end it doesn’t matter
Can’t think about the future
Don’t think about the past
And tomorrow I might be crying
Last week I felt like dying
He breaks my heart
But that’s okay
He’s here now
Because none of it really matters
The future is not planned
And three years from now
I could hate him
Still need him
He’d be there
Hating me
Needing me
In the end
It's been 3 years
And guess what,
You're still here
And I still hate you
Need you
Feel you
Breath you
You broke my heart but that's okay
Cuz you're here now
and It's not going to change.
maybe i just need to find that guy that makes you constantly feel sick and in a good way
...She Knows Exactly How I feel....
-i want to find a guy that basically will have sex everywhere
-and i want a guy that can just lift me up and fuck me against a wall...
-my fantasy is to be fucked against a wall
-i had one guy pin me up against the wall and crazily make out with me and it was like the hottest thing EVER
-maybe i needed an std or a kid for him to be into me
--- This poem was written by her ---
It was hard to see me leaving you
Now it’s hard to see why I was with you
Lost myself in your tangled web of lies
Knowing something was wrong
But as sick as it was I felt I belonged
Why did I let this go on so long?
All that happened is now I am alone
Everyone says maybe it is for the best
But at the moment I feel and emptiness
In my heart I know it was the right thing to do
For my happiness was dwindling
The part of you I loved was not the real you
You were about lying cheating and fakeness
But I got to face this
You and I were never meant to be
I gave you my everything
I gave you my all
And all I did was fall
Fall for a guy that would go out of his way to break
The heart of a girl truly in love with him
Now she has to recover from sleepless nights
A broken heart and blood shot eyes
Left dry from all the tears she’s cried
I was there through it everything
Just to be the girl on the side
I took your side over my friends countless times
I was even with you while you were sniffing lines
A guy I thought actually loved me turned into
A guy I hate as nearly as much as my father
I guess I was not enough
You had to go get with bitches that were rough
I hope it was worth it in the end
Now I’m hoping you are sitting there thinking
Thinking that you have made the biggest mistake of your life
I’m going to forget you
But I will never forgive you
...
-I want a guy that I will be his only drug
Not a guy that will leave you second to his drugs
-I want to be the only girl he wants to watch
Not a guy obsessed with watching lesbians
-i want to find a guy that basically will have sex everywhere
-and i want a guy that can just lift me up and fuck me against a wall...
-my fantasy is to be fucked against a wall
-i had one guy pin me up against the wall and crazily make out with me and it was like the hottest thing EVER
-maybe i needed an std or a kid for him to be into me
--- This poem was written by her ---
It was hard to see me leaving you
Now it’s hard to see why I was with you
Lost myself in your tangled web of lies
Knowing something was wrong
But as sick as it was I felt I belonged
Why did I let this go on so long?
All that happened is now I am alone
Everyone says maybe it is for the best
But at the moment I feel and emptiness
In my heart I know it was the right thing to do
For my happiness was dwindling
The part of you I loved was not the real you
You were about lying cheating and fakeness
But I got to face this
You and I were never meant to be
I gave you my everything
I gave you my all
And all I did was fall
Fall for a guy that would go out of his way to break
The heart of a girl truly in love with him
Now she has to recover from sleepless nights
A broken heart and blood shot eyes
Left dry from all the tears she’s cried
I was there through it everything
Just to be the girl on the side
I took your side over my friends countless times
I was even with you while you were sniffing lines
A guy I thought actually loved me turned into
A guy I hate as nearly as much as my father
I guess I was not enough
You had to go get with bitches that were rough
I hope it was worth it in the end
Now I’m hoping you are sitting there thinking
Thinking that you have made the biggest mistake of your life
I’m going to forget you
But I will never forgive you
...
-I want a guy that I will be his only drug
Not a guy that will leave you second to his drugs
-I want to be the only girl he wants to watch
Not a guy obsessed with watching lesbians
The REASON why he is my Heroin
You!!! you you! look, I pulled snoop again and read your journal entry on "welcome to my nightmare". Giving a phonecall and talking would be more my style, but I imagine it'd be alot more akward for you and...well just not so swell. Anyway, maybe I'm making too big a deal of things, because I understand that when you write you are most likely not all that tranquil, but let me take it seriously and try not to get it all wrong.
