One Big Drama

Big, big fight. Brodie and Cam hate Gabe's new boyfriend, Kevin. They are going to kick him out, and if he doesn't leave, they are calling the cops. I am actually very scared. Gabe is Freaking out, Brodie and Cam are pissed, and I'm stuck in the middle being torn to pieces and scared as hell. I have no idea what to do or say - No idea.

I hate this, I hate feeling like this.

One big Drama after another.

67% Skank

I'm a horrible person, I think.

100% Trash

Thats how I feel right now.

Like trash. 

Let me explain:

I have a boyfriend. Now, normally this is not a bad thing, and it shouldn't make a person feel like trash, but it does. He treats me like a chore, like he doesn't really want to be with me, but he needs a place to stay. Fine. You know, I'm okay with that. Now, unfortunately, this would be much easier to deal with if we "broke up"; the problem there being that I do not WANT to break up with him. I like having someone around that I can cuddle with all night, every night. It makes me feel special.... It would make me feel more special if it meant something to him. Then maybe I wouldn't be in this position. This position being - Stuck wanting 3 different guys, who also want me. And in doing this - I am going to ruin everything. Everything I have with each one of these guys is going to disappear as soon as I do what I am planning on doing.

SoI guess I should explain what it is I had planned to do. I was going to... (am going to?) cheat on my boyfriend with a very sweet and charming man that I have no possible future with. Now, you may ask - Why would I do such a foolish thing, when what I have here is much more stable and It makes me feel almost good. Simple fact is this other man is VERY charming, and I can't help but think that maybe he would make a good owner, a good master. I am a pet, I enjoy it... my boyfriend doesn't quite realize or understand this mentality, and I can't blame him for that.

This could be easily solved by simply telling my boyfriend that I need a master and it has nothing to do with sex.... that it has nothing to do with one over the other and I still want him around, and I still like him. I am glad to have him, and I'd like him to stick around for a while... I am not sure he would be comfortable with another man dominating me and treating me like a pet. That is understandable. I don't think I would want him fucking some other chick then crawling into my bed after. To be honest now though - I think I could almost be okay with it. if, and only if, he stayed with her that night, and came back the next day.. or a couple days later. As long as he didn't go from her to me through the course of one day. 

This, however; brings me to the third guy. I had a fuck buddy relationship with him nearly three years ago. I moved to BC and he started dating someone... this was hard to deal with, and I didn't enjoy it when he told me, but I have gotten past that and I want him to remain a friend. He kind of fucked things up in that respect however.... He took me out for coffee, and then kissed me. I would have been fine, everything would be fine, but he told me that he still misses me, and GOD I miss him too... He was my gold medal, my heroin - I will forever remain addicted to the feelings he instilled in me. I want to wait for him, I want to hold onto the hope that we will find one another again and fall in love and be happy. It's a dream that I am finding harder and harder to believe in. 

Guy number three and guy number two are VERY good friends. This is why I am saying everything I have and everything I hope for will be ruined if I meet up with guy two like I had planned. I can not go from one to the other and think it will not change relationships all around. Hell, him breaking up with the girl he is with now could ruin friendships. and it's hard to think that I could be the reason for that. I do not want to ruin everything. 

But I will.... I have no self respect, and I think that is why I do this sort of shit. I have a lot of thinking to do. I want my boyfriend to stay around, but just as a fuck buddy friend that I can cuddle with at night and feel comfortable around. I want number two to hold me and make me feel special, and make me his pet. I want number three to dump his girlfriend and fall in love with me and finally start my future with a stable relationship.

You can see where the problems lie I'm sure. I have a lot of heavy thinking to do, I need to make my decision and stick with it. I need to figure out how to say what I want to say. I need to figure out who I want, and stay with him. I need to go back to the days of being mostly single so that I may feel free enough to figure this out without the over powering guilt.

I need to get my LIFE in order, and then deal with a relationship. I'm not ready for this situation I have forced myself into. 