I'm a primitive person, I can't think of concepts like 'future' without meeting many of invincible obstacles which I can only beat when I get there. I act on impulse, if there is nothing there, I do little, as when I'm intrigued, I'll move. I can't say what I will or won't do, and quite frankly I am not worth your trust. I don't "date" and I just may never will till I'm 'matured', but...to get around all that crap talk...
1: There is no real immediate problem we had handle currently is there? I mean, we can worry about tomorrow, or I can come over tonight and we can run off somewhere...'specially now when it's warm in day and not too cold at night.
2: Although I can't be trusted, I WILL BE HONEST, not the kind that keeps secrets, I keep things in best interests and I talk...a lot
3: It's completely natural to be clingy, although honestly you haven't been at all clingy with me so far. It's good to be scared, it means to me that you have a value on relationships you already have, it flatters me but please watch that it doesn't turn destructive, you can do everything on your own, on your own you can get anything you
want. But if you are lonely or you are in need, you can take me for a shoulder to lean, or a pillar of strength, I don't sleep so often at nights and I don't live with parents you can call late night, but...I have exams and I'm ditching out, I feel rough about that(it's all over tomorrow).
As for the drinking thing...I don't think I got a drinking problem, I know you are plagued by your mothers
everyday, so it only makes sense that you don't want to be around it. So I think I owe you an apology for leaving gross stale beer in your closet for almost a month. Also, like I don't like weed my buddies seem to not do that around me, I won't go and sit under the bridge and be drinking beers. Kinda disrespectful ya know? Before you can say "it doesn't bother me" well probly but i'm just going to anyway or whatever. Yeesh, I've gone on so long again? I'm real sorry it's kinda pathetic, as you don't tell things to me in person, you make up for in coherent writing. I feel sorry for you having to go through this probable long writing of crap, so i'ma try to slow down and make more sense here on. --->
Sometimes I get really weirded out late nights, my psyche is in disarray but I think things are slowly making more sense and I'm understanding myself more(I'm always talking about myself). Sometimes I just want to see people or significant others dissapointed in me or I want to see people angry, not so much angry but I can't find the word. I'm serious when I talk about hate being a great thing, because it is a great thing. I'm not going nuts tonight either! but despite my bullshit, you put up with me. I talked with larissa, one of my old girlfriends who hears stuff about/from me from time-to-time (she's still kinda close to me I just don't talk to her all that often, and incase you might think ahead, no...we aren't...like, that... I see her more as my sister, and I'm quite sure she see's me the same way).Anyway, she told me that it sounds like lately I've been settling down and that I should find a nice older girlfriend who'd take care of me. I told her about Marie baking me food and made a funny, but...the other night you lemme go in and eat your food, which was VERY nice, although I probably didn't express my appreciation at the time. Man I gotta stop, I could go all night and not make a single point. okay this time I'll try even harder to be concise. --->
"Dating" is such a big thing in our society, I think it's silly to vow on anything, because obligations and words...are just that, and they enslave people. I work in different ways. I've dated for over 3 years it's not the words or fear of her being angry with me that stopped me from cheating. Although my lust wants me to be free to experience the far-flung world and 'taste the forbidden fruits' it's not my choice to be thinking about the "love" she promised me in my old town, when I'm with some equally nice people. But after enough time, I've gotten used to this, i'm not complaining, i'm not in pain i don't want to see her again it's just, that. I kind of live like that now, I see you, I like you, a lot. I am not going to go off telling you every little thing I feel because, well I don't want to make things cheap like that. Or I don't want you to think I'm so attached. I try to keep it down. But when I go to a concert or I get hit on at univ, I don't try to avoid them, I don't go after them either, and they don't make me uncomfortable, but I don't really got a choice. I just don't feel interested in whoever, and nothing happens. That's just the way it's been. Last party this alyssa girl kept hitting me with this plastic cane, but i was like whatever. then later i was hangin out in someone's room when this same chick came and pushed me onto the bed. (k here's the better part) I got up, took the cane and hit her on the back of the calf moderately hard, called her a whore, and was out of the room. You mighta heard this story or you might have not, I tend to repeat but I don't think i said it yet. Yeah it was kinda mean and my buddies were kinda like..."wha?" and maybe I shulda been less...vulgar, I mean...I did have "fuck me" on my chest, soooo yeah. But that's the kinda bastard I am. But anyway.
Maybe I don't like dating because it implies things, you expect things. Don't expect anything from me other than honesty, and that I'll come when you call me, (unless it's like bullshit like I'm at work and you can't find the
remote control or whatever the fuck could happen). Then again, I know you go out to the underground, and you got dudes out there who CAN dance, unlike me, and hey, it's good to dance. Don't picture me standing there shaking my head like "no" cuz i'd want you to have fun. I don't want you to feel obligated, or trapped. yet there are times when I start noticing I'm 'going under' and realise I ain't getting out of your bed until I have to go to work. I figure I just don't want to give everything to you, lose control, because if I did see you everyday, and I did call you like 11:30pm wenesday nights all the time for no reason. I probly would fall in and i'd wakeup someday who knows how far long later and live in a trailor with like eight kids and the tv would be on of like re-runs of jerry springer and I'd be horridly obese and wearin' a dirty white tanktop yelling at my kid Jeffery-
bedford about bringin me the remote and to change his brothers diaper. Maybe I'm just afraid of getting serious because I know I'd fuck things up again. But like you said, maybe making a mistake would be nice. But I don't got no intentions of me becoming one of your mistakes. you probly didn't even mean it that way but it almost makes sense to me, just kinda kick it sometimes and see what comes out. well I'm going to stop writing thoughts as they come, since i WILL go on soooo fucking much by the time you finish you just won't care anymore. Maybe i'll reply in short bursts that make more sense...yeah.
As for your grad, I won't be upset if you find someone other than me to bring to grad. It's YOUR grad, not mine. Just try to have alot of fun, if you take someone else, I'll just imagine they either have alot better fashion sense than me, or they know how to dance better, OR, the remote chance that they might somehow, or some miraculous way, have wooed you. No seriously, I understand I'm not the only person in town, and there are many people you have history with/whatever. Just have fun.
Dating, remember a ways back? you said you didn't want to date me. I remember then, I was like, "so if I asked you out you'd say no?" sorry to bring it up but fooling around is a good thing. I'm glad you are like that, it's good. I'm also just glad to know you. You are a fun person to be around and i've spent many of hours just doing nothing, staring at you in the face, the most boring of all things people could do, and be happy. You're very cute how you hide your face or how your cheeks get really firm when you smile big. K, enuf of that flowery crap, I just read the above and almost deleted it, but I rarely delete what I write. I probly should, like this right now but anyway.
Go to BC! I will miss you be sure. But don't hold back! I don't want to sound like a hippee but "let your spirt free" just do whatever you want. If you are curious about other men there, well, I can't stop you, I don't neccisarily encourage...obviously, but just be free. If anything happens, well, maybe you couldn't be honest with me, maybe I'd never know, most likely I wouldn't know if...BUT! I'd hope that you would at least know whats out there, and in knowing that, you may not be interested in me anymore, or you may feel compelled to tell me about it, maybe it'd make things stronger. Or maybe nothing would happen in the first place because, well, I imagine you might feel as I do and it just couldn't work. That is all negative thinking really. But i'm overconfident, maybe it's a good thing for me to think about. whatever. As for me "setting eyes on someone else", you shouldn't worry. Although it's probly totally natural I suppose. Just because I might not talk to you like all that much a week, it's not that I'm out tramping around, it's not that I'm overbusy. It's more like I just get a phonecall or msn'd by friends, and i'm out like that. I usually try *not to* call you most nights, because well, maybe I'd get annoying or maybe I know it's not good for me. I really don't want to have a girlfriend worry about me, or to worry about her, and all those negative aspects that come from it, but sometimes I can't really escape it anyway. Maybe I'll just give in eventually and like pull myself from my metaphysical "relationship cemetary", and chain myself to you somewhere's else. Maybe I'm a little mentally unstable? Maybe I'm kind of scary? well i get scared sometimes too. Maybe I'm a coward too. Maybe that's why I like my primitive "do what feels good now, don't worry 'bout the future". Going to BC could be a mistake, but just do it if you aren't happy here. Seein' cuts on you well, it probly doesn't help telling you but it uh, it pretty much hurts me to see it. If you were to vanish off one day, just gone, like somewhere else BC or whatever, like you told me you were going and that was it, I don't wanna creep you out too much but, that'd oh so very much greatly suck, I may just chase after you for awhile.