Fun Questions

Just some fun Questions I found ^^ Thought I'd fill it out.

• Which is your most favorite book ever?

Oh god.... I have no idea..... I think I have to say Hand of the Devil or Hades Daughter - My my vampire romance series is really really good too.

• Which is the one television character that you simply adore?

Hmm... Television?? I can think of a movie character; Tank Girl - I love her soo much, she's pretty much amazing.

• What is your taste in music?

Uhm... Eclectic I would say. I like everything -- and I mean that. I can find at least on song in every genre that I really enjoy. For a long time I was on a hardcore J-rock/metal fix... but really... I can't chose. ^^;

• Which is your favorite genre of movies ? (Comedy/ Romance/Suspense/Action/Horror)

Suspense and horror. I get very scared very easy - but I think that's part of the fun... I like being scared tho... so maybe I'm just crazy lol. 

• What do you do when you are feeling very sad or depressed?

Uhm... Read - write in one of many journals, draw, talk to friends - Uhmm?? Take more pills?

• What makes your angry? Do you get angry very soon? How do you overcome your anger?

oh god - angry? I have no idea. I don't get angry very often - I suppose Over-excessive drinking but I get over it really easy.

• Which is the best vacation you’ve ever had in your life?

Went to BC for a year long vacation and I loved every second of it. Yes, even the six months of rain ^^

• If you could have a luncheon with any three people (real of fictitious/ from any time period, dead or alive) , which three people would you choose and why?

Tom Waits: he's a great singer and has been through a TON of stuff in his life and I'm sure he has a lot of great stories to tell. 

Terry Goodkind: One of my brothers favorite authors. Mostly just because I'd sneak Dy in there to meet him too :D

Gackt: I have no idea - He's just really sexy - I'd prolly sit there and drool the entire time -_-''

• Which is your most cherished childhood memory? How were you as a kid ?

Hmm - this is a hard one. I can't help but say all the christmas celebrations at Grandma Clines house. There were always fun and... I just -- best times ever. We didn't all get together very often so it was nice when it did happen.

• If given a complete freedom to start afresh, what profession would you choose and why?

I would own a coffee shop/ bookstore in Singapore where I could sell my art and just be free - and be my own boss. I would love it. It's still a dream of mine. 

• What is your idea of fun? If given a choice to skip work for a day, how would you spend the entire day?

Sitting around watching movies/listening to music hanging out outside on nice days near the river and just going on an adventure - any sort of adventure. 

• Which is your favorite time of the day, are you a morning person or a night person?

Night person ;)

• What is the craziest thing you have ever done?

Heh -- Uhm I ran away to vancouver and partied like mad... I dunno - I can't tell what would be "crazy" I do a lot of messed up stuff. I had my entire school think ing I was a 300 year old vampire from House Kephru .... yea I dunno I scared a lot of people...

• Name one person whom you love the most and one person whom you hate the most.

Love and hat hmm? I can't say....

• In case you and I were going out and we had a fight. How would you try to patch things up?

*shrug* who are you?? I guess it depends on what you like... 

• Which is the most funniest prank played on you or played by you?

I have no idea - ask one of my fiends.

• If given a choice, which animal would you want to be? Why?

TIGER! I would be a tiger - You don't need to know why >.>

• Who was your first crush? Did you ever tell him/her about your feelings?

Hahaha omg - Dallas Bryson from my old school. I never told him (i was like 10) but he knew anyway lol everyone did.

• Which is your most favorite place in this earth?

Dunno I haven't been everywhere yet.

• If you were stranded on a lonely beach, what are the five things that you would want to survive?

Food

A boat

Water

More food

Oars for the boat...

If She's Breathing

Is it too much to ask, for someone to come upstairs and see if I'm alright??

Another round of cutting

Crying

Screaming

300 mg of Novo Lamotrigine -- 3x my dosage

I want nothing more than to swallow a bottle of Tylenol and hope for fuck that it helps.

Each time and I go up in numbers... Today I took 5

Will tomorrow be 6?