Yeesh, I oughta just stop, maybe words i really can't get my points across unless I'm in person, body language, you know. maybe I won't ever be able to communicate unless one of us learns to put coherent sentances together. I'm trying I am, but for the life of me I can't put my thoughts/ideas into words it's pathetic and aggravating. Don't be afraid to gimmie a call sometime or to just tell me whatever, I talk about "stupid things" all the time. and i'm not all that much emotional I'm not going to snap on you for saying something that would offend me. I don't think of you unintelligent either, I like it when you talk to me. Even if it's just about whatever that I don't understand, that I can pretend to understand but you look at me and know I know so little.
K I know i'm fault ridden, you might feel as if some things are wrong or going wrong. But if you think of the now, just talk to me, if you can, I was just trying to bore you with the guitar after awhile, I didn't even really care to play besides testing you. By time you wore me out, you were like :| from being tired,(is that smiley going to work?). Pretty juvenile eh? but, just gimmie a call or drop a message, I can think of better things than laying in bed all day, although it's still cool. Something simple like hangin' out at the bridge is nice too, but whatever. If I'm too boring forgive me, sometimes I just feel sluggish. You aren't difficult, it's ME! That is obvious. If you insist that I'm worth more than being a friend, know that I'm not worth it, I make a horrible boyfriend. But whatever you ask of me, whatever you need, if you can pinpoint it. If I can do it, just ask it of me. If you can write it down, then write it, I'd prefer hearing it from you. Sometimes I'm left with a feeling like my shoelaces are untied and something needs to be said, maybe that's why I go on. But really, you can joke and say, "cheesecake" that's easy, but sometimes it seems there is something else that you really want from me.
Brady Cline, Brady Cline, Brady Cline, Brady CLine, Brady Cline!
I'm a primitive person, I can't think of concepts like 'future' without meeting many of invincible obstacles which I can only beat when I get there. I act on impulse, if there is nothing there, I do little, as when I'm intrigued, I'll move. I can't say what I will or won't do, and quite frankly I am not worth your trust. I don't "date" and I just may never will till I'm 'matured', but...to get around all that crap talk...
1: There is no real immediate problem we had handle currently is there? I mean, we can worry about tomorrow, or I can come over tonight and we can run off somewhere...'specially now when it's warm in day and not too cold at night.
2: Although I can't be trusted, I WILL BE HONEST, not the kind that keeps secrets, I keep things in best interests and I talk...a lot
3: It's completely natural to be clingy, although honestly you haven't been at all clingy with me so far. It's good to be scared, it means to me that you have a value on relationships you already have, it flatters me but please watch that it doesn't turn destructive, you can do everything on your own, on your own you can get anything you
want. But if you are lonely or you are in need, you can take me for a shoulder to lean, or a pillar of strength, I don't sleep so often at nights and I don't live with parents you can call late night, but...I have exams and I'm ditching out, I feel rough about that(it's all over tomorrow).
As for the drinking thing...I don't think I got a drinking problem, I know you are plagued by your mothers
everyday, so it only makes sense that you don't want to be around it. So I think I owe you an apology for leaving gross stale beer in your closet for almost a month. Also, like I don't like weed my buddies seem to not do that around me, I won't go and sit under the bridge and be drinking beers. Kinda disrespectful ya know? Before you can say "it doesn't bother me" well probly but i'm just going to anyway or whatever. Yeesh, I've gone on so long again? I'm real sorry it's kinda pathetic, as you don't tell things to me in person, you make up for in coherent writing. I feel sorry for you having to go through this probable long writing of crap, so i'ma try to slow down and make more sense here on. --->
Sometimes I get really weirded out late nights, my psyche is in disarray but I think things are slowly making more sense and I'm understanding myself more(I'm always talking about myself). Sometimes I just want to see people or significant others dissapointed in me or I want to see people angry, not so much angry but I can't find the word. I'm serious when I talk about hate being a great thing, because it is a great thing. I'm not going nuts tonight either! but despite my bullshit, you put up with me. I talked with larissa, one of my old girlfriends who hears stuff about/from me from time-to-time (she's still kinda close to me I just don't talk to her all that often, and incase you might think ahead, no...we aren't...like, that... I see her more as my sister, and I'm quite sure she see's me the same way).Anyway, she told me that it sounds like lately I've been settling down and that I should find a nice older girlfriend who'd take care of me. I told her about Marie baking me food and made a funny, but...the other night you lemme go in and eat your food, which was VERY nice, although I probably didn't express my appreciation at the time. Man I gotta stop, I could go all night and not make a single point. okay this time I'll try even harder to be concise. --->
"Dating" is such a big thing in our society, I think it's silly to vow on anything, because obligations and words...are just that, and they enslave people. I work in different ways. I've dated for over 3 years it's not the words or fear of her being angry with me that stopped me from cheating. Although my lust wants me to be free to experience the far-flung world and 'taste the forbidden fruits' it's not my choice to be thinking about the "love" she promised me in my old town, when I'm with some equally nice people. But after enough time, I've gotten used to this, i'm not complaining, i'm not in pain i don't want to see her again it's just, that. I kind of live like that now, I see you, I like you, a lot. I am not going to go off telling you every little thing I feel because, well I don't want to make things cheap like that. Or I don't want you to think I'm so attached. I try to keep it down. But when I go to a concert or I get hit on at univ, I don't try to avoid them, I don't go after them either, and they don't make me uncomfortable, but I don't really got a choice. I just don't feel interested in whoever, and nothing happens. That's just the way it's been. Last party this alyssa girl kept hitting me with this plastic cane, but i was like whatever. then later i was hangin out in someone's room when this same chick came and pushed me onto the bed. (k here's the better part) I got up, took the cane and hit her on the back of the calf moderately hard, called her a whore, and was out of the room. You mighta heard this story or you might have not, I tend to repeat but I don't think i said it yet. Yeah it was kinda mean and my buddies were kinda like..."wha?" and maybe I shulda been less...vulgar, I mean...I did have "fuck me" on my chest, soooo yeah. But that's the kinda bastard I am. But anyway.
Maybe I don't like dating because it implies things, you expect things. Don't expect anything from me other than honesty, and that I'll come when you call me, (unless it's like bullshit like I'm at work and you can't find the
remote control or whatever the fuck could happen). Then again, I know you go out to the underground, and you got dudes out there who CAN dance, unlike me, and hey, it's good to dance. Don't picture me standing there shaking my head like "no" cuz i'd want you to have fun. I don't want you to feel obligated, or trapped. yet there are times when I start noticing I'm 'going under' and realise I ain't getting out of your bed until I have to go to work. I figure I just don't want to give everything to you, lose control, because if I did see you everyday, and I did call you like 11:30pm wenesday nights all the time for no reason. I probly would fall in and i'd wakeup someday who knows how far long later and live in a trailor with like eight kids and the tv would be on of like re-runs of jerry springer and I'd be horridly obese and wearin' a dirty white tanktop yelling at my kid Jeffery-
bedford about bringin me the remote and to change his brothers diaper. Maybe I'm just afraid of getting serious because I know I'd fuck things up again. But like you said, maybe making a mistake would be nice. But I don't got no intentions of me becoming one of your mistakes. you probly didn't even mean it that way but it almost makes sense to me, just kinda kick it sometimes and see what comes out. well I'm going to stop writing thoughts as they come, since i WILL go on soooo fucking much by the time you finish you just won't care anymore. Maybe i'll reply in short bursts that make more sense...yeah.
As for your grad, I won't be upset if you find someone other than me to bring to grad. It's YOUR grad, not mine. Just try to have alot of fun, if you take someone else, I'll just imagine they either have alot better fashion sense than me, or they know how to dance better, OR, the remote chance that they might somehow, or some miraculous way, have wooed you. No seriously, I understand I'm not the only person in town, and there are many people you have history with/whatever. Just have fun.