Topic: What Breaks a Person

What Breaks A Person?? I'm really not sure about other people. Maybe a lost love, or the death of a favorite pet... death of a family member? Neglect / abuse / a lost of trust.

Any number of these things could break a person. Anything and everything could break a person. Even the closing of your favorite deli or restaurant. Your coffee shop running out of cream, or finding out that you no longer have Acai Berry tea or popcorn to console you.

What breaks me? 

I guess I kind of summed it up there. C is ignoring me, and has been all day. I tripled my dosage of anti-depressants and it did nothing to help the feelings coursing through me. I started cutting again. I kind of want to right now but the only knife I have near me is a virgin blade (it's never drawn blood) and because I use it for wiccan rituals, I hope to keep it that way.

Scott is here, so that's probably why, but it doesn't matter, because I've been meaning to ignore her over the next little while anyway. It's not like there's any real tension between us, but I want us to just be friends. I want a real relationship where the person I'm dating is about to go fuck her best friend. Is that so much to ask? Heh, whatever, she ignores me around Ca anyway. 

I'm done being depressed about this shit. It's just not worth it to pine over something that will never happen. This is what breaks me; how easy it is too break me, to hurt me, to make me cry and make me feel like I'm worthless. I do, ya know... 

Everyone... everyone can make me feel this way without even trying. One thing, one sentence, one word can set me off and it's not safe. These feeling aren't safe. I need a stress leave from work before I kill myself. I'm not far off right now. It's scary... It's so scary how depressed I am right now.

Life hurts, getting up in the morning hurts, looking at my friends and pretending I'm fine hurts... It all hurt. Everything hurts. I just want to curl up in a little ball and bleed out and just wait. Just wait out the pain and try to forget. 

In the end, I am ultimately my own downfall. I break me. My thoughts and feelings are slowly destroying me. how do I stop this? Is there a way to stop any of it??

Topic: S. eX// LAIN

"Humans are alone, they're connected to no one, no one at all"

                     - Serial Experiments Lain // Layer 04: Religion

Todays Topic? I guess you could say religion... or human behavior. I don't see much in the way of a difference really. Religion is what I believe has corrupted us as human beings. I believe that is what makes us who we are, and I do not believe it is a good thing. 

Religion, is used for selfish purposes I think... I do not believe it is right to put the blame of your so called sins or your temptations on a deity so as to dismiss yourself from any sort of blame. It seems to be something a lot of people do --- "God did not help me overcome 'this', It is Satan's fault for tempting me, It was Gods will..." You know what? NO - no it wasn't.

It is not Gods will to cast out family members, or shun others because they do not fit into your version of what the bible means. Satan does not tempt you, you are just to weak to admit to yourself that it is a want of your mind and your body - you tempt yourself, and you are the only one who can 'save' yourself from these temptations. 

I do not want to insult anyone's beliefs in what I'm writing here. I do not want you to think that I hate you for something that I believe is wrong and often times selfish. I do realize that not everyone lets their religion corrupt their thought, feelings, beliefs, lives...

Unfortunately, there are so many who do. So many who twist the bibles sayings and their Gods words into whatever they think it should mean at whatever moment to serve themselves. I do not think it is right to let a religion control your thoughts. It is important to let yourself think for yourselves.... Does that make sense? Do you understand what I am trying to say?

I need to post this blog unfinished for the simple fact that I will probably insult way to many people. 

I hate religion.

I do not think it is good for us.

Learn to think for yourself.

Learn to believe in yourself.

Learn that your faults are your own, and that what you don't like about yourself, is something only you alone can change. 

It is YOUR will power that will get you through your life.

Your thoughts, feelings and beliefs should be your own, not something that is told to you through a book.

Remember that you are no better than those you look down on.

Learn to realize that one day - GOD will not be there for you and you will have to protect and save yourself.

...

              --- I am not a Satanist, but I believe they are the ones who have the right idea. And if I had to choose a religion; that one would be it.