Dating, remember a ways back? you said you didn't want to date me. I remember then, I was like, "so if I asked you out you'd say no?" sorry to bring it up but fooling around is a good thing. I'm glad you are like that, it's good. I'm also just glad to know you. You are a fun person to be around and i've spent many of hours just doing nothing, staring at you in the face, the most boring of all things people could do, and be happy. You're very cute how you hide your face or how your cheeks get really firm when you smile big. K, enuf of that flowery crap, I just read the above and almost deleted it, but I rarely delete what I write. I probly should, like this right now but anyway.
Go to BC! I will miss you be sure. But don't hold back! I don't want to sound like a hippee but "let your spirt free" just do whatever you want. If you are curious about other men there, well, I can't stop you, I don't neccisarily encourage...obviously, but just be free. If anything happens, well, maybe you couldn't be honest with me, maybe I'd never know, most likely I wouldn't know if...BUT! I'd hope that you would at least know whats out there, and in knowing that, you may not be interested in me anymore, or you may feel compelled to tell me about it, maybe it'd make things stronger. Or maybe nothing would happen in the first place because, well, I imagine you might feel as I do and it just couldn't work. That is all negative thinking really. But i'm overconfident, maybe it's a good thing for me to think about. whatever. As for me "setting eyes on someone else", you shouldn't worry. Although it's probly totally natural I suppose. Just because I might not talk to you like all that much a week, it's not that I'm out tramping around, it's not that I'm overbusy. It's more like I just get a phonecall or msn'd by friends, and i'm out like that. I usually try *not to* call you most nights, because well, maybe I'd get annoying or maybe I know it's not good for me. I really don't want to have a girlfriend worry about me, or to worry about her, and all those negative aspects that come from it, but sometimes I can't really escape it anyway. Maybe I'll just give in eventually and like pull myself from my metaphysical "relationship cemetary", and chain myself to you somewhere's else. Maybe I'm a little mentally unstable? Maybe I'm kind of scary? well i get scared sometimes too. Maybe I'm a coward too. Maybe that's why I like my primitive "do what feels good now, don't worry 'bout the future". Going to BC could be a mistake, but just do it if you aren't happy here. Seein' cuts on you well, it probly doesn't help telling you but it uh, it pretty much hurts me to see it. If you were to vanish off one day, just gone, like somewhere else BC or whatever, like you told me you were going and that was it, I don't wanna creep you out too much but, that'd oh so very much greatly suck, I may just chase after you for awhile.
Yeesh, I oughta just stop, maybe words i really can't get my points across unless I'm in person, body language, you know. maybe I won't ever be able to communicate unless one of us learns to put coherent sentances together. I'm trying I am, but for the life of me I can't put my thoughts/ideas into words it's pathetic and aggravating. Don't be afraid to gimmie a call sometime or to just tell me whatever, I talk about "stupid things" all the time. and i'm not all that much emotional I'm not going to snap on you for saying something that would offend me. I don't think of you unintelligent either, I like it when you talk to me. Even if it's just about whatever that I don't understand, that I can pretend to understand but you look at me and know I know so little.
K I know i'm fault ridden, you might feel as if some things are wrong or going wrong. But if you think of the now, just talk to me, if you can, I was just trying to bore you with the guitar after awhile, I didn't even really care to play besides testing you. By time you wore me out, you were like :| from being tired,(is that smiley going to work?). Pretty juvenile eh? but, just gimmie a call or drop a message, I can think of better things than laying in bed all day, although it's still cool. Something simple like hangin' out at the bridge is nice too, but whatever. If I'm too boring forgive me, sometimes I just feel sluggish. You aren't difficult, it's ME! That is obvious. If you insist that I'm worth more than being a friend, know that I'm not worth it, I make a horrible boyfriend. But whatever you ask of me, whatever you need, if you can pinpoint it. If I can do it, just ask it of me. If you can write it down, then write it, I'd prefer hearing it from you. Sometimes I'm left with a feeling like my shoelaces are untied and something needs to be said, maybe that's why I go on. But really, you can joke and say, "cheesecake" that's easy, but sometimes it seems there is something else that you really want from me.
Brady Cline, Brady Cline, Brady Cline, Brady CLine, Brady Cline!
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